Daily Prompt: BFFs

I have been friends with my BFF for about 20 years, possibly longer.
She’s a few years younger than I am.
We never went to the same schools, just lived across the road from each other and usually got a bus home together from the train station to our stop.

She has been there for me through thick and thin, even if she had problems of her own to deal with.

For quite a while now I have called her “sexybum”. I’m not sure when I started giving her that nick name or how it came about, but it has stuck.
It may have been when she was with her ex-boyfriend. He would be all lovey-dovey around her one day and then turn on her the next saying how he had to go elsewhere to see beautiful girls/women.
They may have had a beautiful daughter together but he had a lot of growing up to do (and most likely still does).

I could never put a price on my BFF, she’s absolutely priceless!

One lovely thing is that our eldest daughters are good friends too. I hope their friendship is like ours. We can go months without seeing each other but when we do get to catch up, it’s as though we only saw each other yesterday.

We are also so very comfortable with each other and talk about so much. Sometimes we end up in tears of laughter as we try to work out how two adults can come up with the most childish and hilarious conversations known to man.

But that’s what I love about my BFF. We cry together, laugh together, try to embarrass each other (but usually end up embarrassing ourselves instead).

I’m not sure how long it will take for her to get around to reading my blog and this post, but I just want to let her know how much I love her for who she is.

Cloud watching

Who doesn’t enjoy watching clouds float by?

I know I do.

Finding shapes, objects, etc in clouds is something most kids enjoy doing, but who says you have to stop watching clouds when you grow up?
I find it very relaxing watching clouds. I guess it could even be classed as a way to meditate. Just looking skyward, eyes following the clouds around the sky.

Big white fluffy clouds, dark grey, almost black menacing storm clouds, clouds that look like cotton balls, streaky clouds that sweep over the sky.

The setting sun transforms clouds into hues of purple, orange, pink, red, yellow and apricot.

Such a simple thing which we all take for granted, a lot of the time we may not even realise they’re there as we are busy with work, with life, busy doing things indoors which means we may not even know what the weather is like outside.

If we all took time to take notice of the little things I’m sure it would make us all appreciate life more.

Back home.

I have spent most of today at home visiting my Nan.
I don’t come here to visit Mum as she dishes out negativity like it’s going out of fashion.
The fact that she is almost always here (she still lives here) is something that I can’t change.

I just wish that I could spend a nice relaxing day here with Nan and my kids.

Nan is one of the coolest Nan’s around.

I’m not just saying that either- a lot of my friends tell me what a great Nan I have, how she’s a character, loves to joke around and how she’s so full of energy. Her positive energy rubs off on everyone… well, most people.

It unfortunately hasn’t rubbed off on Mum.

Mum came home from the shops this morning and the first thing she said to me was “Oh, you shouldn’t be coming here until at least lunchtime.”
No “hello”, no, “oh- you’re visiting early today”; just straight into the negativity and putting me down in front of the kids.

I hate it how mum is always like that.

From when I was little, she would always remind me of how I was an “Accident”, how she didn’t want me.
She will never speak of my Dad, she hates it when I ask questions about him.
As I grew up, I learnt to ask my Nan and Pop about my Dad and they were cool with it, they told me what they knew, it wasn’t much, but it was a start. It helped me to learn a little bit more about myself because at the end of the day I AM half my Mum and half my Dad.

I should not be blamed for my existence, I had nothing to do with it.

I did not ask to be conceived, nor did I choose to be born.
It happened because my Mum and Dad had some type of connection at one times in their lives that they went on to create me- accident or planned… it happened, I’m here and that’s all there is to it.

I think being told I was unwanted throughout all my childhood has really hurt me. I may not show it, but inside I am broken… worse then broken- completely shattered.

Growing up, I had few friends, but those I had I was quite close to. Watching their close bond with their Mums was hard for me. I treated some of my friends Mum’s as my own Mum at times, knowing my “adopted Mum” would care for me, show me love and be proud of my achievements.

I am sure my Mum does care for me in her own strange sort of way as I have been told of how she often boasts about her daughter, especially when I did well at school or had a child, etc. I just wish Mum wasn’t so cold towards me. It is hard to love someone who doesn’t show love for me.

I would give anything to get along with my Mum, to be able to go on a holiday with her and not argue or anything. Even to go out for a day of shopping with her- but even when I take her to the train station or something, she always does something that ends up with us disagreeing, not always arguing, but often with me dropping her off at her destination and me regretting I ever helped her.

Is it wrong of me to be craving love from my Mum who only seems to care about herself??

What If?

Road to Nowhere

What if I could just go… leave everything behind and start off fresh?
It’s not something I want to do but I can’t help but think the world would be better off without me.
Can’t help but think everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around to be such a burden on their lives.

What if the only thing left of me were my shadows and foot prints.

Would anyone miss me?

Would anyone realise that my soul was long gone?

Daily Prompt: Words & Pictures

If I had the time/money/inclination to write a book it would be of my favourite photos and the poems that I have written throughout my life so far.

