I received two phone calls yesterday.
One from my Nan’s sister saying she had received a phone call saying that my Nan’s health has been deteriorating and that she is now needing strong painkillers at least every 2 hours; the second from another 2 relatives (via a “speaker phone chat”) letting me know that the cancer has now spread throughout Nan’s body, into not only more bones but also soft tissue and other organs. She has started hallucinating again, quite badly this time and is talking a lot of gibberish (possibly due to the pain relief she is on or maybe the hallucinations?).
No one could say how long she is expected to last for now, but i hope for her sake, that it isn’t too much longer as she has been saying she is ready to die for the past 5+ weeks.
I hate knowing that i have been threatened with violence by some family members if they find out i visit Nan. I don’t want them to think they have “won”, as they haven’t, i just don’t know if i want to see Nan now. In a way i do want to as i would love to have some “us time” to let her know how much i love her and just to be there with her for a little while but on the other hand, with what i have been told about her most recent health status and state of mind, i don’t think i do want to have this new memory of her. I think i would just prefer to remember her how i last saw her and moreso, about those weeks we spent together where i was able to be an extension of her and be able to care for her in between her hospital stays.
Although some people have tried to make these past few months hell for me, they have not won, nor will they get on top of me in the future.
I will not allow their childish ways to make me less of a human.
I will not let their immaturity get the better of me.
I know that what i have done for Nan over the past countless number of years (but mostly the past 2-3 years) will always be appreciated by Nan and also other family and friends who realise just how much i have actually done for her.
Most of all though, i feel so very lucky that i have spent a great deal of my life with Nan, having her to talk to whenever i wanted to, being able to have her as the first person i go to if i needed someone or if i wanted advice or needed to know how to do something.
Nan taught me so much about life, she taught me how to cook, how to clean, she taught me patience, perseverance, love, courage, she taught me to not judge a book by it’s cover, most importantly though- she taught me how to believe in myself.