The Bucket List

I am sure just about everyone has heard of the term “Bucket List”- that list you write sometime in your life that you hope to tick all the items off before you die…

Over the years and during various stages of my life, i have half-heartedly written bucket lists. Most of the things i have written have been far fetched or beyond my wildest dreams.

Over the past few days though i have been seriously thinking about what i want to do before i die.
I don’t know if these cysts are cancerous or not.
Either way though- i think it is time i should make some type of realistic list of things i want to do… alone… with my friends… my children… my husband… my family.

I was talking to my hubby today about what i might include in the list. Some things will be easy to get done, other things however will need more time and money to help them become a reality; a few things i’m not sure are even possible- they seem too far fetched.

I just don’t want my life to end not having lived it as fully as i hoped it could have turned out.

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Fast forward 12 months…

and you arrive at today.

It was about a year ago that my Nan was first diagnosed with the breast cancer.

It was about a year ago that my life changed more than i thought it ever would.

I feel so alone, even though i know i have a few friends and family that do care.

Others not so much, but a few do.

I have very strong feelings that the next 3 months are going to be very hard as it was this time of year- last year, that i spent so much time with Nan. Helping her in every way that i could. Even if it was just sitting with her by her hospital bed, or on the lounge next to her when i was looking after her.

I will never forget the little chats we had, the things she told to me that i will take to the grave- just as she took them to hers.

I thought the grief would lessen and life would be easier to live as time went on. But it seems that it isn’t the case.

As i type this, tears are running down my cheeks, i cannot stop them, nor do i think i want to stop them.
They are tears showing how much i miss my Nan, how much i loved her, how much i still love her. How i wish i could have her back with me.

Sometimes life really sucks. I can’t help but wonder what i have done so bad to deserve these obstacles in my life.

I just want to be free.
I just want to feel loved.
I just want to know who i am.

I feel that i have lost all meaning of life.

I am scared.

Daily Prompt: Taper

I hoped and prayed that the vicious nature of her once beautiful soul would taper off and reveal the person she once was.

I hold a glimmer of hope that there is still a flickering light of love somewhere in the depths of her soul.
A glimmer of hope that she will one day realise that her current ways are detrimental to not only her own health and well being but to others too.

It scares me to think what she could possibly do if she was to ever go through with her threats. That is what scares me the most.

My once courageous feelings of knowing that i WAS capable of almost anything have, over the years, tapered right off as her behaviour worsened.
I know parenting is a never-ending series of lessons about life, but this is getting a bit much at times.

I hope that one day, all this negative energy and outrage will taper off so much so that is is a far off memory that we can all put behind us.

 

via Daily Prompt: Taper

Twists and Turns

This evening i received a phone call from my Mum.

She was quite flustered, she asked me where her paperwork for her pre-paid funeral was.
I honestly do not have a clue as she went to do that with her Mum and brother some time last year.
All i could suggest was that she look in my late grandparent’s bedroom in the chest of drawers or cupboard as that is where i was told most of the important paperwork was kept. The only other things i can think of would be that she put it in a safe place in her bedroom or that her brother picked up her paperwork when he gathered his Mum’s paperwork to organise the funeral last year.

There was also a bit of general small talk between us, but on a number of occasions she kept saying how she has changed so much over the past 9 months and that i don’t know the real her and probably will never know the real her now.
Somehow, we ended up speaking for about 20minutes. If i had’ve known the phone call would have left me feeling so deflated and my anxiety levels rising at an ever increasing rate, i would have said i was unable to help and made the call as brief as possible, but i guess there was that little girl inside of me who was hoping to have a nice civil chat with her Mum which is why i stayed on the phone, mostly listening to everything she had to say to me (and in many cases, about me).

I am trying to get over the threats and other negative comments and gossip that her side of the family have been spreading about me over the past 10 months or so. I am trying to get on with my life, but it feels like when i am just about on top of everything and moving forwards with my life, something happens and she appears again and relays information or gossip that i really didn’t need to hear.
It is such a kick in the guts. It makes me feel so bad about myself again.

