It desn’t rain… it pours.

This week I have had all 4 children sick. It sucks. I wish it had’ve been me sick instead of them. I hate it when they’re sick.

On top of that, this morning my hubby and I find out that one of the parents from our sports club is telling the rest of the team they played with last year that their team is dissolving and all players should go and find another Club to play with.
That infuriates me as the person saying this is a parent, he plays NO PART in the admin duties of the club and therefore has no place in telling past members that they are not to stay with the club for this coming season.
The team in question is NOT dissolving, the team will go ahead for this coming season as there are enough players signing up to play… but due to this person’s attitude of “my children won’t be playing so that must mean the whole team is finished”, other players now do not know what is happening and I am sure they are confused and feeling unsure and unwanted.
We now (as Club Officials), have to contact the players of the team who played last year and reassure them that the team is still fine, their position is still available and they will be able to play this year.
Our club is all about keeping children interested in sport and we want children to enjoy playing a sport they enjoy. It is great for team spirit, character building, sportsmanship, social skills, etc. Why a parent feels they need to stop other people’s children learning these skills is beyond me.

Oh, and as much as I love listening to rain…
When it’s a cold grey, overcast day and when you’ve got all 4 kids sick and other crap to deal with…
Today is NOT the day I need rain… I need sunny skies today so I can believe there is something to smile about….

Thoughts turning into physical illness.

I am sure I’m not the only one, but I find that when I am overly stressed, my body reacts in a negative way. I usually get an upset stomach and finding myself rushing off to use the toilet more than usual. I wish my body didn’t react this way but it is something I am trying to live with the best I can.

I know the easy solution would be to “stop worrying and stressing” but things just aren’t that easy to do.
I stress and worry a LOT. Something it is over things that most people would genuinely worry about, but a lot of the time, it is just over “silly little things” that worry me just as much as bigger things.

I wish I didn’t get this way, but I can’t help it. It is just who I am.

I wish I could change, click my fingers and hey presto- I’m normal again.

Heck- I don’t even know what “normal” is anymore.
Is there even such a thing as normal?
Who or what is normal based on?

I just want to be able to do things, think things, feel different emotions without my body going in a meltdown depending on how I feel or what I experience and think.

Surely that’s not too much to ask?
Is it?

But is it running away???

For quite a while now, I have had this dream in my head of packing a bag and going away for a short holiday… maybe a week or two at the longest.
That doesn’t sound out of the ordinary, does it?

Here’s the catch- I want to do it ALONE. Leave hubby and the kids at home and just escape.
No one else.
I feel that I have so much crap stuck in my head, that if I’m not able to find a way to get it all out, I’m going to do something stupid, I’m going to snap, do something that I will regret for a long time.
I don’t want that to happen.

No one has directly told me that is a selfish idea, but I can read between the lines. I’m sure it’s what they’re hinting at without actually saying it.
Going away by myself does seem selfish I guess.
Spending all that money on fuel, accommodation, food, experiences, and whatever else happens during that time.
With nothing much to show for it. Maybe a few souvenirs, some photos… possibly even a tan? But that’s about it.
The memories would be mine, and mine alone.

I’d have no one else to talk to about the time this or that happened as they wouldn’t be there to share it with me. They’d have to believe what I tell them.

But the more I think about it, the more I am drawn to the idea of a solo holiday.
I wouldn’t have to worry about answering to anyone. I wouldn’t have to worry about where the kids were or what they were doing at the time.
I would be able to do as much or as little as I felt like doing. I could eat when I felt like it- not when I was told it was time to eat.
If I felt like going for an early morning walk (or even a jog)- I could. If I wanted to stay up all night, I wouldn’t have to feel ashamed or like I was letting others down by doing so.

I think travelling alone with no real set itinerary would be better than any medicinal interference/assistance.
It would allow me to rid my body of all the stress that has been building up for the past year or so.

We live in a highly technological world. With a smartphone, laptop and mobile internet- I’m never far away from anyone.

My body is screaming out to replenish itself, it needs to recharge, it needs time to heal, it needs time to just exist without having to think too much.

The chest pains are what concerns me the most.
I have had several tests done recently and my body is medically fit, stronger than some others even (which was surprising to me).
I was told the pains I get is most likely caused by stress.
I believe that- I really do. I often find myself stressing over silly little things here at home. Things that I am told I’m being stupid for worrying about.

I very rarely get sick, but when I do, it really hits hard.

I found out the hard way last week.
I woke up in the morning and spend the next couple of hours racing to the loo many many times. I had horrid cramps that went with it. I felt like I wanted to die.
When I wasn’t in the toilet, I was in bed trying to sleep. I don’t actually remember a lot from that day as my hubby said I was “passed out” for much of the day.
Maybe it was my body’s way of saying “Stop, slow down a bit”, or maybe I just had some type of 24 hour bug.
I don’t know. I have been trying to convince myself that I just had a bad tummy bug, but I think it may have been my body trying to tell me to slow down a bit.

