Writing 101, Day 19: Free writing.

Free writing.
But IS it free? What part is free? Is it free because it doesn’t cost any money? Is it free because I am not restricted to writing about anything in particular?
In a way I guess this isn’t really free writing after all because we have been asked to write about 400 words. Possibly even more if we’re on a roll.

You know what? I just thought of something… What if I had’ve been a smart arse about this assignment and done something like this:
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…
Yeah, it would have been funny writing numbers, but it would have got very boring… plus where would I stop? Or would I stop at all?

The question is though- what DO I write about?
It’s no real use talking about the current weather here as it’s the middle of the night. Well, I’m not sure if it’s the actual middle of the night, but it is late. It’s currently 1:40am. I should have been asleep at least a couple of hours ago but here I am, still sitting up in bed typing away on the computer writing blog entries.

I never used to be a night owl. I liked staying up late sometimes, but I used to much prefer getting up early in the mornings, you know- around 6:30am or so.
That was before I had kids though. I’d get up at that hour and feed my pets, listen to music, write to my pen pals… even go to school or work, depending on what year you want to talk about.

Now though, things have changed.
Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore. Am I an early bird? A night owl? Am I even worthy of having the title of being a Mother?
I know I am a Mum, I’m a wife too- but just because I am a Wife and a Mum, it doesn’t mean I am a good one.
I do the best I can, but more often than not I feel that I am constantly being judged. I feel that no matter what I do, it is never good enough for anyone.

Some days I find it hard to function. I just feel I’m not up to doing anything. It’s those days when I get told that I don’t pull my weight, that people are disappointed in me because I “hibernate in the bloody room all day”. Some days I simply just don’t have the energy. I hate making excuses for myself, but it’s hard to explain an invisible illness to someone who has never experienced it.
It’s hard to explain to someone that I can feel fine at times, some days I will feel unbeatable and I will want to do a day’s hard labour, I feel up to spending the whole day cleaning, gardening, exercising, looking after the kids and more… but then there are other days when I don’t even want to open my eyes.
I’ve spoken to my Family Doctor and Psychologist about it. My levels of energy are related to some of my health issues (bad back, depression, my circumstances to name a few) but I hate using those things as “excuses”, but I don’t know how to explain how my energy levels can be so drastically different from day to day.

I honestly feel that living in the city (yes, I know I technically live in the suburbs- but I’m talking general city/country here) is what makes me feel like shit, but I doubt I’ll ever be able to live somewhere that is beneficial to my health. I feel that country lifestyles are so much healthier. Less smog/pollution, a lot of homes are on larger blocks which means there’s room to grow your own food, have pets, somewhere for the kids to play, etc.
I have expressed my desire for a tree- or sea-change to my hubby on many occasions, but it basically comes down to money- what we simply don’t have enough of. I’m not sure we ever will have enough. That’s pretty scary to think about but I think it’s a reality I have to come to terms with.
I feel like a pathetic example of a Mum- I have a hubby, 4 kids and no money to put a roof over their heads. Because of that, we’ve got no choice but to live with the in-laws.
It’s not fair on them (in-laws)- they have pretty much retired and should be able to enjoy their life and do as little or as much as they want but they are stuck with a full house.
It’s not really fair on the kids either as I believe they should be able to experience what it is like to truly be a child. Living in an extended family/multi-generational household is a lot different to living in an immediate family (Parents & kids) set-up.

Am I being selfish? That is something I constantly ask myself.
Am I restricting our little family? Myself? The kids? Hubby?
I don’t want anyone to resent me for not letting them have the life they wanted. I don’t want to carry that burden.
But when I find myself constantly trying to please others- I find that I am stopping myself from enjoy life. It is as though I HAVE to deny myself pleasure and enjoyment so that others can hopefully have the life they want.

I just don’t know what to think sometimes. It is also a reason why I don’t talk as much as I don’t want to come across as self-centred and greedy. Whenever I tend to open my mouth and say something, I feel that I always upset someone. That’s not the reason why I open my mouth to speak, but when I do, it makes me feel extremely worried about upsetting others. And if I feel I may have possibly upset someone, I get all stressed out, worried and anxious and nervous and upset myself, usually for no reason (if I believe what others say to me).

I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?



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