Just when things start looking bright for me, someone looms over like a dark threatening stormcloud; looking to ruin what would have been an otherwise beautiful day.

I just want to get on with my life. A couple of cruel individuals thought it would be a great joke to spread lies about me, to threaten me and my family, to make me feel unsafe when out in public and to turn all those who i had loved and called my family for all my life against me.
I can’t fathom why they would continue to do such a thing. They have taken so much from me, yet it feels like they seem to think it still isn’t enough.

When will the torment stop?
I can only hope i will continue to fight off the voices in my head and wake up every morning and try my hardest to find someone or something to live for.

How knowledge changes things.

Last night i decided to do a little bit of random googling…
I ended up googling my grandmother’s name and found out that her assets have been sorted out and divided up and given out to those stated in her will.

All my life both my grandparents said they would look after me every way they could.
When i became an adult, my Nan told me i would be fine once she was no longer with us. She said i wouldn’t have to worry too much.
Last night i found out the will had been changed the day after her 80th birthday.
Now some of the things she was telling me when i was caring for her is starting to make sense. I am thinking she may have been forced to change her will. There are 2 family members who would not have been happy with the original will she had written and they would have pressured her into changing it. They were always like that and they still are.
The two of them always backed each other up, but it was only one of them who seemed to do all the deciding and choosing what would happen and when.¬†She warned me about a particular family member… to be careful of that person once she was gone.
I think this is what she was meaning.

I hope those who were in her will can live their lives with a bit less financial hardship. I know there are a couple of people who will be much better off now, as long as they look after the money and spend it wisely.
There is one in particular who doesn’t need any of it but i am sure they will waste it on holidays and other material possessions. Hopefully they will divide it up among their children or grandchildren? Maybe help them out by putting it towards education or a family home?

I’m not bitter. Slightly upset that she let someone else tell her how to live her life and what to do, but not bitter.

It’s not worth it. Those people aren’t worth it.

 

When you just can’t find the words…

I think the reality of Nan’s passing is starting to really sink in now.

I still reach out for a paper or some groceries to buy for her when i am out, then i have to stop and remind myself that it is no longer needed as she is no longer here.

I still think about picking up my phone to ring her and tell her about something that made me happy or proud but then realise she can’t be reached that way.

I am still quite numb, still very sad, although i don’t know if sad is the right word… I am relieved that she is now out of pain, but i guess it is still raw at times. There are so many “If only” situations. It is too late now. I can’t get her back.
I want to blame those relatives who have turned my entire family against me.
Almost 8 weeks have past and i now feel more lonely than what i have in years… I can’t ever remember feeling this lonely, this empty, this vulnerable.

My Mum does not contact me and if i ring her, she barely says a word then makes an excuse that she can’t talk and has to go and do something.

The family members who said they would keep in contact haven’t contacted me in weeks, over a month for most of them.
It hurts to not feel wanted by your own blood family.

I feel that life is really testing me at the moment. I don’t know what for, but i hope that if i make it through these tests, that there is something good for my family and i at the other end of this. I don’t know how much longer i can continue on like this though, some days i really wish i could just disappear, just vanish into thin air, to just cease existing.

I know it is selfish of me though to think like that. I am told i should think towards the future more, stop moping around and such.

I personally don’t feel i am moping around, but i do feel that i am numb a lot of the time. It’s not sadness as such, i don’t sleep all day or cry uncontrollably, i just find it hard to think straight and function properly at times.

I plan so much in my head. Little things i could do to make myself happier, things i can do to feel better, even if it’s just for an hour or so. Things i would love to do.
But those things seldom become reality. They only seem to stay as thoughts and dreams inside my head.

I just wish there was a word to describe how i am feeling as it is sort of a mash of what i have just said, yet it isn’t any of those things… It is so hard to try and accurately explain.
If i can’t describe or explain it to myself, what hope do i have of telling someone else?

The unwanted one.

For most of my life i have felt like i have been unwanted.

