Losing sight of who i am.

Over the past few weeks i have realised that i am once again, losing sight of who i am.
It was really only last night that i realised this though.

I am not happy in my current job so thought i would look for a job i feel i am more suited to. I was able to find something i would like to do, but then when i thought about it more, i realised i am not able to apply for it.

I have a child who is doing really well in her chosen sport. So much so that she was chosen for the state training squad this year. I am very proud of her, but it made me pause before clicking on the “apply now” button on the job vacancy last night.

Even if i was to secure the job, i doubt i’d be able to take it. I don’t think the new employer would be happy if i was to tell them i had to leave 2-3 hours early each day and then on top of that, i wasn’t able to work weekends at all due to my husband and children’s sporting commitments (AKA: me needing to drive the children to their games throughout the entire day).

It made me wonder what i have become.
I have a job (which i should be thankful for as it was offered to me- i didn’t need to go job hunting), but some of the staff at my workplace take me for granted and we are forced to sacrifice half our lunch break at times so we can get back to work before our lunch break is officially finished.
I feel that i am on Earth now to just drive my children around where ever they need to be, to be able to drop what i am doing and do what my children tell me to.

A while ago i put in a submission to be a beta tester for a new mental health art kit. The artist told me she really wanted me to be a part of it and was looking forward to seeing and hearing about what i thought of the kit. I feel as though i was forgotten about and she has since started selling the kits (which means the beta testing must have already taken place). I am still quite hurt to think that she didn’t even contact me to say sorry, but we had an overwhelming response and you unfortunately didn’t make the final cut. I would have been happy with that, but i got nothing. I am more than patient so a small part of me is still hoping that a kit will arrive for my testing and opinion. Each day that passes though, makes me feel that i wasn’t good enough even though she personally told me she was looking forward to me testing it out for her.

I have been knitting a fair bit lately, i have made items for my family, gifts for friends as well as making some items to sell. I even made a page on a social media site and although i have managed to get a number of friends and random people like my page, no one has yet shown any interest in buying any of my items. I only made the page as i had a lot of people tell me how wonderful my handmade items were and how they would love to see them for sale. Now that the items ARE for sale, no one is showing any interest at all.
I won’t give up hope though, I plan to make more items and list those for sale as well. I can’t help but wonder if the way i photographed the items was what put prospective buyers off buying my goods? Maybe i just need to shoot the items differently?

I am sure i have a calling and that my skills will be useful somewhere; i just haven’t figured out what my calling is as yet.
I would love to work for myself as it would be easiest for me with the Doctor and specialist appointments i have had crop up in recent weeks and which will continue into the foreseeable future.
My current work is only casual so i tell my boss well in advance when i am unavailable, but she has recently started to get snappy when people tell her they are unavailable to work.

I feel as though i am disappearing, as though i am fading into nothingness. People will soon forget about me and not want to know me, even if i am standing in front of them.

I don’t want to be in the spotlight but i don’t want to be brushed aside and left for dead either.
That’s what i feel is currently happening to me.

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Daily Prompt: Taper

I hoped and prayed that the vicious nature of her once beautiful soul would taper off and reveal the person she once was.

I hold a glimmer of hope that there is still a flickering light of love somewhere in the depths of her soul.
A glimmer of hope that she will one day realise that her current ways are detrimental to not only her own health and well being but to others too.

It scares me to think what she could possibly do if she was to ever go through with her threats. That is what scares me the most.

My once courageous feelings of knowing that i WAS capable of almost anything have, over the years, tapered right off as her behaviour worsened.
I know parenting is a never-ending series of lessons about life, but this is getting a bit much at times.

I hope that one day, all this negative energy and outrage will taper off so much so that is is a far off memory that we can all put behind us.

 

via Daily Prompt: Taper

Silent Fear

Life goes on. We all know this, but some days it feels as right now could very possibly be the last moments of your life.

Things get unbearable, negative thoughts rule over anything else which would otherwise make you take a few deep breaths and know things will be okay.

It is hard to breathe, it is hard to think straight. It is hard to believe anything people tell you. You find it even harder to explain to others how you are feeling and it is impossible to tell others that you need help. Right. Now.

It seems that everyone else has their shit together. Everyone else has their life in order.
Except you.
No one’s life is more fucked up than yours at this very moment.

Well, that’s what the voices in MY head tell me on an almost daily basis.

I hate it. I wish i could be happy and feel confident.

But it seems something is always holding me back.

The voice is always telling me i am never good enough. Or that i am too fat. Too ugly. Will never have the abilities to do what i dream of doing.