I just don’t know what to do.
I want to go away, but I can’t help but think it’s the only child within talking to me- not the wife and mum who has 5 people to look after. I feel that I should stay here- it’s my job, isn’t that why I am a Mum and wife? To look after the kids and hubby?
My aching heart is telling me that I should go away. I feel it is telling me that although I feel like others are looking at me as though I am a selfish cow at the moment, they will realise that I am only doing it so I can “reset my body clock”, and know that when I get home I will be a new woman. I will be refreshed, my soul will be renewed and ready to deal with whatever is thrown in my direction.

I want to do what is right for me and my health (mental, physical…) but I am scared of being constantly labelled as a selfish so and so if I try to do anything for myself.

My hubby has been great lately- he’s kept the kids at home while I have gone to the shops to run errands or do some shopping, but I don’t class that as having “me time” I’ve got a list of things to do and I know I have to do it as quick as I can so I can get back home to everyone.

I stupid like sold the double prams so I can’t even take both my youngest children for a walk in the pram anymore. I’m a fast walker. I don’t expect either of my youngest to have to run alongside me while I go out walking. I’m not completely heartless. Since I have sold the prams- I haven’t done much exercise at all. I feel bad for it. I feel guilty for not looking after my health, but not as guilty as when I go out walking on my own… When I do that, I feel I am neglecting them.

I just don’t know what to think anymore.
I have so much going on in my head and I can’t seem to find anyone who understands what I am feeling.

My self esteem is plummeting into depths I haven’t experienced for a long time, my happiness long disappeared.

I just don’t know who I am anymore.
I am lost.
I am nobody.

DP: Comforting Scents

Smells can be comforting. They can also be a trigger for bad memories.
Today though, I’ll concentrate on the positive smells I’ve encountered in my life.

I have been fortunate enough to have had many great memories whilst taking in the most unlikely “nice” smells.

I believe the smells of sheep, horse and cow manure are positive.
They remind me of the many happy holidays I spent at the family farm. I got to help with the odd jobs around not only our family farm but also the farms of a number of close family friends.
The strong aroma of old sheep manure reminds me of the times I spent in shearing sheds helping out with shearing, working in amongst sheep from first thing in the morning to almost sunset in the evening, my hands and shoes thick of sheep grease- lanolin. Some people pay good money to have their shoes shined in the same way or to have their hands so supple and soft, smothered in a natural moisturiser.
The smell of horses reminds me of the regular horse rides I used to go on during my teenage years. The rides only lasted about an hour, but it was the most relaxing, exhilarating hour that I looked forward to each month.
Cattle smells remind me of going to the yearly show; wandering through the animal yards, watching them be washed, dried and brushed ready for the show ring.

The Smell of blood ‘n’ bone reminds me of the hours I would spend outside helping in the garden. Turning over the soil, fertilising, pruning, planting and everything else that went with it.
I still enjoy gardening today and I hope my kids enjoy it even half as much as what I do.


In response to:

Writing 101, Day Twenty: The Things We Treasure.

When we think about things we treasure we usually think about physical items. Our first teddy bear, jewellery given to us by loved ones, our first car, awards, trophies, photos, artworks… the list is never ending.

What I will be writing about though are my childhood memories.
Memories are priceless. They are something that you carry with you your whole life. Memories can be good or bad, make you feel over the moon or down in the dumps, they can bring both happy or sad tears.

Some of my most treasured memories are of simple things like when my grandparents would take me to the beach. Nan would pack sandwiches in the esky with drinks and biscuits. By the time lunch came around we would find that our sandwiches had literally turned into “SAND”wiches so we ended up walking to the near by kiosk and getting a large serving of hot chips and ice creams. No matter how we rinsed our cups out, they always ended up gritty too, but that just added to the experience.
My Pop and I would go fishing from time to time at a local river. We would catch small bream. To me, it didn’t matter if we caught anything or not- it was just lovely being able to spend a few hours with Pop, talking about nothing in particular, listening to him tell me of stories of his childhood and working years.
We would often come home with a couple of small fish that Nan would cook for tea that night.

A yearly pilgrimage to a Music Festival was another treasured memory. Not only was this a chance to relax for a week, spend it living out of a tent and a ute during that time, it was also a chance to watch and listen to the buskers and musicians. If we were lucky we could also get some autographs and watch the national finals of one of the main rodeos.

I have unfortunately lost some of my memories. I don’t know what is to blame, if anything at all but what I do know is that the memory loss I experience has only happened over the past 11 years. Over that time I have had to have 5 operations/general anaesthetics and it makes me wonder if there is something in the gas/medication that blocks out part of your memory? It wouldn’t surprise me if this is the case as I don’t know what else it could be.

I do know that I want to keep making new experiences with my family and friends in the hope that they will stick in my mind- never to be forgotten.