A blank canvas

I have not yet been to bed (obviously- I wouldn’t be writing this if I was fast asleep) but later this morning, and for most of today I will have the house to myself.

I really do not know if I should be excited about it or not.

It’s great not having to hear the children arguing or complaining, but it is also a time when thoughts flood into my head more than ever.
Thoughts of “what if” situations, times when I question myself for things that happen that are out of my control, thoughts of me questioning my own questions.

My mind goes into overdrive, it’s something I cannot help. It’s just how I am.

Sometimes I envy people who can just watch TV or play cards all day. I can’t do that.

There are TV shows I enjoy watching, but I also have to be doing something else at the same time. Lately it has been writing letters to my pen pals, doing word or number puzzles or even doing tapestry (a type of needlework).

I sit here now writing this entry in my blog, but I am also checking in to my Facebook account. I would also usually have the TV on, for background noise of nothing else, but tonight it is turned off.
The silence is deafening. Having no white noise/background noise means my tinnitus seems to sounds louder than what it actually is. The high-pitched whistle and ringing is constant, it makes me want to pull my hair out and hit my head repeatedly against a brick wall.

It reminds me of my childhood when I did actually used to hit my head against a wall- thinking about it, I am pretty sure I only did it when I could hear “those noises” (as I used to call the Tinnitus before finding out what it was called) and I am sure my parents thought I was either being crazy or just a typical only child trying to gain someone’s attention- they most likely thought it to be the latter.

I doubt there will be much in the way of captivating shows on TV during the day, but I’m sure i’ll find something to listen to- the news updates, home shopping presentations (I’ve almost convinced myself that I NEED another gadget in the kitchen cupboards, a steam mop, home gym system, some new gold plated jewellery, and a 2 horse powered nutrient extractor!), fishing shows, rural current affair programs, music shows, movies, kids shows- it’s all on tomorrow sometime throughout the day.

I have a vague idea of what I’d LIKE to get done, but I’m not going to plan on doing it all- I might just see how things eventuate. If I get stuff done, then that’s great. If I don’t, I’ll learn not to stress over it and just think of the day as one where I got to chill out and relax.

It can be a day of recovery for both the mind and body.

No schedules, no deadlines, no rules.

Just relaxation.

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