Lets see what this becomes…

I’m writing this blog post because I want to write, I feel the need to write. My problem is that I do not know what to write about.

I am currently listening to a cover band. I personally know one of the musicians in this band. I have not yet had the chance to see them play live, but it is something I do want to eventually do.
Ever since I was little I always wanted to grow up and be a famous singer. The only problem was that I was too shy.
I would have loved to sing my favourite songs to rooms of people who enjoyed watching and listening to me enjoying myself- living my life to the fullest but my lack of self esteem kept me from doing that.
Growing up, I wasn’t in the popular groups; I wasn’t skinny nor was I good looking.
My human friends were few, my animal friends were many. I felt more at home working with my pets. They were loyal to me, we worked well together.

I have not had pets for over a decade now and I have a strong gut feeling that the absence of pets in my life has been part of the reason I now have the label of having a mental illness.
I truly do believe that pets are fantastic for everyone.
Pets are the best form of therapy. They show unconditional love, they’re loyal, they teach you about responsibility, they keep you fit (who doesn’t love playing with an animal or taking a dog for a walk or horse riding?), and most importantly- they give you a reason to live.

I sometimes find myself looking up animal shelters and browsing through the selection of dogs and other animals they have available for adoption.
I will admit that I do fall for a number of dogs each time I look. I am so sure I would be capable of giving them a great forever home. I would be able to help my new friend realise that not all humans are nasty (you never know what their last home was like).
One day, I’m not sure when; but one day I will walk into a shelter and have a dog choose me as it’s master. It’s all well and good choosing a dog from a line up of cute photos on a computer screen, but it’s entirely different when you meet them in person. The animal and prospective owner/family all need to get along.
You are ultimately bringing in a new family member to your household.

Another thing I often find myself doing is looking at real estate. Dreaming about what could one day possibly be our family home.
I don’t want big and fancy. A modest home big enough for a family of 6, having enough room outside for the kids to play, having room to grow our own fruit and vegetables, possibly even some chickens for fresh eggs. There will be a dog or two in this ideal situation- that goes without saying. If we have a big enough block of land I’d also love a couple of sheep or goats… maybe even a horse if I’m not pushing it too much.

I used to go horse riding on a semi regular basis during my teenage years. I found horse riding to be very therapeutic and grounding. I always felt so relaxed when I was in the saddle. I can’t really explain it. I guess it is something you have to experience for yourself. My all time favourite thing to do on a horse I trusted was to go for a canter. The combination of putting all my trust in the horse, the wind in my hair, being “at one” with the horse. Working as a team to experience a sense of freedom that is hard to duplicate elsewhere.
It is something I have been craving to do again. It has been too long since I last rode a horse. I am sure it won’t take long before I remember what to do and how to ride again- if it ever happens that is.

Maybe one day, some day, some of these things may just happen.

My psychologist often tells me to “Trust the process”. I guess that has sort of turned into my mantra- “Trust the process”.
I do trust that everything is happening for the right reasons and that in time, I will look back at everything that has and hasn’t happened to me and be able to see that it all turned out that way because it is just how things were meant to be.
Sometimes I feel I have drawn the short straw. I feel that I seem to be getting a raw deal and that I am being ripped off with my life. I feel that there is more to my life than what I am currently living but I find it almost impossible to see the bigger picture. And that’s what scares me.

I have 4 beautiful children and a husband who loves me and has had to put up with a lot of my shit so far. Sure, my kids often say some things that are hurtful but I am pretty sure I probably said similar things to my Mum during my childhood. I think it’s just a way of growing up, finding out who you are and how far you can push your boundaries before someone or something snaps and brings you back to Earth. Very quickly!

I often worry that I am being too selfish. I don’t want to have to share my kids and hubby with the in-laws all the time. I want them all to myself at times. I want our little family to be just that- a little family.
Just the Mum, Dad and the kids all living together. OK, maybe that’s a bit of a lie- I’d LOVE to be able to have pets in the ideal family picture too.
But I guess what I’m trying to say is that living under the same roof as extended family (whether it be by blood or marriage) isn’t an ideal situation for me. I don’t feel I am able to “be me”. I feel that I have to wear a mask. Constantly wear a mask and be the person they want me to be, not the person who I am inside.

