Light at the end of the tunnel

I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am hopeful of getting answers to my continuing pain.

Recent blood test results showed some abnormal levels which has my doctor thinking I could possibly have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). Today I have to have some scans done so further testing can be done to confirm if I do in fact have RA.

A part of me hopes that I do, I just want answers so I can look into the illness more, do I can research what I can do to help myself. There is also a part of me who wants to find out this is not RA… But then it leaves me where I was. Still in pain with no idea why.

I currently feel scared. The first part is in just over 7 hours time but I can’t sleep. My mind is racing, anxiety is rising, negative thoughts are present and pushing past the few calming slivers of hope that I have left.

I don’t know how long it’ll take to get the results, but I’m hoping not more than a few days.

If this isn’t RA, I want to keep pressing on… I want to get to the bottom of this pain. I want answers. I have put up with the pain for far too long.

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Howling

The winds are howling,

Crying out to those they’ve lost.

The winds are howling,

Warning those to turn and recede.

The icy winds cut like a knife,

Severing life and limb and taking lives.

The icy winds cut like a knife,

No one is safe from their deadly bite.

Stop.

Listen to what she has to say.

Stop.

Take her advice, stay away.

If you must go,

Do not blame me.

She tried to warn you,

She is the vicious sea.

Speak or shut up.

I think it’s time to make some noise. I have been far too quiet for far too long.

There have been many times when i have wanted to write, but i guess life or something got in the way and i just never got around to it.

It is the early hours of the morning and i am meant to start work in a little over 7 hours time. I simply can’t sleep though. I have so many unanswered questions racing through my mind.

You see, it seems we have light-fingered people in our house. It has to be one of the children which makes me sick to my stomach just admitting that. Hubby and I have been collecting coins for them. Coins which are only face value when released but soon enough increase in value- and could possibly one day help them to go through tertiary education or buy a car or get them one step closer to their dream. But that won’t happen now as a number of those coins have disappeared from where we had them. It is so incredibly disappointing to think that someone feels a need to take something (from our bedroom, mind you) without simply asking us first.

I just don’t know what path to take. Do i go to the extreme of taking all the kids to the local police station and ask the police to explain to the kids what happens to people who steal things? Do we search through their bags and belongings in hope that they have hidden the coins somewhere in their school bags or bedrooms? I am simply at a loss.

I feel like such a failure of  parent. A sad and sorry excuse and by no means a good role model for them; i mean, if i WAS a good role model, why would they feel a need to steal from me?

I am lost. I am not only a pathetic excuse of a mother, i am a horrible wife too as how could i let my children do such a thing to us… What have I done to make them feel that i deserve to be treated in such a way? It doesn’t make sense.

I am at the point where i feel i can’t go to sleep in case whoever it is, comes into our bedroom while we sleep and try to find something else to take.

I just don’t know what to think anymore….. 😦

I am the reason.

I am the reason the house is filled with stress.

I am the reason why others get angry at my children.

I am the reason why my children don’t feel they need to be respectful.

I am the reason others are filled with hatred.

I am the adult who still lets the bullies push me around for fear of them hurting those I love if I speak up.

I am the result of a lifetime of bullying.

I know what it’s like to wish I was dead rather than put up with the hurtful words and actions of my bullies.

But I would never wish the same upon them as I doubt they would survive it like I have.

They are not strong enough to put on a brave face and act as if it is not affecting them one bit.

They are simply scared individuals who have not been taught ways of expressing their feelings without hurting others. They act in a cowardly manner as they know no better.

Pushing through

Suicide.

It’s definitely not a word to be taken half heartedly, nor joked about.

It is not the “easy way out”, it is beyond a cry for help.

It is something that often comes up in my mind. My mind constantly tells me the whole world would be better off without me.

It doesn’t help that people talk down to me. I don’t care if you don’t like me, just don’t constantly remind my children what a waste of space I am. That is why they don’t respect me, that’s why they often tell me how bad a person I actually am.

It gets so bad that I find myself believing their lies. It’s easier to believe vicious lies than to try and fight for myself, speaking up for myself has seldom worked, and even if I did find an ounce of courage- it doesn’t take much to make my self esteem stoop lower than it ever has before.

Maybe I’m meant to die a slow miserable death, starting with my soul and loves being killed off first until I am just an empty hollow shell of my former self?

Just Dance

Just dance like no one is watching

Leave your worries and doubts, do not cry

May you never fall back to the person you were

You have a new life to live, it’s not bad.

Please promise you won’t stop moving

One step at a time is all it takes.

Believe in yourself, you can do it

Your heart and your soul – it now wakes.

Bruises aren’t always visible.

Bruises hurt. People understand they hurt and believe you may be in pain because your pain is visible.

Things like words though, are invisible. Once they’ve been spoken, they can’t be unspoken. These words can hurt as much or even more than a physical injury which is easily seen.

Invisible pain can happen at anytime, and can be dished out by anyone across many forms. It can cause lifelong pain, and soul-destroying scars on your emotional wellbeing.

Words have the ability of doing more harm than what a weapon is capable of.

Unfit for work.

Those three little words can at times make even the strongest person feel worthless.

My lower back and nerve pain has now forced me to take 3 weeks off work.

I am thankful that I can walk around, the pain is still there but its bareable. I still have trouble bathing myself and dressing myself at times so I’m still heavily relying on my husband to help me.

I feel worthless as my brain tells me I have to do everything on my to do list, but my body won’t allow me to do much at all. It is really frustrating as in many people’s opinions : “you don’t look sick.” That has to be one of the most challenging things to hear without letting it get to me. It is hard to ignore.

I feel bad enough as it is, but when that comment is directed at me, I feel so much worse.

My lack of income is hurting me financially too. It sucks.

I hate my kids seeing me like this. I should be a role model for them, I shouldn’t need them to help care for me at their young ages.

Late night ramblings

Slouched in bed,

My husband snoring next to me.

The TV is my only company.

Sharp, piercing pain shoots through my back and down the length of my legs.

The professionals say there is nothing wrong.

How is this normal!?

My biggest vice is not speaking up, I suffer in silence. It’s what I deserve.

I feel like a nobody and at times it feels like that’s how I’m treated too.

I will never be someone’s princess.

I will never truly be appreciated or respected.

Physi-NO!

I have been having some physiotherapy sessions over the past month or so. I went in with an open mind and even though things felt worse for a while I believed the physio when he told me it’ll take time. Nothing happens immediately.

I have had physio in the past both privately and through the public health system, each one had their own way of “fixing” me.

This one’s speciality however was Dry Needling. After each session I would be in pain and the pain would worsen in the days that followed. At one session I told him that I didn’t think dry Needling was right but he said although he heard my concerns, he knew best, so he did it again. On the final visit I told him how much worse the pain was but again he insisted the dry Needling would work. I hobbled out of his practice to my car. It took me twice as long to get home due to the pain I was experiencing and weakness I was getting in my legs.

I have since been in much more pain, my back pain (reason I went to him in the first place) got so bad I ended up in the local hospital Emergency Department. I’m now on various pain relief and cannot work until I’m cleared by my doctor.

Some days I can get around slowly, other days I can barely stand up let alone move.

I’m worried my children will not have the Christmas they deserve as I’m not sure how if I’ll get any more shifts at work before we close for the school holidays. If I don’t recover fast from this most recent bout of back pain, I’m not going to get shifts which will mean I won’t get paid which will in turn mean no money for gifts. ☹️

Some days my life sucks.