DAILY PROMPT: But… IS it a job?

I’m a stay at home Mum. I don’t have a 9-5 job like a lot of people, I don’t go out in the mornings and come home in the evenings.

My job is supposedly getting up in the mornings, getting breakfasts for the kids, getting their bags packed and the older kids off to school then keeping the little ones amused all day until the older ones come home. Then it’s getting tea organised, bathing kids and settling them in for the night.
Add a lot of games, laughter, smiles, book reading, messy play, cooking, etc…
That’s not how I work though.

If that’s what a Mum does, I’m an absolute failure, an utter disgrace to the human race.

I find it easy to wake up in the mornings, but it’s getting out of bed that I find hard. Some mornings, I am actually scared of getting out of bed.
Scared of what my children have to accuse me of, scared of stepping on someone’s toes from making the wrong lunches, using the wrong bread, putting the wrong pieces of fruit into the lunch boxes, scared about getting all the breakfasts ready and then having people complain it wasn’t what they wanted or were promised from someone else the night before.
Because of all that morning crap, I feel it is easier if I don’t exist in the mornings until the kids have gone to school.

In an ideal world I would be respected, loved, appreciated.
People would realise that I put time and love into what I do, no matter how big or small it is.
I would be able to have fun with my kids without worrying about what others think of me.
I would be able to finger paint, play with play-dough, make mud pies and splash in muddy puddles with the kids.
In an ideal world the kids would enjoy being around me, they would enjoy doing things with me.
In an ideal world, I wouldn’t have to worry about what my kids are saying to extended family about me.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to cease existing. To disappear into thin air. Let my hubby and his family raise our children without me as I believe they (the kids & in-laws) think I am not worthy of being their mum, of sharing the same surname that they have.

This may not be what is actually the case, but it is what the voice in my head tells me every second of every minute of every hour of every day, week, month and year…

It cuts deep inside and my self esteem continues to plummet into depths I didn’t know were imaginable. Deeper than I have ever experienced before.

I shouldn’t be like this. I am a MUM, I should be the Matriarch of my little family, working side by side with my hubby, raising our kids the best way we know how.
We will never be “perfect”- I don’t believe anyone ever is perfect, but I do know that we are all capable of doing our best.

Unfortunately for me,  these days doing my best is actually getting out of bed, giving the little ones a hug sometime throughout the day, watching some TV with them and attempting to help my eldest children with their homework until they decide to tell me off for not giving them the answers to the questions asked in their homework books. (I’m one of those “bad” Mums who rewords the questions in a way which will make my kids think differently about the question, approach it in a different way and hopefully work out the answer for themselves rather than just saying “here- this is the answer…”)

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/24/daily-prompt-sixteen-tons/

DAILY PROMPT: Mr Sandman

Sleep.

To some it is beautiful, something to look forward to at the end of the day; to others it is something which sends shivers down one’s spine, something that bring feelings of fear and dread when they hear anyone mention it.

I personally don’t really think about sleep. I guess it is just one of life’s things I take for granted.

Some days I think I fall fast asleep before my head hits the pillow, other nights, I lay in bed for what feels like hours on end, tossing and turning, wishing I could switch a switch that turned my brain off, something that stopped me thinking about everything and nothing- stopping my wired brain from keeping me wide awake until the wee hours of the morning.

I don’t fall asleep better if I do one thing more than the other, I can do the same things day in day out and my sleep patterns will be different each night. It’s just who I am and at times it really frustrates me.

I can’t really sleep during the day- unless I’m completely and utterly exhausted or if I’m sick. They’re the only times I have fallen asleep during the day.

Falling asleep at night- well, it doesn’t really matter if I’m in a completely darkened room or if there are flood lights shining in the window. If I’m tired enough, I’ll be able to fall asleep.

Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/23/daily-prompt-mr-sandman/

Daily Prompt: Mainly Country but also quite eclectic.

Being (mostly) raised by my grandparents, country music played a large part of my life, I also had hymns play a part of my life as my Nan was a Sunday School teacher when she was younger so used to sing those songs to me as well.
Mum liked a mix of music so I grew up to like some of what she did too.

As I got older, I listed to a lot of the music that my friends did. We lived in a very multicultural area so I listened to everything from jazz, blues, reggae, rap and hip hop to classical, pop and rock.

I was always keen to listen to a new artist or band and if I liked what I heard, I’d buy their single and them possibly their albums later on.

My hubby and I like a lot of the same types of music, but we also like different things too. We are raising our children to be open to listening to ALL types of music and then allowing them to decide on what they like more.

 

 

Daily Prompt: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/20/daily-prompt-papa-loves-mambo/

I’m so frustrated right now!!!

