When is a birthday NOT a birthday?

So, i recently had a birthday, but it was more like a regular day. Just like any other day of the week.

I didn’t want it to be about me as i want to celebrate my Nan’s life for as long as she is alive, i don’t know how much longer she has left, but i want every day to be special for her.

Any other birthday i probably would have asked to go away for the weekend or have a day trip somewhere with the family but not this year.
This year i was happy to stay with my Nan and have my family come to me (which they did) as well as see the people who came to visit my Nan.
It was so lovely to see extended family members who i haven’t seen for a while.

I had friends, family & acquaintances wish me a Happy Birthday on Social Media which was lovely.

But at the end of it… it’s just another day.
I am happy that my Nan ate better that day. She ate more that day than she had for a while beforehand. That is what made me happiest.

That is what life is about.

Love. Family. Friends.

I’m lost.

I sit here propped up in bed. I feel lost. I feel i no longer know who i am or what i want.

I want to cry and let all my feelings out but something is holding me back. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why it is doing it.

I want to enjoy life. Enjoy life with those around me when i have company. Enjoy my own company when i am alone. I want to enjoy little moments as well as big events.

I feel i have lost the ability to trust those who i trusted all my life. Without trust what do we have? Nothing.

To be and have nothing is very sad and lonely. No love, no honesty, no trust.

I think i have lost my way and i don’t know if i can find my way back…

How life changes…

Since my last post, My grandmother took a turn for the worse.
She ended up having a 3 week stay in hospital. She has had radiation for some new cancers they found, she had her lungs drained of quite a bit of fluid and has had test after test after test. I’m not sure what they haven’t tested for!
She was discharged from hospital and I have now become her full time carer.

Maybe i am naive, maybe i am somehow coping better than some family members but i seem to be taking it all in my stride. (I think that’s the saying i’m thinking of.)
Never in my wildest dreams or darkest nightmares did i ever think that I would be the primary carer of the amazing woman who raised me.
Never did i imagine she would become so frail. She is mostly skin and bone now but her mind is still very sharp. She is still happy to speak up and say what is on her mind to most people she talks to. She requests favourite foods for her meals. She eats quite small servings now, but the main thing is that she is still eating.

The assortment of medications she is now on can be daunting but i am in a routine of what she has to have throughout the day.

We are fortunate enough to be in a government program where we get medical professionals out to the house to help her and visit her.

I’m not sure how much longer she will be with us, but i am making the most of each and every day we have together.

Even though we are in the middle of winter here, we still have plenty of flowers in the garden so i make sure she has a vase of two of fresh flowers in the house for her to look at throughout the day.

We try to joke around each day, find something funny to laugh at… or at least smile at.

I now feel it is up to me to try and make this final chapter as warm and loving as i can for her. I do not know how long this chapter is, but i hope we’re in it together for a while yet.