Belly Flop from 100 feet.

Imagine how you would feel after that landing. We are imagining this so there is no way we will die from this stunt.

Bloody sore and upset i am sure. Tears, head scratching, bewilderment and wandering around not knowing what is going on too i guess.

Well, that’s how i have been feeling for most of this week.
I just can’t seem to function properly. I had an appointment with my psychologist earlier this week and as soon as i walked in her door, she knew. I didn’t have to say anything. She knew i was feeling like shit.
The first thing she said to me was “What’s wrong? Something is really wrong and we HAVE to talk about this.”

I didn’t know exactly what it was making me feel how i was, but i knew i had a lot of little things that had been stewing up in my mind. Stuff that had been gnawing at me for who knows how long.

I told her about the little bits and pieces that had been worrying me, and although that helped a little bit, it didn’t help much.

Today i am still walking around, not really knowing what i am doing.

I just want to feel normal again…

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Roller Coasters and Tumble turns.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy what a past few days and weeks it has been.

I have been doing a lot of research on my biological father and have been in contact with a man who i believe to be my biological father’s brother. All the information i have fits exactly with this man i have been talking to and the information he has been sharing with me.
I am still being very careful though but i just have a gut feeling that i am on the right track. It will be interesting to see where things lead and if my Dad does want to eventually want to talk to or meet me in the future.
It’s still early days yet though, so i’m not going to count my chickens before they hatch.

 

On the flip side… i was talking to another family member yesterday and they told me my Mum mentioned that she and another sibling had been molested in their youth.
This was a HUGE shock to me. Mum wouldn’t say WHO it was that hurt her, but did say the same person hurt both her and her sibling.
I can’t believe that this would’ve happened to my Mum… why would someone feel the need to take advantage of someone like her?
I wish i knew who it was.
I have so many thoughts running through my mind, going through all the people who have been a part of my family’s lives for a long time, wondering if it was any of those people but i just don’t know.

I wish Mum trusted me enough to tell me about this herself. I would help her take things further so she could have some closure from the abuse she had to put up with.
She has every right to go to the police and report the abuse but i think she has been told to “forget about it and just get on with her life”.

That is so very wrong to say that and knowing she was told that makes me even more angrier and determined for her to be able to report the crime and bring the criminal to pay for what he did.

 

One thing which does quite concern me is ME.
I know i was conceived “by accident”… since finding out this latest piece of information, i can’t help but wonder if i was the result of her being molested or if the man i have been told is my Dad, is still actually my Dad?
Surely i wouldn’t be told a man was my Dad if he wasn’t by people who had no need to say such a lie?

What a mess…

This morning i was trying to write a letter but for the life of me, i couldn’t seem to get the words out right. It was almost as if i wasn’t meant to be saying what i wanted to say.

I am going to go over it again sometime and see if i can edit it to make it sound right and come out how i want it to.

All i could manage this morning was getting many different thoughts our of my mind and onto a page as words, individually they made sense, but together it was just a heap of jumbled nonsense.

I hope i can get away from this writers block and get back to having words flow freely so i can express myself how i want without sounding like a complete mess.

The unwanted one.

For most of my life i have felt like i have been unwanted.

My Mum would constantly remind me that i was not wanted, that i was a mistake and should have never happened.
Throughout my childhood i was often bullied for who i was and i was shunted around many “groups of friends” at school.
I often ended up sitting in corridors alone during recess and lunch or spending all my time in the school library. I felt safer on my own than i did around so called friends.
(Sometimes i still feel that is the case now.)

Yesterday i spoke to my Mum on the phone and she was telling me how she is having to rely on her siblings or nephews to help her do a few things around the house.
I reminded her that she DOES have a Daughter, Son-in-law and grandchildren who can help her.
Her response? “I know but…”
Three little words. They don’t really mean much as those 3 little individual words, but when said how she did, it was very degrading. Like she is still pushing me out of her life. I told her that if she doesn’t want to see us or if she doesn’t want anymore contact, to just say so. The rest of the family have kicked me out of their lives but at least i know where i stand with them. It is sad that they believes lies that were spread about me, but everyone has a right to have their own opinions and believe whatever they wish.
I just want to know where i stand with my Mum.