The blurb might go a bit like this:

Words & Pictures

Words & Pictures is just that- a series of photographs, stories and poems taken and written by me. Each photo, story and poem plays an important part in my life, it takes me back to the moment I shot it or wrote it and I hope that I can bring you into my little world too.
You will smile, cry, laugh and be left sitting there with your mouth gaping, not believing what you are reading.
Words & Pictures is a book that will make you rethink your life.

Thoughtless Thinking.

I often find myself thinking.
Thinking about nothing in particular.

Actually- half the time I don’t even remember what I was thinking of thinking about. I just don’t know.

Maybe it’s a female thing? It is known that women try to multi-task as much as possible. Maybe my brain is just working overtime and for some reason I’m not allowing my thoughts to sink in and be remembered.

I guess constantly thinking unimportant things helps keep my mind busy and helps me to stop focusing on the areas of my body that are aching.
To take my mind off the sciatica, off the bulged discs, to take my mind off it all.
My back is constantly aching, it’s a dull ache; but I think in a way, a dull ache is worse than when I completely put my back out and was in agony. I knew the extreme pain would ease with time. This dull ache doesn’t. It is always there.

ALWAYS.

It makes me feel like a little old lady who can barely get around at times. But I know that’s a fallacy as I know many “elderly” people in their 70’s and 80’s who are still very energetic and capable for their age. Some much more energetic than people half or even a quarter of their age!

I want to be able to run around with my kids. Carry them around on my shoulders like many other parents do but I can’t due to the constant pain and the fear that I could really hurt my back at any time for no real reason.

 

 

I’ve done it again.

Once again, it is already tomorrow.

I am still awake and it is almost 1am.
Every day I tell myself that I will go to bed at a respectable hour (say by about 11pm), that I will eat better foods and not eat junk food before going to bed.
Almost every day I lie to myself.
I don’t know why I do it, I should be stronger as it is only myself that I’m fighting. If I can’t win an argument against myself, what hope do I have?

Unless you have ever walked a day in my shoes I guess it could be hard to understand why I continue to treat myself this way.

Why I seem to be forever putting myself down.

Some days I think I know what I’m doing, other days I feel that I’m just standing in the crowd watching everything happen before my eyes and that I have no say in what happens to me.

Greed… or is it?

I often have moments… or days if I am to be completely honest, where I just want to get away from everything and everyone.
Times I just want to hop in the car and drive.
Drive somewhere- I don’t know where, but away from the hustle bustle of the city, away from the concrete and bright lights and somewhere open, green, airy, natural… somewhere beautiful.
At times I feel I need to get away from myself to just try and set myself straight again, to get a level head and de-stress, to be at one with nature and ground myself again.

I am no good to anybody- especially my husband or children if I am in physical pain, stressed, anxious or depressed.
I am usually one or two of these things at any one time.
I guess I have tried to learn to live like this but I hate it, I really do.

I want to be “normal”, not living in pain, not worrying about if something wrong or bad is going to happen, not constantly feeling I have to apologise for something bad that has happened (when a lot of the time it is something I don’t even have any control over).

It frustrates me that for some reason I have grown up believing I am the cause of everyone’s problems, deep down I know I am not always to blame, but by the time I open my mouth to say something, all I can manage is “I’m Sorry”.
I just can’t help it.

I hate being so negative, I feel it is bad for my kids too.
I want them to grow up being strong, proud individuals, not scared of doing anything in case they’ll get in trouble or because someone isn’t open enough to their opinions or views.

Having a quick think about my life… I guess it comes down to me being an “Accident” and having my Mum remind me of this throughout my childhood and even now as an adult and a parent myself.
That however is another story.

Don’t you just hate it???

Don’t you just hate it when the rest of the house is asleep but you’re still awake.

I WANT to go to sleep, but my mind is wired.
My mind is completely awake and buzzing but my body is tired and wants to slow down and go to sleep for the night in hope of somehow recharging for tomorrow… well, later on today when I have to get up again.

The cicadas are outside singing their crazy little song… it doesn’t worry me though as I have tinnitus, a buzzing noise in my head that is almost always with me, day in day out… it is always there.
Sometimes it gets so bad that I want to pull my hair out, sometimes it gets so bad that I punch myself in the head- not hard enough to really hurt myself, just enough that it makes me feel as though I have accomplished something.

What that thing is… I don’t know.

I doubt I’ll ever know.

I guess some people would call this insomnia but I don’t as once I can calm my mind enough to get ready for sleep, I can fall asleep pretty fast once my head hits the pillow.
It’s just the part where I try and get ready for sleep that I have trouble with.

I always seem to have something on my mind- no matter how trivial or silly it seems, it is usually the one thing that hinders my ability to be able to get to sleep.
I often think about things that I cannot control.
I know it’s not a healthy thing to do, but I guess I have been doing it for so long that it is a bad habit that I have to work on correcting.

I am constantly making mental notes of things I want to do, things I wish I had the courage to say to people, things I wish I had.
It makes me feel bad as when I think about all the things I desire to do, say or obtain- I can’t help but think I must be a greedy, selfish person who doesn’t deserve anything good in life.

I just hope tomorrow is more productive than what today (yesterday) was.