Waiting for the unknown.

The days seem to drag on so slowly yet the days are flying by so very fast.
The past few weeks have gone by in no time at all.

So much yet so little has happened.

I am still running on autopilot, yet i am falling apart.
I stay strong for most of the day, yet at night i almost always fall to pieces and tears flow freely.

With everything that has been happening, and with how i was hoping to not have to visit a doctor for a long time, i bit the bullet and made an appointment with my Family Doctor.
I told her what’s been happening and she has kick started the process of keeping my health in check.

Then and there, she gave me a breast examination. Thankfully i am fine. For now.
I have to have check ups every two years, or sooner if i feel or notice a change.
I feel guilty though- knowing my breasts are healthy. Knowing my Nan is, and possibly my Mum could be, living day by day not knowing when there time is up.

My Mum has no clue how sick her mother is, she is in denial. Even with her own health. I spoke to her yesterday, telling her she should go and have a chat with her doctor and get checked out. Her response was “I’m not worried, it’ll go away soon and i’ll be back to normal.” She is also convinced that Nan is going to get better.
I can’t bring myself to tell her otherwise as i know she won’t be able to cope knowing the truth.

I am doing everything i can to look after my Nan as her health gets worse.
I try to help Mum, but it’s like talking to a brick wall. Nothing is going to happen.

I have to try to look after myself too but some days i just don’t feel like eating. Some days i can’t get to sleep at night as my mind is in overdrive thinking about every possible thing there is for me to think about.
Some days i wonder why i care so much. Why i care so much that i hope and pray that my loved ones can be healthy and it was me that was at the end of my life. I wish i could switch bodies, to be able to take their pain and worries away.

On top of all this, my back pain has come back with a vengeance. I don’t know if it is due to the stress of the past few weeks, if it is simply due to bad posture or something entirely different. I have even wondered if i have something more sinister going on within my body- within my bones and muscles?
I know reading up about cancer can have one wondering if their own aches and pains could be a cancer, but knowing that cancer has affected so many of my family members, i can’t help but wonder if it is eating me up too?
Is this why i have had back pains for so long? Could it be a cancer that the doctors have not considered?

I just don’t know what to think anymore.

I just wish i was capable of doing more than i currently do.


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