Digging for information and Dr Google…

OK, So last week my Grandma had the biopsies done. She was supposed to get the results yesterday but nothing much was mentioned at the Dr’s clinic. Only that there was something and it had spread to the lymph nodes and she had to see a specialist at a local hospital who will go through everything in detail with her.

Today when i was at her house, she asked me to check some paperwork and forms- which i did, for her.
It was the results and paperwork for the specialist that she has to see.
There were so many “big words” among the results. But it does indeed look like it is advanced breast cancer and cancer in the lymph nodes.
I’m not sure if it has spread further, but now knowing what i do, it would not surprise me if it has spread to the lungs as well, as she is finding it very hard to breathe and to walk more than about 10 metres at a time.

I am trying so very hard to stay strong.
I was doing well (I thought), until i did a Google search of the cancer and looked up the life expectancy of someone with it. Depending on the severity of the cancer and it’s stage, there is a life expectancy of approximately one month to about 2 years if the patient goes through radiation or chemotherapy. My Grandma has said numerous times now that if it is bad, she does not want to have any treatment or operations, she just wants to be kept as pain free as possible and allowed to die with dignity.

I can’t begin to imagine what life is going to be like without her…
I can’t imagine Christmas without her…

I know it’s greedy for me to want to keep her here on Earth, to keep her alive, but if the pain gets worse than what it already is, she doesn’t deserve to suffer anymore.

I guess it is times like this that the euthanasia debate comes into play again.
I don’t believe my Grandma would willingly want to end her life just yet, but if the pain becomes unbearable, i do believe that she should have the choice and be able to make it herself, rather than have her body shut down on her and possibly have her suffer more than she has to.

I knew that my Grandma getting sick would happen… but this is tearing me apart internally. I am doing my best to hold myself together, especially when i am with her, but when i am alone………..

…………………………that’s when it hurts me the most.

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