As you may or may not know, my hubby, our kids and I live with hubby’s Mum.

She was on a week’s holiday last week so it was just “us”. The kids did fight and stuff as they usually do, but overall, things weren’t too bad. The older kids had all their school work up to date, they played outside a fair bit, somehow rubbish and dirty dishes were kept to a minimum (to what it usually is), my youngest daughter only had a couple of toilet accidents, I took the kids to the park, hubby and I were able to get some DIY work done around the house, I got to choose what we ate and I made the majority of the meals too. But that’s not what this post is about… it’s mainly about my youngest daughter and her toilet training progress (or lack of)…

By what I am led to believe, my mother in law has always hated nappies- she had all her babies out of nappies by the time they were 12 months old (so I’m told).

She pretty much took over with our eldest child and did things her way with them.
As we had more kids and I felt more capable as a parent, I slowly tried to play a larger part in my children’s lives (I have never liked “stepping on toes” and don’t like getting on the wrong side of my in-laws). By the time we had our 2 youngest ones, I was pretty sure how I wanted to raise them- especially having the final say as to when and how we would toilet train our children compared to the older ones which the mother in law had played a very strong part in.

I am happy for them to move from “normal” tab type nappies to nappy-pants or pull-ups and then moving into “undies” when I feel they are ready.

My 4 year old has just about mastered using the toilet. She has the occasional accident (like all kids do), but I try to not make a fuss of it. I’d rather make a fuss and give her lots of praise when she does use the toilet correctly and stays dry all day/night.

My hubby and mother in law tend to do the opposite and when they rouse on her for having accidents, it does get to me. I don’t like it one little bit. It actually upsets me quite a bit.
The worst is when they tell her she’s a filthy little girl, or that she’s a baby because she wets or dirties her panties (undies). Sometimes they use worse words but I won’t repeat those as I feel disgusted when I hear it said to her.

Today, my poor little girl has had 4 accidents that I’m aware of. Rather than telling someone she needs to go to the toilet, she hides somewhere and does what she has to in a secret place for fear of being scolded or told off.

I just wish some people would keep their mouths shut so I can try and do my best to help my daughter continue to progress with her toilet training rather than start to go backwards as she seems to be doing again (since my mother-in-law got back from holidays). If they want to help my daughter they can do so by keeping what they say positive and rewarding her when she does the right thing rather than to tell her off for having an accident.

I’m not saying I want to raise my kids on my own, I’m simply saying that I wish the other adults living in this house would use a different approach to what they currently do.
I have tried talking to them about the situation, but it’s like talking to a brick wall at times.

They obviously know better than I do as they’ve been raising kids longer than what I have…

Feeling bad for doing good.

I find that I always fall into a trap which I set myself.

I often put others before myself and therefore I fall behind in tasks/errands which I had planned to do.

These are usually not very important- things like keeping up to date with my emails, going for a walk to try and “clear my head”, writing to friends of mine (yes, I’m old school and enjoy putting pen to paper and writing letters to my pen pals); but to me, these little things are what helps keep me centred, it’s what helps to keep me from snapping at my hubby and the kids when I’m having a bad day.

Today I spent a large part of the day on the computer catching up on emails. I actually got on top of them all and have now completely caught up.
I should be happy and relieved but I feel guilty for spending the time to do this for myself. I feel like I should have just let all the emails continue to add up, for the pile to keep growing so I could let my hubby do whatever he had to do.
I feel that I should have been there looking after the little ones (my youngest kids) rather than leaving them in the hands of my hubby (although he is more than capable).

I know he’s a stay at home dad and is here helping me look after the kids but I just feel like such a burden on everyone here. I feel like I really don’t fit in. I am always feeling that this household would be better off without me.
Whenever I have to go out alone the kids seem to be fine while I’m gone; when I get back home, the fighting seems to start the instant I walk in the door. I also get told the kids were fine while I was out.

It’s like my hubby and I no longer share the same views on parenting, we no longer share the same goals (as parents, as a married couple, as people in general); I feel that he has risen up so much higher than what I have (as a parent) and I feel that I have often been put in the same basket, so to speak, as what the kids are.

I feel that I am only told things on a “need to know” basis, I feel that I am no longer looked at as an equal to him.

It sucks and I’m sick of somehow always ending up in trouble…

I believe that I can do good. I believe I can be a good Mum and wife.

I just need someone to believe in me and show me the love and respect that I believe I deserve.

Daily Prompt: That’s Amore

Today’s Daily Prompt ( http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/18/daily-prompt-thats-amore/ ) asks us to talk about our longest relationship.
For me, it is the relationship I am currently in- my marriage.

