Feeling bad for doing good.

I find that I always fall into a trap which I set myself.

I often put others before myself and therefore I fall behind in tasks/errands which I had planned to do.

These are usually not very important- things like keeping up to date with my emails, going for a walk to try and “clear my head”, writing to friends of mine (yes, I’m old school and enjoy putting pen to paper and writing letters to my pen pals); but to me, these little things are what helps keep me centred, it’s what helps to keep me from snapping at my hubby and the kids when I’m having a bad day.

Today I spent a large part of the day on the computer catching up on emails. I actually got on top of them all and have now completely caught up.
I should be happy and relieved but I feel guilty for spending the time to do this for myself. I feel like I should have just let all the emails continue to add up, for the pile to keep growing so I could let my hubby do whatever he had to do.
I feel that I should have been there looking after the little ones (my youngest kids) rather than leaving them in the hands of my hubby (although he is more than capable).

I know he’s a stay at home dad and is here helping me look after the kids but I just feel like such a burden on everyone here. I feel like I really don’t fit in. I am always feeling that this household would be better off without me.
Whenever I have to go out alone the kids seem to be fine while I’m gone; when I get back home, the fighting seems to start the instant I walk in the door. I also get told the kids were fine while I was out.

It’s like my hubby and I no longer share the same views on parenting, we no longer share the same goals (as parents, as a married couple, as people in general); I feel that he has risen up so much higher than what I have (as a parent) and I feel that I have often been put in the same basket, so to speak, as what the kids are.

I feel that I am only told things on a “need to know” basis, I feel that I am no longer looked at as an equal to him.

It sucks and I’m sick of somehow always ending up in trouble…

I believe that I can do good. I believe I can be a good Mum and wife.

I just need someone to believe in me and show me the love and respect that I believe I deserve.


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