Lets see what this becomes…

I’m writing this blog post because I want to write, I feel the need to write. My problem is that I do not know what to write about.

I am currently listening to a cover band. I personally know one of the musicians in this band. I have not yet had the chance to see them play live, but it is something I do want to eventually do.
Ever since I was little I always wanted to grow up and be a famous singer. The only problem was that I was too shy.
I would have loved to sing my favourite songs to rooms of people who enjoyed watching and listening to me enjoying myself- living my life to the fullest but my lack of self esteem kept me from doing that.
Growing up, I wasn’t in the popular groups; I wasn’t skinny nor was I good looking.
My human friends were few, my animal friends were many. I felt more at home working with my pets. They were loyal to me, we worked well together.

I have not had pets for over a decade now and I have a strong gut feeling that the absence of pets in my life has been part of the reason I now have the label of having a mental illness.
I truly do believe that pets are fantastic for everyone.
Pets are the best form of therapy. They show unconditional love, they’re loyal, they teach you about responsibility, they keep you fit (who doesn’t love playing with an animal or taking a dog for a walk or horse riding?), and most importantly- they give you a reason to live.

I sometimes find myself looking up animal shelters and browsing through the selection of dogs and other animals they have available for adoption.
I will admit that I do fall for a number of dogs each time I look. I am so sure I would be capable of giving them a great forever home. I would be able to help my new friend realise that not all humans are nasty (you never know what their last home was like).
One day, I’m not sure when; but one day I will walk into a shelter and have a dog choose me as it’s master. It’s all well and good choosing a dog from a line up of cute photos on a computer screen, but it’s entirely different when you meet them in person. The animal and prospective owner/family all need to get along.
You are ultimately bringing in a new family member to your household.

Another thing I often find myself doing is looking at real estate. Dreaming about what could one day possibly be our family home.
I don’t want big and fancy. A modest home big enough for a family of 6, having enough room outside for the kids to play, having room to grow our own fruit and vegetables, possibly even some chickens for fresh eggs. There will be a dog or two in this ideal situation- that goes without saying. If we have a big enough block of land I’d also love a couple of sheep or goats… maybe even a horse if I’m not pushing it too much.

I used to go horse riding on a semi regular basis during my teenage years. I found horse riding to be very therapeutic and grounding. I always felt so relaxed when I was in the saddle. I can’t really explain it. I guess it is something you have to experience for yourself. My all time favourite thing to do on a horse I trusted was to go for a canter. The combination of putting all my trust in the horse, the wind in my hair, being “at one” with the horse. Working as a team to experience a sense of freedom that is hard to duplicate elsewhere.
It is something I have been craving to do again. It has been too long since I last rode a horse. I am sure it won’t take long before I remember what to do and how to ride again- if it ever happens that is.

Maybe one day, some day, some of these things may just happen.

My psychologist often tells me to “Trust the process”. I guess that has sort of turned into my mantra- “Trust the process”.
I do trust that everything is happening for the right reasons and that in time, I will look back at everything that has and hasn’t happened to me and be able to see that it all turned out that way because it is just how things were meant to be.
Sometimes I feel I have drawn the short straw. I feel that I seem to be getting a raw deal and that I am being ripped off with my life. I feel that there is more to my life than what I am currently living but I find it almost impossible to see the bigger picture. And that’s what scares me.

I have 4 beautiful children and a husband who loves me and has had to put up with a lot of my shit so far. Sure, my kids often say some things that are hurtful but I am pretty sure I probably said similar things to my Mum during my childhood. I think it’s just a way of growing up, finding out who you are and how far you can push your boundaries before someone or something snaps and brings you back to Earth. Very quickly!

I often worry that I am being too selfish. I don’t want to have to share my kids and hubby with the in-laws all the time. I want them all to myself at times. I want our little family to be just that- a little family.
Just the Mum, Dad and the kids all living together. OK, maybe that’s a bit of a lie- I’d LOVE to be able to have pets in the ideal family picture too.
But I guess what I’m trying to say is that living under the same roof as extended family (whether it be by blood or marriage) isn’t an ideal situation for me. I don’t feel I am able to “be me”. I feel that I have to wear a mask. Constantly wear a mask and be the person they want me to be, not the person who I am inside.

I am a nature lover and animal lover.
I am creative.
I love music- all types of music.
I need to be in a situation where I have my own space.
I need to be able to reach out to my true self again. It has been far too long since I feel I have been able to be me.
I don’t want to feel so constricted.
I need to be able to stretch my wings and fly.

To teach my children how to fly.
To teach my children that it IS ok to get messy.
To teach my children that it IS ok to be creative and have a wild and vivid imagination.
To teach my children that it is fine to explore and discover.
I want my children to be the best they can be.

I just want to be happy.

Surely wanting happiness isn’t a sin… is it?
I think being constantly upset or let down is much worse as it can be extremely debilitating.
Being depressed and down DOES affect me personally. It does affect my physical health in a negative way.
I am not proud to admit that but I believe it is something that needs to be put out there. I am sure I am not the only person feeling this way.

I don’t expect someone to feel the exact same way I do, but I am sure there are people out there who can relate to something I have said in this post.

Well, for someone who didn’t know what to write about. I think I’ve done a pretty good job.

Not only did I end up writing a fairly long post, but I got a huge weight off my shoulders too.



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