Late night thoughts and musings.

Random thoughts in a confused mind cannot always be a good thing… or is that a bad thing?

Having flashbacks of bad things really messes with me, not only me but with my relationships with my loved ones and friends and acquaintences.
Triggers happen without warning and the reactions i have to those triggers can leave me having bad anxiety attacks, or i can start crying or sobbing uncontrolably and sometimes it even causes me to just freeze in terror waiting for it to all be over or to stop.

My youngest child is almost too old to still be in a pram, but he has recently started asking me if he can get a new pram so i can take him for speedy walks (I used to take him for long walks in the pram and when feeling energetic enough- i’d go for short jog legs too), so earlier this week i saw a second hand pram that was very affordable plus it was everything we needed so i bought it.
Today we went for a walk. The smile on his face was worth every cent i paid. I haven’t been well lately so couldn’t do too much jogging due to not having as much energy as i usually have but the couple of short jogs i did manage made im laugh and helped me to see something good cme out of the day.
Don’t get me wrong, i didn’t have a bad day at all, i just find it quite hard to show emotions and express myself outside of my mind. It may sound silly but it’s just who i have unfortunately become.

Every day, almost without fail, INSIDE my mind i will laugh, have lots of good thoughts, dance, sing and celebrate, but i also have periods where i am sick and tired of also having negativity in my life and it is during these times that i think it’d make everything better if i wasn’t around at all.
I don’t know if i mean me not existing, or if it just means me being physically far away from everyone, or even disappearing off the face of the earth. I just don’t know.

I do remember that there used to be a big part of my life when i never felt like this… I can’t help but wonder if it is because back then, when i wasn’t depressed and anxious; if it was because my grandfather was alive ( was his shadow as a child) or because i had pets, a social life, hobbies i could throw myself into without the fear of being judged… I just don’t know.

I know i have been craving having a pet for many years now- over a decade to be precise. I really want to get a shelter dog. I have had pet dogs throughout my childhood, they are so loyal and give endless love, plus they seem to know what you’re feeling and when you need someone by your side. I think i crave the love and loyalty of a pet, deep down i know owning a dog will quite possibly heavily reduce the amount of times i need to visit the Doctors, owning a dog could quite possibly reverse the effects of the bad things that have happened to me in the past, it could help to lessen my anxiety and depression symptoms too. But while i don’t have a pet… i will never know.
One thing i know for sure, is that owing a dog will be a great reason for me to get regular exercise as it will need walking each day which means that i won’t be able to be so anti-social and keep to myself most of the time.

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