It is 3:40am as I type this.
I am unable to sleep.
I am blaming the painkillers I am currently on for a back injury for my insomnia.
Last night I didn’t get to bed until 5am, just as the sun was starting to think about inching closer to the horizon before showing itself.
I hate being in pain. The drugs take the edge off it, but don’t make me better.
I am afraid I will end up addicted to my painkillers. I shouldn’t though as I am only on a low dose and only take them once or twice a day (I can take them 4 times a day if needed). I want to try and wean myself off them as I hate taking any type of medication.
My back has been troubling me for most of my adult life, but this latest injury happened about 2 weeks ago.
It isn’t much really- there are many people out there who are much worse off than what I am.
I simply have bulged discs and pinched nerves. I have other health issues that most likely do not help but it is something I have learnt to live with over the years.
Before I hurt my back I had a horrid flu/virus that had been doing the rounds of my community, my suburb, my city…
For the past month I guess, I haven’t eaten much compared to what I used to. Some days I might have 2 small meals, some days 1 meal, some days I may just graze on a few pieces of fruit over the course of a day.
In a way, I am happy as I am losing weight. I think I have lost well over 5kgs so far. I have been trying to lose weight and get fitter and healthier this year so in a way I guess this is a blessing in disguise, but I was wanting to do it in a healthy way. To reach my “ideal weight”, I still have to lose another 10-15kgs.
For the past fortnight I have pretty much been bedridden. I know being mobile is the best way to recover, but it just hurts so much if I have to stand or walk for more than half an hour, sometimes I can barely get around for a few minutes before I feel my spine compressing again and pinching back down on the nerves.
Sitting or laying in bed seems to give me the most relief, but even when I do that, I can get numbness, pain, tingling, pins and needles down my legs- usually my left leg. I truly hope o am not causing myself nerve damage, I don’t want to permanently damage my body more than what has been done.
I’m not sure what can be done with me.
I have had the same back issue happen three years running now. It is seriously beyond a joke. I do not want to go through it again.
Last year it was so bad I ended up in hospital.
Earlier this year I felt my back getting a bit niggly so I had some sessions with a physiotherapist to nip it in the bud before it caused me trouble. I thought I’d got out of it but then it hit me and has had me on the sidelines for the past 2 weeks.
It is so frustrating.
Some days, laying in bed alone- with only the TV for company, my mind wanders off…
It would be so much easier for my family and friends if I wasn’t here. I feel like such a burden on everyone, needing my husband to help look after me like I am one of the children.
It really doesn’t make me feel very worthwhile.
I just want my body to be able to move and function normally.