I want to prove those voices wrong.
But the voices are usually too strong and i constantly put myself down.

No Control

Shaking.
Uncontrollable urges that don’t allow me to stand still.
I shake when i don’t want to.
Because of people who can’t control their anger.

I cry.
Tears of fear roll down my cheeks.
Those who made me cry show no remorse.
Heartless creatures with no soul whatsoever.

Anxiety grows.
I can’t function as i used to.
I constantly watch over my shoulder.
I fear the animal who has no intention of stopping the torment.

Depression sets in.
The threats, the anger, the heartlessness.
It’s all too much to handle, my body can’t take it.
My mind starts to thin violent thoughts of self-harm.

Death seems safer.
It seems like a better option than living.
It makes me feel like it’s the option to take the pain away.
There seems to be no other way t make things better.

I plead.
I plead for help.
I scream out for help but i have no voice.
No one can see my pain or hear me reaching out for the help i need.

It’s gone full circle.
My body trembles and shakes.
I am back to where i started, I’m shaking.
Those uncontrollable urges are back and i can’t stand still…

Overthinking

I was just briefly chatting to a friend on a social media site and she mentioned how crazy it is that we often bump into each other online at some crazy hour of the night/morning… like now.

I do agree with her. Why do we often find it so hard to relax our minds and bodies of an evening, why is it so hard to get ready for a restful night’s sleep? Why does it seem hard to allow our bodies the time it needs to recharge and get ready for the following day?

I jokingly said to her i believe that i am most creative at this hour, she thought a similar thing adding that we must also stay awake due to the snoring coming from the rest of the household sleeping.

And yes, I am typing this while i sit on the bed, my husband laying down next to me, snoring- quite loudly at times… and also passing wind much louder and more projected than what he seems capable of when he is awake.

That’s not the only reason why i am awake though, i feel the biggest cause of my insomnia is due to so many things going through my mind. Some of the things i can pinpoint but most of them i can’t. I am sure it’s something in my subconscious mind that i must try to block out most of the time, but once i relax enough and start to feel creative… that’s when those locked away thoughts come flooding back to the forefront of my mind and interrupt my train of thought, stall my ability to get tired enough to fall asleep or influence my mind so much that i trigger myself and end up having an anxiety attack.
It really is not a good feeling, not being able to  control my own thoughts. It often makes me feel child-like again, child-like in a bad way. It makes me feel useless and unwanted plus that main thing i have noticed is that these bad thoughts seem to be magnetic- they attract other people to take out their frustrations on me. Other people seem to put me down or blame me for things i have no control over when i am feeling bad about myself.

I need to learn how to live in the moment more. I need to learn to stop over thinking.

But how does one NOT overthink?

Blergh

Do you ever have days where you want to do so much, but when it comes to the crunch, you get absolutely stuff all done!?

That’s me now.

I WANT to get shit done, but when i try to start anything, something seems to happen that makes my plans go out the window.

Then i just tend to give up. Not only on the task i was trying to get done… but on everything.

Then i eat junk food- usually consisting of a family/share pack of chips and/or a family sized block of chocolate or bag of lollies. Then i feel REALLY guilty.

My mind just does not want to work, my body feels “blergh” and my outlook on life isn’t something i am proud of.

I wish i had a way to turn these feelings around.

The road’s getting bumpy.

I think the grief is starting to kick in now.

Today has not been a great day for me. I woke up with a list of things in my head that i wanted to get done but so far i haven’t done a single thing and i feel so bad because of it.

I just want to jump in my car and drive away. I don’t know where, all i know is that i don’t want to be here right at this very moment. It’s nothing about the people here. I love my family. I just want to be alone.

I just want to sit somewhere nice and reflect. Reflect on life. Reflect on what i have done.
Consider what i want to do from here. Do i have any goals that i would like to achieve? I know i have my “big dream”- the one where i run my own business in a country town, but i think i need to make some smaller, more realistic goals for now. I feel that my life is turning into a constant disappointment. It is like i can’t keep anyone happy. At times i feel as though i have been put on this Earth to upset everyone that i meet. I know that is NOT the case, but only being able to vividly remember the things which had the biggest negative impacts on my life means it is hard for me to accept anything positive that happens to me.

I want to turn it around. I want to fill my life with positive experiences. I want to be happy.
I am sure i deserve to be happy- heck, EVERYONE deserves happiness, so why shouldn’t i get some happiness too?

Fluid Rocks

It sounds like it can’t be true, but that is how i would explain how i am feeling at the moment.

