Fluid Rocks

It sounds like it can’t be true, but that is how i would explain how i am feeling at the moment.

I feel like a rock as i have to be strong at the moment, i am trying my hardest to stay strong and not fall apart while constantly pulling myself together so i don’t fall apart in front of my children…
YET…
Fluid as i feel like i am falling apart, like i can’t contain myself. Like i can’t keep myself in one piece.
Like water in a broken glass, you can fill it up, but it will leak, water will spill out uncontrolled. I can’t seem to keep my feelings to myself. I know it is good to express oneself, but when all i can think of at the moment is negative emotions and feelings, i feel it is is a bad thing.

I have made contact with my psychologist again, for the first time this year and it was good to be able to talk freely without any judgement.
We have agreed to meet on a regular basis now with me being able to have impromptu sessions between our scheduled sessions if i feel i need them.

I scare myself knowing that i still have so much hatred within me. I am having flashbacks of moments in time from my childhood. Moments that i must have blocked out of my memory… until now.
Now they are coming back to haunt me. Coming back to taunt me and make me constantly question myself and everything i do.

I have allowed myself to empathise with those who have hurt me in recent weeks. I can understand why they are acting how they are. They are scared, they are hurting, unable to express how they are feeling for fear of not being taken seriously bu those who look up to them. I am sure that is why they are gossiping and spreading rumours about me and my family. Why they have turned my whole family against me. Every. Blood. Relative.

I have come to terms with my Nan being at the end of her life. I find it comforting knowing that she was able to see everyone she wanted to see and that she was able to do everything that she wanted to get done. Well, that’s what she told me, anyway.
I feel so very lucky to have been able to step into the role as her carer. I was an extension of her body. Doing things for her that she wasn’t able to do for herself.

I just want to feel at peace with myself but i don’t know where to start. I don’t know where to turn.

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