Alone in a crowded room

Every day people come and go in the house.

Carers, family, friends.

They all come to help or see my Nan and how she is going.
Some ask how I am, but the response is always the same “I’m fine thanks”.

This could not be further from the truth though.

I can’t recall the last time i felt this lonely. Maybe it was during my teenage years when the bullying was at it’s worst? When i always had people around but i never felt i could say anything without being told I’d brought this upon myself.
I did not then, as i do not want to now, bring attention to myself.

This time is my Nan’s time. She deserves to shine for as long as she can. I do not want to take the spotlight away from her.

Meanwhile i stand out of sight watching over her, watching over everyone. Standing in the wings silently weeping, silently wishing i could make things better, silently wishing i could give her everything she wants and everything she needs at this very moment.
Silently wishing i had the guts to speak up and say what i felt.

To say that some people should take a good hard look in the mirror as they are hurting Nan by thinking of themselves, by putting THEIR wants before hers. By suggesting options which make THEIR life easier even if it is the complete opposite of what she wants or needs.

But this won’t ever happen. Not out loud anyway. Not while Nan is living. I will continue to keep my thoughts to myself, i’ll continue to have a weight lift off my shoulders when you leave the house until next time.

I will continue to put my whole life, spirit and soul into taking care of Nan.

I truly want her to be able to do whatever she requests. I will do my best to be able to make it happen for her.
So far i feel i am doing the right thing for her.

She is my #1 priority.
I wish i could take the pain and illness away and die with it so she doesn’t have to.

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