I am a nature lover and animal lover.
I am creative.
I love music- all types of music.
I need to be in a situation where I have my own space.
I need to be able to reach out to my true self again. It has been far too long since I feel I have been able to be me.
I don’t want to feel so constricted.
I need to be able to stretch my wings and fly.

To teach my children how to fly.
To teach my children that it IS ok to get messy.
To teach my children that it IS ok to be creative and have a wild and vivid imagination.
To teach my children that it is fine to explore and discover.
I want my children to be the best they can be.

I just want to be happy.

Surely wanting happiness isn’t a sin… is it?
I think being constantly upset or let down is much worse as it can be extremely debilitating.
Being depressed and down DOES affect me personally. It does affect my physical health in a negative way.
I am not proud to admit that but I believe it is something that needs to be put out there. I am sure I am not the only person feeling this way.

I don’t expect someone to feel the exact same way I do, but I am sure there are people out there who can relate to something I have said in this post.

Well, for someone who didn’t know what to write about. I think I’ve done a pretty good job.

Not only did I end up writing a fairly long post, but I got a huge weight off my shoulders too.

 

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Daily Prompt: Trick Questions

The three questions I would never want to answer would be:

1. “If you had to live the rest of your life as something else, what would it be and why?”

2. “If you could eradicate 1 living thing from Earth, what would it be?”

3. “If you could travel back in time and change things from your life so far, would you?”

I think those would be 3 fairly hard questions to honestly.
Although- I might just possibly revisit this post sometime in the future and answer these questions… Maybe I will… maybe I won’t.
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/trick-questions/

A list of completely random sentences.

Reading this week’s Weekly Writing Challenge (http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/list-lesson/) made me want to write a list of completely random sentences. I thought it might be a bit of fun and hope you enjoy reading it.

1. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

2. My Mum tries to be cool by saying that she likes all the same things that I do.

3. If the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy had babies would they take your teeth and leave chocolate for you?

4. A purple pig and a green donkey flew a kite in the middle of the night and ended up sunburnt.

5. What was the person thinking when they discovered cow’s milk was fine for human consumption… and why did they do it in the first place!?

6. Last Friday in three week’s time I saw a spotted striped blue worm shake hands with a legless lizard.

7. Wednesday is hump day, but has anyone asked the camel if he’s happy about it?

8. If Purple People Eaters are real… where do they find purple people to eat?

9. A song can make or ruin a person’s day if they let it get to them.

10. Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.

11. Writing a list of random sentences is harder than I initially thought it would be.

12. Where do random thoughts come from?

13. Lets all be unique together until we realise we are all the same.

14. I will never be this young again. Ever. Oh damn… I just got older.

15. If I don’t like something, I’ll stay away from it.

16. I love eating toasted cheese and tuna sandwiches.

17. If you like tuna and tomato sauce- try combining the two. It’s really not as bad as it sounds.

18. Someone I know recently combined Maple Syrup & buttered Popcorn thinking it would taste like caramel popcorn. It didn’t and they don’t recommend anyone else do it either.

19. Sometimes, all you need to do is completely make an ass of yourself and laugh it off to realise that life isn’t so bad after all.

20. When I was little I had a car door slammed shut on my hand. I still remember it quite vividly.

21. The clock within this blog and the clock on my laptop are 1 hour different from each other.

22. I want to buy a onesie… but know it won’t suit me.

23. I was very proud of my nickname throughout high school but today- I couldn’t be any different to what my nickname was.

24. I currently have 4 windows open up… and I don’t know why.

25. I often see the time 11:11 or 12:34 on clocks.

26. This is the last random sentence I will be writing and I am going to stop mid-sent

 

Daily Prompt: Mutants & Hybrids.

This was one Daily Prompt which really got my imagination going. I have been thinking of all different combinations and how they would work as the one “being”.

I think my initial Mutant would have to be part human, part horse and part dog.
I’m thinking torso & above human with an equine body/legs and canine loyalty & characteristics.
I’m not entirely sure what it would be called but it would be a creature of beauty, brains and loyalty.

