I hate feeling like this. It really kicked in late last night.
I’d taken my children out for the day. Although I didn’t get to do exactly what I’d planned to do when we left in the morning, we still got to see a lot of things and the kids got home exhausted and they even thanked me a number of times for a great day out. I knew I must have done something right, as they rarely thank me without being prompted to do so.
But then the guilt hit and I have felt horrible since.
I don’t want to be the “goodie” who goes against the other parent, I want to be a good wife, a good mum, a good influence and someone that is to be respected.
However I do want to show the kids how I used to have fun as a child, I want them to see that they don’t need all the latest technological devices to enjoy life and have things to talk about amongst their friends.
I may have a number of health issues that stop me from doing everything I want to do a lot of the time, but when I feel ok, I want the kids to realise that I can get out there and have as much fun as they do.
I guess when I came home last night I was on a high from the day’s outings. I’d driven over 300kms and we’d stopped at 4 places throughout the day to sight-see, play, eat, experience and love.
It’s like I should feel disgusted with myself as today I hoped to have a family day out but feared it would turn into the opposite, a day stuck at home where the kids quarrel and argue, tears flow, people get hurts, voices are raised and quite simply, the day turns to shit.
Today was almost one of those days- I guess the best bit about it was that some of the chores got done. The lawns got mowed, some gardening got done, the laundry was washed and dried.
I should be happy, but what upsets me is that the kids fought over silly little things, or they did thoughtless things which hurt their siblings.
I guess I felt that if I had’ve had them out somewhere, then maybe, the hurt would not have happened.
I hate seeing my kids hurt and upset. I don’t want them turning into little brats who get their own way all the time, but I don’t feel there’s a need for children to be upset each day.
Just because I had a fair bit of sadness in my life as a child, it doesn’t mean my own children need to experience it too.
Today I felt empty.
Empty because I feel I don’t make my husband happy anymore.
Empty because I feel my children only acknowledge me and respect me if I’m the only adult around them at the time.
Empty because I think I have lost all my self esteem, all my self worth.
During the recent times when I was pretty much housebound due to my back, I slipped back into having suicidal thoughts again. I haven’t been that way for about 18 years or so. It scared me, it honestly did.
I think it may have even been a reason why it took me so long to start driving again.
Yes, I was worried about if I would have 100% control of the car, but I think it was also because I couldn’t completely trust myself. What if I had’ve driven over the speed limit and then not been careful as I came to a dangerous section of road?
I would not have wanted to put anyone else’s lives at risk, but I didn’t care for myself either.
The thing that stopped me was fear. Fear of not succeeding.
If I had’ve hurt myself and lived to tell the tale, how would I explain myself?
I would have been to scared to admit anything to my husband or other close family and friends. I would have been ashamed.
If I had’ve succeeded, then I would have left those I love the most behind. They would most likely be forever trying to work out why.
I guess I have felt empty because I don’t know how or what to feel.
It truly tears me apart inside but I try to not show it.
I try to be strong and act as though everything is fine.
It’s too hard to explain…..