My husband and I first met 13 years ago. I was in a relationship at the time and back then, I didn’t even contemplate a relationship with my now hubby as I thought I was in a happy relationship with my (now ex) boyfriend at the time.
Within 6 months, life took it’s course and my ex and I went our own ways. It was the first “break up” I had gone through and my (now) hubby was there for me. We were only friends at this stage, and now that I was single again, I allowed myself to see him in a way I hadn’t done before.

Seeing that we had been slowly getting to know each other as friends in the 6 months leading up to this point in time, the next few months seem to fly by in a whirl-wind romance. “We” felt right together, and one thing led to another and the next thing I know… I’m expecting our first baby.
I moved in with him and his family a couple of months later.

I gave birth a little over a year after we first started going out and shortly after that I hit the next life-changing point which was when my grandfather passed away. This really hit me hard. I was a new mum and had lost the man who was like a father figure to me within about 3 weeks of each other. I had to rely on my partner and his family to help me as I was so distraught about everything life had just thrown my way.
When my hubby wasn’t working his day job or playing sport for his local club, he was doing everything he could to help me with the baby.

Once I felt well enough to get around again, we started doing something I really enjoyed. We would take the baby for walks in the pram together in the evenings. It was lovely, we were in love, we had our time together with each other and he helped me to try and stay in some sort of shape.

As the years went on, jobs changed for him, we had more children and got engaged and married in that time too.
We still love each other but I feel that what we have today is very different to what we had when we first started going out.

Today we seem to be more distant. Some days, a little spark will come back which is surprisingly nice, but most of the time I feel that we are existing together but living separate lives.

He is still playing his sport for the same club.

He is a stay at home parent now though, he has been for the past 5 years; I’ve stayed at home with the kids fir the past 11+ years.
My depression and back problems have meant that I can’t look after my children how I wish I could so he has had to do a lot for me.
I know he gets frustrated with me and I feel very bad about that.
I wish I wasn’t constantly in pain and feeling down but it’s not something I can “snap out of” nor can I “just get over it”.

I deal with things the best way I can.

Some days are better than others; some days I feel great and get a fair bit of stuff done, other days I just want to curl up and die as I feel like such a waste of space.

I yearn for the early days… for the days when we enjoyed being in each others company, the times when we went out and enjoyed ourselves. They don’t happen as near as often as I’d like them to. I know we don’t have a lot of money these days, but we can still do things either together as a couple or as a family that don’t much at all.

Our 10th Wedding Anniversary is very quickly nearing and I do not know what we will be doing, if anything at all.
We have spoken about having a short trip away, or a day out somewhere but as yet haven’t agreed on anything.

I truly hope that our marriage brings us closer over the next decade as I would hate to think where we will end up if we continue to distance ourselves from each other like it feels we have been doing over the past few years or so…

Daily Prompt: I believe…

Today’s Daily Prompt ( http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/16/daily-prompt-i-believe/ ) has me thinking hard as to what I want to type.

As someone who has to live with anxiety & depression in a place where I feel I don’t belong… my thoughts on this prompt will most likely be wildly different to what someone else who knows me may think I should be writing.

 

Anyway, seeing as though this is MY blog… here are MY thoughts.

 

3 things I believe in my heart to be TRUE:

  • If I was allowed to have a pet dog, I believe my anxiety and depressive behaviours, feelings and moods would all but completely disappear making me a much nicer person to be around.
  • I believe that my hubby and I CAN afford the property I have fallen in love with, I believe that we can make ends meet and that we will start up a successful business and will be accepted into the community. Things may be a little tight from time to time, but we CAN do it.
  • I believe that I have been put on this Earth for a reason. I have been put here to teach others, learn from others, to give to others and to do the best I can.

 

3 things that I believe in my heart to be FALSE:

  • I don’t believe in bullying of ANY kind. I have had to endure enough of it throughout my childhood, teenage years and into adulthood. It is not something that ANYONE should have to put up with.
  •  I don’t believe that one person’s thoughts, ideas or suggestions should be dismissed without first talking about it, weighing up the pro’s and con’s and then agreeing on something that will work for everyone.
  • I don’t believe that a town, state, nation or world should be run by one single person. We are all unique and we all have great ideas that could possibly change the world in one way or another. If the Human Race was open to listening to others, we may not have the problems that we have today. We may in fact be living in harmony rather than being at war with our families, friends, foes…

 

I guess I sort of cheated here as I realise I have combined some of my thoughts into one point rather than keep them separate, but I believe that is ok as I feel everything I have written needed to be put out there.

Daily Post: Pour some sugar on me… but make it chocolate thanks!

