Merry WHAT!?

This time of year is supposed to bring out the best in all of us. It is supposed to be a time of parties, celebrations, gift giving, charity, caring and to many people- Jesus and/or Santa.

To me however, this time of year is one that i dread. It is a time of year that reminds me of those who i have lost, it is a time of year which reminds me of the family members who have upset not only me, but others at gatherings among family and friends. It is a time of year that makes me feel threatened, scared, wary, a time of year that leaves me doubting myself, a time that makes me question my own worth as not only a friend, but also as a mother, a wife and often has me questioning my own existence.

I may not be homeless or going hungry from being unable to buy food to eat- but i do feel alone.
It is almost like the more people i have around… the more lonely i feel.

In an ideal world, i would love to celebrate this time of year with my family, but i want to do it within my means and i would love to start a new family tradition… not follow on with the traditions of other family members.
Something simple like a picnic at a beach or park, or even go camping for a few days if the weather is nice enough. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money… i would ideally just like to spend some time with my hubby and our children.

Just our little family.

Surely that is not too much of an ask? Is it?

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Exhausted.

Today i saw my psychologist and we had a good chat about my recent health issues, family, friends, life in general, work and a few dark shadows of my past kept rising to the surface during our chat.

We spoke of life, death, caring for loved ones, suicidal thoughts, past interests & hobbies… many were things that i have not openly spoken about in quite a long while.
In a way it felt good to talk about things again… but it was an emotional roller coaster.

I didn’t realise that my teen years still played such a huge part in my life.

She picked up on it long before i did during our chat. I am glad she did. She knows that my mind may put ideas and thoughts into my head but i am smart enough to not let those bad thoughts take over my life and completely rule what i do.
That is something i am very thankful of, as if i played out some of the things that go on in my mind… i would either be in all sorts of trouble….. or dead.

Tonight i am completely and utterly exhausted. More than i have been in a long while.

I’m not sure if the exhaustion is due to old memories that resurfaced today, or if it was because this was the first time i had worked in about 6 weeks, or because i have just been so busy today- i have been on the go for close to 17 hours almost non-stop.

Now, it is time for bed and sleep.

I hope to get a good sleep. I don’t have to worry about an alarm tomorrow as i don’t have to work.

Good night everybody.

 

Low, lower, lowest

That’s pretty much how my self esteem has gone today.

I feel like no matter what or how much i do or don’t do, it will never be good enough for those around me.

There is always at least one person who has something negative to say, and usually one or two more to confirm their negativity, making the comment maker feel good about being rude towards others.

It really gets to me. It takes me back to the many years of bullying i had to put up with throughout my childhood, teens and into my early adult years.
Those words never leave you, and each time you hear them again- they usually end up with the victim having flashbacks of their troubled past.

I just wish it would stop.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

The Bucket List

I am sure just about everyone has heard of the term “Bucket List”- that list you write sometime in your life that you hope to tick all the items off before you die…

Over the years and during various stages of my life, i have half-heartedly written bucket lists. Most of the things i have written have been far fetched or beyond my wildest dreams.

Over the past few days though i have been seriously thinking about what i want to do before i die.
I don’t know if these cysts are cancerous or not.
Either way though- i think it is time i should make some type of realistic list of things i want to do… alone… with my friends… my children… my husband… my family.

I was talking to my hubby today about what i might include in the list. Some things will be easy to get done, other things however will need more time and money to help them become a reality; a few things i’m not sure are even possible- they seem too far fetched.

I just don’t want my life to end not having lived it as fully as i hoped it could have turned out.

Fast forward 12 months…

and you arrive at today.

It was about a year ago that my Nan was first diagnosed with the breast cancer.

It was about a year ago that my life changed more than i thought it ever would.

I feel so alone, even though i know i have a few friends and family that do care.

Others not so much, but a few do.

I have very strong feelings that the next 3 months are going to be very hard as it was this time of year- last year, that i spent so much time with Nan. Helping her in every way that i could. Even if it was just sitting with her by her hospital bed, or on the lounge next to her when i was looking after her.

I will never forget the little chats we had, the things she told to me that i will take to the grave- just as she took them to hers.

I thought the grief would lessen and life would be easier to live as time went on. But it seems that it isn’t the case.

As i type this, tears are running down my cheeks, i cannot stop them, nor do i think i want to stop them.
They are tears showing how much i miss my Nan, how much i loved her, how much i still love her. How i wish i could have her back with me.

Sometimes life really sucks. I can’t help but wonder what i have done so bad to deserve these obstacles in my life.

I just want to be free.
I just want to feel loved.
I just want to know who i am.

I feel that i have lost all meaning of life.

I am scared.

Daily Prompt: Taper

I hoped and prayed that the vicious nature of her once beautiful soul would taper off and reveal the person she once was.

I hold a glimmer of hope that there is still a flickering light of love somewhere in the depths of her soul.
A glimmer of hope that she will one day realise that her current ways are detrimental to not only her own health and well being but to others too.

It scares me to think what she could possibly do if she was to ever go through with her threats. That is what scares me the most.

My once courageous feelings of knowing that i WAS capable of almost anything have, over the years, tapered right off as her behaviour worsened.
I know parenting is a never-ending series of lessons about life, but this is getting a bit much at times.

I hope that one day, all this negative energy and outrage will taper off so much so that is is a far off memory that we can all put behind us.

