Inside my mind

Sitting up in bed listening to the sound of my husband’s breathing as he sleeps next to me
The TV is on although it is more for background noise than anything else.
My back to the window, I can feeling the cold of night creeping into the room
The rest of the house is silent- not moving at all.

Typing away on the keyboard, I cannot help but wonder why I am not asleep as well
I am simply not tired.
Well, I AM tired but my brain seems to be so wired that I just don’t feel drowsy at all.
Not. At. All.

Quite a while ago the clock ticked past midnight, daring me to stay up even later
Here I am, challenging time itself; knowing I won’t win but giving it my best anyway.
There are other people in the house yet I feel so alone.
Not because I am the only one awake, but because I feel I am the only person to understand me.

Some days I do not know if I understand myself which makes me question my own existence
It leaves me wondering who I am, why I am here, what my calling is.
The black dog often walks beside me, reminding me of all the negative thoughts I am constantly trying to push away.
Reminding me of who I used to be for a very long time.

I want to start fresh-
I want to be able to enjoy life, I want to be able to trust those who deserve my trust.
The new me is trying to get out, but the old me is just too strong and powerful
Some days I feel completely hopeless and powerless.

Powerless and hopeless due to the demons inside my head
They rule the thoughts that confirm all my worst dreams and worries.
I very much doubt anything bad will ever happen but I don’t know for sure
It is these doubts that take front seat when I have time to think.

 

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