3:40am

It is 3:40am as I type this.
I am unable to sleep.

I am blaming the painkillers I am currently on for a back injury for my insomnia.

Last night I didn’t get to bed until 5am, just as the sun was starting to think about inching closer to the horizon before showing itself.

I hate being in pain. The drugs take the edge off it, but don’t make me better.

I am afraid I will end up addicted to my painkillers. I shouldn’t though as I am only on a low dose and only take them once or twice a day (I can take them 4 times a day if needed). I want to try and wean myself off them as I hate taking any type of medication.

My back has been troubling me for most of my adult life, but this latest injury happened about 2 weeks ago.
It isn’t much really- there are many people out there who are much worse off than what I am.

I simply have bulged discs and pinched nerves. I have other health issues that most likely do not help but it is something I have learnt to live with over the years.

Before I hurt my back I had a horrid flu/virus that had been doing the rounds of my community, my suburb, my city…

For the past month I guess, I haven’t eaten much compared to what I used to. Some days I might have 2 small meals, some days 1 meal, some days I may just graze on a few pieces of fruit over the course of a day.
In a way, I am happy as I am losing weight. I think I have lost well over 5kgs so far. I have been trying to lose weight and get fitter and healthier this year so in a way I guess this is a blessing in disguise, but I was wanting to do it in a healthy way. To reach my “ideal weight”, I still have to lose another 10-15kgs.

For the past fortnight I have pretty much been bedridden. I know being mobile is the best way to recover, but it just hurts so much if I have to stand or walk for more than half an hour, sometimes I can barely get around for a few minutes before I feel my spine compressing again and pinching back down on the nerves.
Sitting or laying in bed seems to give me the most relief, but even when I do that, I can get numbness, pain, tingling, pins and needles down my legs- usually my left leg. I truly hope o am not causing myself nerve damage, I don’t want to permanently damage my body more than what  has been done.

I’m not sure what can be done with me.
I have had the same back issue happen three years running now. It is seriously beyond a joke. I do not want to go through it again.
Last year it was so bad I ended up in hospital.
Earlier this year I felt my back getting a bit niggly so I had some sessions with a physiotherapist to nip it in the bud before it caused me trouble. I thought I’d got out of it but then it hit me and has had me on the sidelines for the past 2 weeks.

It is so frustrating.

Some days, laying in bed alone- with only the TV for company, my mind wanders off…
It would be so much easier for my family and friends if I wasn’t here. I feel like such a burden on everyone, needing my husband to help look after me like I am one of the children.
It really doesn’t make me feel very worthwhile.

I just want my body to be able to move and function normally.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “3:40am

  1. I understand, I had collapsed disks and partially paralyzed on the right side. Had spinal fusion in ’05. I still have pain. I do exercise to strengthen my core. Stretches alleviate the discomfort.

  2. I hear how much pain you are in. I am really sorry and hope it shifts soon. I also hope you will focus on eating what you need to nourish your body. If your body isn’t nourished it could very well delay your healing.

    You are valuable and worthwhile whether you are helping or being helped. Maybe the whole thing is happening so you can learn to receive and so your husband can give you the gift of taking care of you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s