I feel like a rock as i have to be strong at the moment, i am trying my hardest to stay strong and not fall apart while constantly pulling myself together so i don’t fall apart in front of my children…
YET…
Fluid as i feel like i am falling apart, like i can’t contain myself. Like i can’t keep myself in one piece.
Like water in a broken glass, you can fill it up, but it will leak, water will spill out uncontrolled. I can’t seem to keep my feelings to myself. I know it is good to express oneself, but when all i can think of at the moment is negative emotions and feelings, i feel it is is a bad thing.

I have made contact with my psychologist again, for the first time this year and it was good to be able to talk freely without any judgement.
We have agreed to meet on a regular basis now with me being able to have impromptu sessions between our scheduled sessions if i feel i need them.

I scare myself knowing that i still have so much hatred within me. I am having flashbacks of moments in time from my childhood. Moments that i must have blocked out of my memory… until now.
Now they are coming back to haunt me. Coming back to taunt me and make me constantly question myself and everything i do.

I have allowed myself to empathise with those who have hurt me in recent weeks. I can understand why they are acting how they are. They are scared, they are hurting, unable to express how they are feeling for fear of not being taken seriously bu those who look up to them. I am sure that is why they are gossiping and spreading rumours about me and my family. Why they have turned my whole family against me. Every. Blood. Relative.

I have come to terms with my Nan being at the end of her life. I find it comforting knowing that she was able to see everyone she wanted to see and that she was able to do everything that she wanted to get done. Well, that’s what she told me, anyway.
I feel so very lucky to have been able to step into the role as her carer. I was an extension of her body. Doing things for her that she wasn’t able to do for herself.

I just want to feel at peace with myself but i don’t know where to start. I don’t know where to turn.

Time to vent…

As this is my “safe space” to express my feelings and thoughts, here i am saying that life is not fucking fair at times.

For the past week my life has been crazy. I found out my grandma (who raised me) has been keeping health issues to herself for a number of months.
It looks like she may have breast cancer, the same cancer that took her own Mum’s life. It is scary as i can’t help but wonder if this is genetic.

On top of my Grandma’s troubles, my Mum also dropped a bombshell on us saying she has also been experiencing some symptoms of Breast Cancer. My Mum, however, is stubborn. She will not get checked out. No matter what i say, or any of the family, she knows best and is completely against going to talk to her GP about these issues she is now facing.

I want to drag her to the doctor and tell them what she has told us and get them to do tests and what not, but i know that’s NOT how the system works. As stubborn as my Mum may be, she still has basic human rights, she has the right to not get any help if that is her choice.

I have spent quite a bit of the past week with my Grandma, helping her, giving her the painkillers prescribed to her as needed, making sure she is eating- even if it is only a few spoonfuls at a time, doing housework, gardening and whatever else i can do to help her.
But doing all this also makes me feel guilty as i feel i am ignoring my own family. I DO care about them, but i feel a need to put my Grandma as my #1 priority at the moment. I don’t know how much longer i will have her around for… it could be a matter of days, weeks or months… or she may still be here in another 10 or 15 years time. Who knows.

She had biopsies done the other day and she gets the results of those next week. She is assuming it will be breast cancer (at least), but we don’t know for sure.

I’m just all over the place at the moment.

A part of me just wants to pack a bag of clothes and go for a road trip with no itinerary… just with good music turned up loud and the highway in front of me… driving to nowhere in particular. ┬áBut i know that doing that isn’t going to help my family nor myself. It might be good for me to do that eventually, but now is not the time as my Grandma needs me right now (as well as the rest of my family). Running away isn’t going to make things better for anyone.

I have to be strong when i’m around others. I cry a lot when i am alone. I guess it is how i cope. It may not be the best coping method, but it’s what i do. It’s definitely cheaper than shopping… i don’t know why i spend money when i am upset but i do. Spending does not make me happy, if anything it makes me feel bad as i am trying hard to save money at the moment to put towards a few things i am saving up for.
I guess i also try to cope with all this by making jokes. If you can’t laugh at something that is hurting you, then it will eat you up. That’s not something that i want to happen.

When life throws you in the gutter, you’ve either got to get comfortable down there or get up and brush yourself off and try to continue on from where you left off.

Tomorrow i will spend another day with my Grandma.
And i will do some baking. Maybe it will entice her to eat something?

When the pain gets too much.

too strong too long

A post of few words.
The above image says it all.

I have had tears welling up in my eyes for the smallest little reasons lately.
I do honestly think it is because i am trying to be strong… stronger than i probably need to be.

I have been trying to shrug off physical and emotional pain and pretend none of it existed and that i was “fine”.
Well, i’m not fine and i feel i need some time and space to really find myself again.

I just don’t know how to go about it…