Another Hybrid I like the sound of would be one part human, one part spider and one part gold.
Imagine being able to spin a web of gold thread. Being able to get yourself into tiny crevices.
Like life, being part spider wouldn’t be the easiest. You’d be constantly worried about getting hurt- or worse.
There would be people who could see the beauty within you, but they would be few and far between- just like great friends.

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/mutants-and-hybrids/

DAILY PROMPT: Finders, Keepers?

While walking along you find something valuable… Should you keep it?
Friendship is one thing which first popped into my mind.
Think about it…
Our friends haven’t always been our friends. Once upon a time they were strangers.

Two strangers crossed paths, for some reason they started talking and fast forward to today and those two strangers are most likely you and your best friend.

What would have happened if you had’ve just kept walking?

Would your life still be the same? Do you think you would have met your friend again in the future from the first time you met?

I do believe that true friendship is just as valuable, if not more valuable (I’d even go as far as saying that true friendship is PRICELESS) than things like jewellery, or a wad of cash.
Yes, jewellery and cash can bring a smile to your face… but will it make you laugh, be there for you in good times and bad, be the one to give you the right advice when you most need it? The simple answer is NO. No it won’t.

Although things like jewellery and cash can give a false sense of security, wealth and happiness in the short term, it can never take the place of a true friend.

 

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/finders-keepers/

DP: Break The Silence

Sometimes you just sit there and bite your lip.
Sometimes you do that because it is what you’ve been raised to do, you’ve been told that’s the correct and polite thing to do.
No matter how right or wrong others may see it… it isn’t right to you.
You want to speak up but you’re unsure as to how do something about it.

There are ways to get what you want out into the open.
If like me, you’re quite shy and unsure about yourself when it comes to speaking up and saying what your heart wants you to, there are other ways around it.

You could say what you are feeling in a blog post (it works for me), you could write a letter to your local/national news paper (and hope they publish it), you could write about it, write an open letter to someone, write a letter to the person who you are aiming your thoughts at, you could turn your thoughts into a story, a poem, even into a work of art.

 

The Daily Prompt tells us that we should write this blog post about “what we should have said”. I initially thought it would be super easy to write, but I seem to be skirting around the topic… unable to get right into it like I imagined I would have been able to.

I guess I just don’t know exactly what to say- or how to say it. Without repeating myself.
Maybe that’s the good thing about this blog of mine.

I have been writing it in such a way that it allows my readers to get to know me, to get to know my secrets, my fears, my deepest inner thoughts that I am too scared to air in my real life for fear that I will be judged on my thoughts.
But you don’t all know me as you don’t know my exact identity. I think being anonymous is a great way to be able to freely express myself. Some people may read these words and be able to relate to them. That’s great, I hope it helps you realise that you’re not in this alone. There are others out there who are fighting a similar battle.

I have had friends tell me I’m a great listener and a great giver of advice. I guess in a way, they’re probably right. I don’t want to go around blowing my own trumpet, but I do try and help others where possible.
My biggest vice would have to be standing up for myself, saying what is on my mind and practicing what I preach.
I seem to be able to help others with no problem at all, but when it comes to helping myself- I find it incredibly hard to do. I KNOW what I need to do, I usually even know HOW I should go about doing it, but I just find it crippling, almost impossible to physically get up and do it.

Why do I find it so hard to help myself? Why do I feel so guilty for speaking up for myself?
Does this go back to my childhood? From the years of bullying I have endured? From the years of having my own Mother often tell me that I was an accident and how I shouldn’t exist?
There were (and still are) people in my life who have done everything in their power to help lift my spirits, to help me realise just what I can achieve and to help me prove to those naysayers that I AM right from time to time.
I want to thank those people (best friends, teachers I admire, role models, those kind strangers who come into my life and disappear just as fast) for believing in me, for helping me be the best person I could be at that moment in my life.
If it wasn’t for some of you wonderful people, I know my life wouldn’t be how it is today.

I hate to think of what may have been if I had’ve gone through with some of thoughts I had during some of the lowest, darkest times in my life.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/break-the-silence/

Daily Prompt: A Name for Yourself.

Shout it out!
If my blog name (Cockatoo Screeching) was an adjective it would go a little something like this:

CockatooScreeching (adj):
1. A means of saying whatever is on one’s mind without thinking twice about what you’re going to say.
2. Being openly vocal and saying exactly what is troubling you.
3. “Letting it all out.” and not feeling any regret afterwards.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/name-for-yourself/

Daily Prompt: Game of Groans

Game of Groans: Reality TV.

