Down down down

Christmas hasn’t always felt like this, but since my grandfather passed away, I have never really enjoyed Christmas much at all- even with a family of my own I find it hard to enjoy.

For some reason I have fallen into a downward spiral in recent times. I do not know what triggered it, but I feel I am picking up speed and finding it hard, very hard, to get out of.

I feel my marriage and my role as a mum is taking a turn for the worse. It scares me.
I don’t want to lose my hubby or my kids… but in saying that I have recently often been feeling that I’d be better off dead… well, maybe not dead as such, but just not to exist anymore…

I don’t want to be a burden on anyone anymore. No one deserves to be dragged down into my hole of self pity and shittiness.
Whenever I try to call out for help, I feel that I am pretty much told to just put my big girl pants on and grow up and start behaving like a responsible, mature adult.

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