Last night my husband went to bed upset with me.
He noticed that my ex-boyfriend who also happens to be a family friend had sent me an email (simply asking how i had been coping since my Nan passed away) and he wasn’t happy about that.
Maybe i am completely stupid, naive, call it what you will, but if my hubby wanted to occasionally talk to one of his exes, i wouldn’t have a problem with it. I trust that at the end of the day, it is ME that he wants to spend his life with and be with. I don’t have feelings for anyone other than my husband. He is the only person i can ever imagine being intimate with now.
I don’t see any problem with having friends of any orientation or gender- they are simply people who i get along with.
Friends are just that. Friends. People who you have a common interest with. People who you can comfortable talk to and mingle with.

I just hate feeling unwanted all the time.

I want to feel wanted.

I don’t want the worst of my childhood continuing to haunt me throughout my adult life.
I try my hardest to move forwards and find positive things… but it seems that once the positive things start to happen, then something horrible happens again and i am back to square one. Often i am back feeling lower and worse than i did the previous time i felt like absolute shit.

I just want all this negativity to end. Well, the worst of it anyway. I know you can’t have good without bad, but surely the bad parts don’t have to be so much stronger and affect me so much more than what any positive moments do.

It is like i am taking 3 steps forward but 7 steps back…

I was just about on top of my depression and anxiety, now it is like it is no longer creeping back, but about to completely ambush me all at once. But i just don’t know when it will happen.

That is what makes me scared… not knowing when it is going to hit.

Today I’m sad.

Today i am sad.

I think i was meant to grieve today. I have cried a little, i have felt numb a lot.
I am very unmotivated today. I know there is so much that i could be doing, but i just don’t feel like doing anything at all.

I have had lot of butterflies flutter around me today when i was outside for a short while. I felt that it was Nan visiting me.
I had to go out this morning and as i was driving home, a line from a song on the radio was “…send me a message from above….” and at that instant, a butterfly appeared from nowhere and flew over the top of my car.
If that wasn’t a sign that she’s watching over me, i don’t know what is. I have had other butterfly encounters this week. I believe it is Nan letting me know that she is happy.

I miss Nan so very much- more than i can currently express. I keep thinking of things i want to say to her, then i remember she is no longer alive and it is like a little part of me dies a little bit more.

There are times when i wish i could rewind time itself just so i can have a little bit more time with her.
I never got to say goodbye properly and that is what upsets me the most.

Life goes on…

So, it seems that although the reality of my Nan’s death and the grief is now hitting me like a truck at random times and knocking me for six, i still seem to be able to pull myself together and get on with life.

I now know i am not running on auto-pilot. I feel a very strong need to get away for a while. I don’t know, it could be a number of hours, or a week or more. I just don’t know. All i know is that i need to be on my own for a little while and be with someone who loves me too. Just so i can hug them and have someone to “just exist” with me. Someone to watch the clouds with me, or the stars…

I just need to get back to nature…..

The road’s getting bumpy.

I think the grief is starting to kick in now.

Today has not been a great day for me. I woke up with a list of things in my head that i wanted to get done but so far i haven’t done a single thing and i feel so bad because of it.

I just want to jump in my car and drive away. I don’t know where, all i know is that i don’t want to be here right at this very moment. It’s nothing about the people here. I love my family. I just want to be alone.

I just want to sit somewhere nice and reflect. Reflect on life. Reflect on what i have done.
Consider what i want to do from here. Do i have any goals that i would like to achieve? I know i have my “big dream”- the one where i run my own business in a country town, but i think i need to make some smaller, more realistic goals for now. I feel that my life is turning into a constant disappointment. It is like i can’t keep anyone happy. At times i feel as though i have been put on this Earth to upset everyone that i meet. I know that is NOT the case, but only being able to vividly remember the things which had the biggest negative impacts on my life means it is hard for me to accept anything positive that happens to me.

I want to turn it around. I want to fill my life with positive experiences. I want to be happy.
I am sure i deserve to be happy- heck, EVERYONE deserves happiness, so why shouldn’t i get some happiness too?