Where do I start??

How close to reality IS Reality TV?

These shows come onto our TV’s almost nightly- each series tries to be “unique”, but ultimately it’s the same thing. A group of “everyday” people living “everyday” lives doing “everyday” things… but having cameras following them around and recording what they do, how they do it, when they do it. I don’t think they fully cover WHY they do it though… I guess Reality TV is just something we take for granted now. It is everywhere.

They must be the best thing since sliced bread, right? I mean, if they weren’t so great- they wouldn’t still be on TV.

We have shows about:
home cooking, commercial cooking,
home renovations, complete restorations,
singing, dancing, magic, acting,
making a fool of yourself or others-
the list seems to be endless… and then it seems that the list is getting longer and longer by the day!

We must lead such boring lives these days.
We seem to need to watch other people living their lives (staged or candid) to be able to survive our self.

We don’t need to go out anymore, there is no need to exercise, be creative, have fun or lift a finger (unless it is to change the channel to yet another Reality TV show) as we can just watch someone else doing it all.

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/game-of-groans/

Feeling hollow and worthless.

It has been quite a while since I wrote a blog entry about what is on my mind. I think it’s been 6 weeks or so now.

I just don’t know what to think.
I feel that I have let my husband and children down by not being able to be the person they feel I should be for them.

My anxiety and depression has seemed to take over me.
I decided to make a positive change in my life by focusing on eating healthy, controlling my portion sizes (I’ve been known to indulge on foods I really enjoy a little too much), and trying to better my fitness by exercising at least a few times a week. I have been enjoying going for brisk walks and doing gardening.

I even signed up to participate in a government health initiative to help me keep aiming for my goals of losing weight and getting fitter. I am not following the plans exactly, but I don’t try to dwell on my “stuff ups” too much, I just try to see tomorrow as a fresh start and keep going.

But I feel lost.

I feel as though a part of me is dying. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I find that I am continuously imagining scenarios of where we are a happy family- where we have no worries in life, where the kids aren’t constantly fighting or in tears. I just want us to all be happy- my hubby, our 4 kids and me.

I believe we deserve to be happy.

Unfortunately though- I can’t help but feel that I am the common denominator as to why everyone is always upset, feeling hurt, frustrated and just becoming angry in general.

I feel I am re-living my childhood again. Not all of it though- just the bad bits. The bits I would rather forget. The bits I never wanted MY children to experience.

It scares me.

I don’t want to fall into a hole so deep that I can’t find a way out. I have been there before, as a teenager, when I was constantly being bullied by my peers at school.
It was at that time in my life that I didn’t want to live any longer- the only thing I felt I had to live for was my grandparents and my pets. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t think I would be here today.

I want to enjoy life again. I want to go on picnics with my family. I want to teach my children lots of things that I learnt as a child.

I just feel that whenever I suggest something, it isn’t taken seriously.

I don’t know what to say anymore without feeling stupid about it.

I want to be taken seriously.

If I am passionate about something, I’ll fight for it. If I truly believe that it is unachievable, I won’t chase it. I’ll just let it go… for now.

Everything happens for a reason- if it isn’t meant to be then it won’t happen… but dreams CAN and DO come true.

Daily Prompt: Last but not least.

In response to today’s Daily Prompt: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/last-but-not-least/

I would like to finally thank all the bullies who have made my life hell throughout my life so far.
If it wasn’t for you all being so mean, the hurtful words, the shoves, kicks, threats and other crap I endured… then I would have never have realised just how strong I really am.

If it wasn’t for all the negativity, I would have never known just how strong I really am, I would have never known what my pain threshold was and I am sure I would not be able to put up with the chronic pain I endure today if I hadn’t have learnt to grow a thick skin when I was younger.
Thanks to you all, I know how to turn off to pain.

I would never wish it upon my biggest enemies, never upon you- my bullies for you to ever be hurt how I was over the years; but I am glad it happened to me as I now know I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

Once I am able to find my self esteem again I will be able to soar over you all and excel in everything I do.