 

via Daily Prompt: Taper

Twists and Turns

This evening i received a phone call from my Mum.

She was quite flustered, she asked me where her paperwork for her pre-paid funeral was.
I honestly do not have a clue as she went to do that with her Mum and brother some time last year.
All i could suggest was that she look in my late grandparent’s bedroom in the chest of drawers or cupboard as that is where i was told most of the important paperwork was kept. The only other things i can think of would be that she put it in a safe place in her bedroom or that her brother picked up her paperwork when he gathered his Mum’s paperwork to organise the funeral last year.

There was also a bit of general small talk between us, but on a number of occasions she kept saying how she has changed so much over the past 9 months and that i don’t know the real her and probably will never know the real her now.
Somehow, we ended up speaking for about 20minutes. If i had’ve known the phone call would have left me feeling so deflated and my anxiety levels rising at an ever increasing rate, i would have said i was unable to help and made the call as brief as possible, but i guess there was that little girl inside of me who was hoping to have a nice civil chat with her Mum which is why i stayed on the phone, mostly listening to everything she had to say to me (and in many cases, about me).

I am trying to get over the threats and other negative comments and gossip that her side of the family have been spreading about me over the past 10 months or so. I am trying to get on with my life, but it feels like when i am just about on top of everything and moving forwards with my life, something happens and she appears again and relays information or gossip that i really didn’t need to hear.
It is such a kick in the guts. It makes me feel so bad about myself again.

Just when things start looking bright for me, someone looms over like a dark threatening stormcloud; looking to ruin what would have been an otherwise beautiful day.

I just want to get on with my life. A couple of cruel individuals thought it would be a great joke to spread lies about me, to threaten me and my family, to make me feel unsafe when out in public and to turn all those who i had loved and called my family for all my life against me.
I can’t fathom why they would continue to do such a thing. They have taken so much from me, yet it feels like they seem to think it still isn’t enough.

When will the torment stop?
I can only hope i will continue to fight off the voices in my head and wake up every morning and try my hardest to find someone or something to live for.

How knowledge changes things.

Last night i decided to do a little bit of random googling…
I ended up googling my grandmother’s name and found out that her assets have been sorted out and divided up and given out to those stated in her will.

All my life both my grandparents said they would look after me every way they could.
When i became an adult, my Nan told me i would be fine once she was no longer with us. She said i wouldn’t have to worry too much.
Last night i found out the will had been changed the day after her 80th birthday.
Now some of the things she was telling me when i was caring for her is starting to make sense. I am thinking she may have been forced to change her will. There are 2 family members who would not have been happy with the original will she had written and they would have pressured her into changing it. They were always like that and they still are.
The two of them always backed each other up, but it was only one of them who seemed to do all the deciding and choosing what would happen and when.¬†She warned me about a particular family member… to be careful of that person once she was gone.
I think this is what she was meaning.

I hope those who were in her will can live their lives with a bit less financial hardship. I know there are a couple of people who will be much better off now, as long as they look after the money and spend it wisely.
There is one in particular who doesn’t need any of it but i am sure they will waste it on holidays and other material possessions. Hopefully they will divide it up among their children or grandchildren? Maybe help them out by putting it towards education or a family home?

I’m not bitter. Slightly upset that she let someone else tell her how to live her life and what to do, but not bitter.

It’s not worth it. Those people aren’t worth it.

 

When you just can’t find the words…

I think the reality of Nan’s passing is starting to really sink in now.

I still reach out for a paper or some groceries to buy for her when i am out, then i have to stop and remind myself that it is no longer needed as she is no longer here.

I still think about picking up my phone to ring her and tell her about something that made me happy or proud but then realise she can’t be reached that way.

I am still quite numb, still very sad, although i don’t know if sad is the right word… I am relieved that she is now out of pain, but i guess it is still raw at times. There are so many “If only” situations. It is too late now. I can’t get her back.
I want to blame those relatives who have turned my entire family against me.
Almost 8 weeks have past and i now feel more lonely than what i have in years… I can’t ever remember feeling this lonely, this empty, this vulnerable.

My Mum does not contact me and if i ring her, she barely says a word then makes an excuse that she can’t talk and has to go and do something.

The family members who said they would keep in contact haven’t contacted me in weeks, over a month for most of them.
It hurts to not feel wanted by your own blood family.

I feel that life is really testing me at the moment. I don’t know what for, but i hope that if i make it through these tests, that there is something good for my family and i at the other end of this. I don’t know how much longer i can continue on like this though, some days i really wish i could just disappear, just vanish into thin air, to just cease existing.

I know it is selfish of me though to think like that. I am told i should think towards the future more, stop moping around and such.

I personally don’t feel i am moping around, but i do feel that i am numb a lot of the time. It’s not sadness as such, i don’t sleep all day or cry uncontrollably, i just find it hard to think straight and function properly at times.

I plan so much in my head. Little things i could do to make myself happier, things i can do to feel better, even if it’s just for an hour or so. Things i would love to do.
But those things seldom become reality. They only seem to stay as thoughts and dreams inside my head.

I just wish there was a word to describe how i am feeling as it is sort of a mash of what i have just said, yet it isn’t any of those things… It is so hard to try and accurately explain.
If i can’t describe or explain it to myself, what hope do i have of telling someone else?