Don’t you just hate it???

Don’t you just hate it when the rest of the house is asleep but you’re still awake.

I WANT to go to sleep, but my mind is wired.
My mind is completely awake and buzzing but my body is tired and wants to slow down and go to sleep for the night in hope of somehow recharging for tomorrow… well, later on today when I have to get up again.

The cicadas are outside singing their crazy little song… it doesn’t worry me though as I have tinnitus, a buzzing noise in my head that is almost always with me, day in day out… it is always there.
Sometimes it gets so bad that I want to pull my hair out, sometimes it gets so bad that I punch myself in the head- not hard enough to really hurt myself, just enough that it makes me feel as though I have accomplished something.

What that thing is… I don’t know.

I doubt I’ll ever know.

I guess some people would call this insomnia but I don’t as once I can calm my mind enough to get ready for sleep, I can fall asleep pretty fast once my head hits the pillow.
It’s just the part where I try and get ready for sleep that I have trouble with.

I always seem to have something on my mind- no matter how trivial or silly it seems, it is usually the one thing that hinders my ability to be able to get to sleep.
I often think about things that I cannot control.
I know it’s not a healthy thing to do, but I guess I have been doing it for so long that it is a bad habit that I have to work on correcting.

I am constantly making mental notes of things I want to do, things I wish I had the courage to say to people, things I wish I had.
It makes me feel bad as when I think about all the things I desire to do, say or obtain- I can’t help but think I must be a greedy, selfish person who doesn’t deserve anything good in life.

I just hope tomorrow is more productive than what today (yesterday) was.

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One thought on “Don’t you just hate it???

  1. I can fully relate to this, and most of your blog really. Calming the mind can be a really tricky thing … I struggle with it. 90% of the time I am stressed and thinking about negative things. But then the other 10% I feel over excited thinking about good things. I can never switch off and I dread bedtime because of this.

    My old psyche used to give me sleeping tablets which worked really well. The new one doesn’t give me them however – things meditation is the solution to every bloody problem. Anyway …here if you ever need to talk.

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