Fast forward 12 months…

and you arrive at today.

It was about a year ago that my Nan was first diagnosed with the breast cancer.

It was about a year ago that my life changed more than i thought it ever would.

I feel so alone, even though i know i have a few friends and family that do care.

Others not so much, but a few do.

I have very strong feelings that the next 3 months are going to be very hard as it was this time of year- last year, that i spent so much time with Nan. Helping her in every way that i could. Even if it was just sitting with her by her hospital bed, or on the lounge next to her when i was looking after her.

I will never forget the little chats we had, the things she told to me that i will take to the grave- just as she took them to hers.

I thought the grief would lessen and life would be easier to live as time went on. But it seems that it isn’t the case.

As i type this, tears are running down my cheeks, i cannot stop them, nor do i think i want to stop them.
They are tears showing how much i miss my Nan, how much i loved her, how much i still love her. How i wish i could have her back with me.

Sometimes life really sucks. I can’t help but wonder what i have done so bad to deserve these obstacles in my life.

I just want to be free.
I just want to feel loved.
I just want to know who i am.

I feel that i have lost all meaning of life.

I am scared.

She is free.

I received the phone call from the hospital in the early hours of the morning. Nan had passed away.

She is now free. Free from pain. Free from being force fed. Free from having to live because some people were not willing to accept the fact she was ready to go.

I was told she was unconscious for about the last 12 hours. This is comforting for me to know as i believe it made the transition into her next life a calmer one for her.

I have always been one who likes to know information, who likes details.
I would love to know the exact time she passed. I would love to know what her final day was like. I would love to find out what her final medical results were. I would love to know exactly where the cancer had spread.
I doubt i will ever get this exact information. It is something i will have to live with for the rest of my life.

But one thing is for sure.

I know i was ALWAYS honest with everyone.

I know i ALWAYS gave Nan my full attention and care when i was looking after her; not just in these most recent weeks & months but for all my life.
I have helped her with lots of things since i was a little girl and i can live my life knowing i always did the most i could for Nan and i know she appreciated everything i did for her.

 

I love you so much Nan.
May you now fly free.