As this is my “safe space” to express my feelings and thoughts, here i am saying that life is not fucking fair at times.
For the past week my life has been crazy. I found out my grandma (who raised me) has been keeping health issues to herself for a number of months.
It looks like she may have breast cancer, the same cancer that took her own Mum’s life. It is scary as i can’t help but wonder if this is genetic.
On top of my Grandma’s troubles, my Mum also dropped a bombshell on us saying she has also been experiencing some symptoms of Breast Cancer. My Mum, however, is stubborn. She will not get checked out. No matter what i say, or any of the family, she knows best and is completely against going to talk to her GP about these issues she is now facing.
I want to drag her to the doctor and tell them what she has told us and get them to do tests and what not, but i know that’s NOT how the system works. As stubborn as my Mum may be, she still has basic human rights, she has the right to not get any help if that is her choice.
I have spent quite a bit of the past week with my Grandma, helping her, giving her the painkillers prescribed to her as needed, making sure she is eating- even if it is only a few spoonfuls at a time, doing housework, gardening and whatever else i can do to help her.
But doing all this also makes me feel guilty as i feel i am ignoring my own family. I DO care about them, but i feel a need to put my Grandma as my #1 priority at the moment. I don’t know how much longer i will have her around for… it could be a matter of days, weeks or months… or she may still be here in another 10 or 15 years time. Who knows.
She had biopsies done the other day and she gets the results of those next week. She is assuming it will be breast cancer (at least), but we don’t know for sure.
I’m just all over the place at the moment.
A part of me just wants to pack a bag of clothes and go for a road trip with no itinerary… just with good music turned up loud and the highway in front of me… driving to nowhere in particular. But i know that doing that isn’t going to help my family nor myself. It might be good for me to do that eventually, but now is not the time as my Grandma needs me right now (as well as the rest of my family). Running away isn’t going to make things better for anyone.
I have to be strong when i’m around others. I cry a lot when i am alone. I guess it is how i cope. It may not be the best coping method, but it’s what i do. It’s definitely cheaper than shopping… i don’t know why i spend money when i am upset but i do. Spending does not make me happy, if anything it makes me feel bad as i am trying hard to save money at the moment to put towards a few things i am saving up for.
I guess i also try to cope with all this by making jokes. If you can’t laugh at something that is hurting you, then it will eat you up. That’s not something that i want to happen.
When life throws you in the gutter, you’ve either got to get comfortable down there or get up and brush yourself off and try to continue on from where you left off.
Tomorrow i will spend another day with my Grandma.
And i will do some baking. Maybe it will entice her to eat something?