The Daily Prompt ( http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/15/daily-prompt-pour-some-sugar-on-me/ ) me think about my sweet tooth (and how I’m trying to cut back).

One of my favourite things would be Cadbury’s chocolate. Top Deck is one of my favourites as it was also my Pop’s favourite and I remember him sharing his block with me when I was little.

Chocolate has always been my favourite sweet thing, block chocolate only though, I’ve never been a fan of chocolate flavoured things like cake, biscuits, ice-cream, etc.
Some people think I’m weird not liking choc-flavoured things but I guess it’s makes me who I am.

Daily Prompt: Something so strong

My best friend and I met by chance I guess.
We never really knew each other, although we lived across the road from each other.
We never went to the same school, never went to the same church, we didn’t always shop at the same stores either.
We just simply existed in the same neighbourhood until I started high school and had to start getting the bus to school.
Our friendship started when we used to get the same bus home from the train station to the bus stop near our homes each afternoon. The bus would often be quite packed so we’d often find ourselves sharing a seat together.
I think we were both quite shy but once we started talking to each other, things changed from us being acquaintances to “bus buddies” to friends and then down the track, very good friends at that.

It may not be a very extraordinary story compared to some people, but it is our story.
It is how our lifelong friendship started off.

I think what keeps our friendship going strong after all these years is that we have always been there for each other through thick and thin, we have stood up for each other, offered each other a shoulder to cry on when it was needed, we have been through the birth of our children together, we trust each other.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/13/prompt-something-so-strong/

Daily Prompt: What to do…

In response of today’s Daily prompt: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/12/daily-prompt-if-you-leave/

 

Even before you get to the point of making a decision, there has to be a reason why you are where you are at that very moment of your life.

Is it because of an opportunity that was too good to pass up, was it due to a tragedy, due to success, due to boredom, bankruptcy or a big win?

We all have our own reasons who we wish for a change and then to act upon it.

I’m currently at a crossroads in my life, well- not just my life. It’s something that will completely change my whole family’s life.

You may have read in a previous entry that I have found a property online and fallen in love with what I have seen of it (and I believe the price is achievable for our budget too). Well, I guess you could say that after a lot of thought, I am ready to dig deeper, to find out more information about the property. I want to know for sure if there is any chance of ever owning this place or if in fact I am just dreaming and driving flat out towards a brick wall without any brakes which, as we know- will just end in heartbreak. 

The pro’s of getting this place would be that our little family would finally be just that… our little family.
We would be able to watch the millions of stars in the sky most nights of the year if we wanted to.
We wouldn’t be living with any other family members or have to put up with any of their crap. If they wanted to contact us (or us contact them), we’d have to ring them up or arrange for them to come and stay with us for a while.
The children would be starting new schools and making new friends (nothing wrong with their current school, but it seems to be run by a small group of Mums and I don’t exactly fit into their little group), I believe their lifestyle would be much healthier, we would be a part of the community more so than what we are of the community here where we currently live.
The kids could join the local sporting clubs if they wish.
Buying this property could even give us the option of running our own small business once we have settled in to the town.
Other pro’s of moving would be that we would be responsible for all our actions, we would have the final say in life’s decisions as they arise, we could decorate our home however we wished as it would be OUR PROPERTY, I believe life would be more relaxed, there would be less stress, my depression and anxiety would just about disappear and I believe that all this would ultimately mean that I could just about be the Mum to my kids and the wife that my husband deserves.

As for the con’s of moving away, it would mean that my hubby and I would be a full day’s drive away from our families, we would not have hubby’s parents there to look after our kids for us if we need to go somewhere without them, it would mean that we were no longer an hour’s drive from a number of coastal beaches (some well know all around the world), it would mean that we didn’t have the choice of over 10 shopping centres within a half hour’s drive from our place, it would mean that our 2nd eldest child would have to change schools (1 starts high school and 1 child starts school next year).
One other thing would be that we would no longer be living in the big smoke with all the bright lights, drab grey concrete jungle, with people rushing around trying to get to their destination (most likely their tiny office space in a big sky-scraper).

I truly believe that if we were to take the plunge and look into the property more, we would find the answers to our questions; if we were to go and visit it in person, I believe that we may see all the possibilities it holds for not only my hubby and I, but for our children and their future too.

I do believe that this will be one of the most expensive things we do in our lives (if we go further with it), it may feel like one of the riskiest things we ever do too but I have a feeling deep in my gut that says things will be fine.

It is something that I want to continue with, something I want to continue to chase.

I just need those who I love and trust to believe in me, to trust my instincts, to believe as much as I do that this IS possible, that we can and will have a successful family life in our own house with our own Family Rules.