I feel that i have failed those i love, those i care about, my family and friends… Myself.
I know i am in a situation that i cannot control.
It is up to God, Mother Nature, fate, whoever or whatever you believe in as to what happens from here.
I feel lost.
I feel i have failed myself because i sometimes have thoughts that make me second guess myself. Thoughts that make me question myself. Thoughts that have me wondering if i have chosen the right path.
Am i doing the right thing?
It is NOT a walk in the park. There may not be much physical effort or work involved, but psychologically, it is so hard.
I am not too far away from my family, but i am scared at who i am becoming. What i am turning into.
Will i still be the same Mum that i was at the start of the year? Will i still be the same wife? The same friend?
I just don’t know.
I thought being a carer wouldn’t be so bad, after all, i was looking after my Nan which is something i have done in the past. But this is much harder.
I am having to see her health deteriorate. I am having to help her dress when she can muster the strength to change into nightclothes, otherwise she just asks to sleep in the clothes she had been wearing that day. I am now having to help her when she goes to the toilet. Sometimes, it is like i am caring for a young child who has not yet mastered how to use the toilet. It is killing me seeing her this bad. But i know things can possibly get worse.
Her eyes seem to be sinking back into her eye sockets further and further each day. He body is now just skin and bones. She is continuing to lose weight. She is shrinking away to nothingness.
I feel hopeless. I do not know what i can do.
I can’t leave the house as i have to help her. I am her carer. I promised all her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren that i would care for her as long as i was needed. I feel that it is now that she needs me the most.
BUT it is now that things are getting scary as i feel i can’t help her anymore. My hands are tied. I am being held captive by her illness, although in a different way to how it is affecting her.
I wish i could take her pain away.
I wish i could take away the illness.
I wish i could make everything alright.