Back home.

I have spent most of today at home visiting my Nan.
I don’t come here to visit Mum as she dishes out negativity like it’s going out of fashion.
The fact that she is almost always here (she still lives here) is something that I can’t change.

I just wish that I could spend a nice relaxing day here with Nan and my kids.

Nan is one of the coolest Nan’s around.

I’m not just saying that either- a lot of my friends tell me what a great Nan I have, how she’s a character, loves to joke around and how she’s so full of energy. Her positive energy rubs off on everyone… well, most people.

It unfortunately hasn’t rubbed off on Mum.

Mum came home from the shops this morning and the first thing she said to me was “Oh, you shouldn’t be coming here until at least lunchtime.”
No “hello”, no, “oh- you’re visiting early today”; just straight into the negativity and putting me down in front of the kids.

I hate it how mum is always like that.

From when I was little, she would always remind me of how I was an “Accident”, how she didn’t want me.
She will never speak of my Dad, she hates it when I ask questions about him.
As I grew up, I learnt to ask my Nan and Pop about my Dad and they were cool with it, they told me what they knew, it wasn’t much, but it was a start. It helped me to learn a little bit more about myself because at the end of the day I AM half my Mum and half my Dad.

I should not be blamed for my existence, I had nothing to do with it.

I did not ask to be conceived, nor did I choose to be born.
It happened because my Mum and Dad had some type of connection at one times in their lives that they went on to create me- accident or planned… it happened, I’m here and that’s all there is to it.

I think being told I was unwanted throughout all my childhood has really hurt me. I may not show it, but inside I am broken… worse then broken- completely shattered.

Growing up, I had few friends, but those I had I was quite close to. Watching their close bond with their Mums was hard for me. I treated some of my friends Mum’s as my own Mum at times, knowing my “adopted Mum” would care for me, show me love and be proud of my achievements.

I am sure my Mum does care for me in her own strange sort of way as I have been told of how she often boasts about her daughter, especially when I did well at school or had a child, etc. I just wish Mum wasn’t so cold towards me. It is hard to love someone who doesn’t show love for me.

I would give anything to get along with my Mum, to be able to go on a holiday with her and not argue or anything. Even to go out for a day of shopping with her- but even when I take her to the train station or something, she always does something that ends up with us disagreeing, not always arguing, but often with me dropping her off at her destination and me regretting I ever helped her.

Is it wrong of me to be craving love from my Mum who only seems to care about herself??

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