My Mum would constantly remind me that i was not wanted, that i was a mistake and should have never happened.
Throughout my childhood i was often bullied for who i was and i was shunted around many “groups of friends” at school.
I often ended up sitting in corridors alone during recess and lunch or spending all my time in the school library. I felt safer on my own than i did around so called friends.
(Sometimes i still feel that is the case now.)

Yesterday i spoke to my Mum on the phone and she was telling me how she is having to rely on her siblings or nephews to help her do a few things around the house.
I reminded her that she DOES have a Daughter, Son-in-law and grandchildren who can help her.
Her response? “I know but…”
Three little words. They don’t really mean much as those 3 little individual words, but when said how she did, it was very degrading. Like she is still pushing me out of her life. I told her that if she doesn’t want to see us or if she doesn’t want anymore contact, to just say so. The rest of the family have kicked me out of their lives but at least i know where i stand with them. It is sad that they believes lies that were spread about me, but everyone has a right to have their own opinions and believe whatever they wish.
I just want to know where i stand with my Mum.

Last night my husband went to bed upset with me.
He noticed that my ex-boyfriend who also happens to be a family friend had sent me an email (simply asking how i had been coping since my Nan passed away) and he wasn’t happy about that.
Maybe i am completely stupid, naive, call it what you will, but if my hubby wanted to occasionally talk to one of his exes, i wouldn’t have a problem with it. I trust that at the end of the day, it is ME that he wants to spend his life with and be with. I don’t have feelings for anyone other than my husband. He is the only person i can ever imagine being intimate with now.
I don’t see any problem with having friends of any orientation or gender- they are simply people who i get along with.
Friends are just that. Friends. People who you have a common interest with. People who you can comfortable talk to and mingle with.

I just hate feeling unwanted all the time.

I want to feel wanted.

I don’t want the worst of my childhood continuing to haunt me throughout my adult life.
I try my hardest to move forwards and find positive things… but it seems that once the positive things start to happen, then something horrible happens again and i am back to square one. Often i am back feeling lower and worse than i did the previous time i felt like absolute shit.

I just want all this negativity to end. Well, the worst of it anyway. I know you can’t have good without bad, but surely the bad parts don’t have to be so much stronger and affect me so much more than what any positive moments do.

It is like i am taking 3 steps forward but 7 steps back…

I was just about on top of my depression and anxiety, now it is like it is no longer creeping back, but about to completely ambush me all at once. But i just don’t know when it will happen.

That is what makes me scared… not knowing when it is going to hit.

Today I’m sad.

Today i am sad.

I think i was meant to grieve today. I have cried a little, i have felt numb a lot.
I am very unmotivated today. I know there is so much that i could be doing, but i just don’t feel like doing anything at all.

I have had lot of butterflies flutter around me today when i was outside for a short while. I felt that it was Nan visiting me.
I had to go out this morning and as i was driving home, a line from a song on the radio was “…send me a message from above….” and at that instant, a butterfly appeared from nowhere and flew over the top of my car.
If that wasn’t a sign that she’s watching over me, i don’t know what is. I have had other butterfly encounters this week. I believe it is Nan letting me know that she is happy.

I miss Nan so very much- more than i can currently express. I keep thinking of things i want to say to her, then i remember she is no longer alive and it is like a little part of me dies a little bit more.

There are times when i wish i could rewind time itself just so i can have a little bit more time with her.
I never got to say goodbye properly and that is what upsets me the most.

Funeral Day

The funeral was today.

We said our Good Byes to Nan.
She is finally at peace, free forever more.

I was surprisingly calm today. I did not cry. I wanted to be strong, and i was, but i did think i would have cried.
But i didn’t.

The Uncle and Aunt who have been nasty towards my family and i did not talk to us at all today.
One asked me to go and view Nan’s body but i said No. I know Nan did NOT want an open casket/viewing so i respected her wishes.

I don’t know if it has completely sunk in… or if it is going to hit me like a freight train in the future sometime… i guess time will tell and only then will i know what i am feeling.