Life gets trickier as you get older.

The older i get, the less i am enjoying life.

It has even got to the point where some days i really truly wished i didn’t exist.
It is like no matter what i do or say… or DON’T do or say, is never good enough for anybody.

I have a low enough self esteem as it is and am trying to deal with everything else going on in my life- most of which i don’t really understand to start with.
Having to feel unwanted and such an inconvenience to the world almost every day is really upsetting, but i hate showing that i am upset so i try to mask it which can be overwhelmingly exhausting at times.

Why can’t people just respect others and realise that we are all unique, we are all different, we all have own struggles and daily battles. What one person finds easy and no trouble- may be next to impossible for someone else and cause them so much stress and anxiety that they may just take their own life because of how it makes them feel?

Before you say or do something… just think for a second and ask yourself if it will have a negative impact on someone around you.

Don’t be the reason someone takes their life today.

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Exhausted.

Today i saw my psychologist and we had a good chat about my recent health issues, family, friends, life in general, work and a few dark shadows of my past kept rising to the surface during our chat.

We spoke of life, death, caring for loved ones, suicidal thoughts, past interests & hobbies… many were things that i have not openly spoken about in quite a long while.
In a way it felt good to talk about things again… but it was an emotional roller coaster.

I didn’t realise that my teen years still played such a huge part in my life.

She picked up on it long before i did during our chat. I am glad she did. She knows that my mind may put ideas and thoughts into my head but i am smart enough to not let those bad thoughts take over my life and completely rule what i do.
That is something i am very thankful of, as if i played out some of the things that go on in my mind… i would either be in all sorts of trouble….. or dead.

Tonight i am completely and utterly exhausted. More than i have been in a long while.

I’m not sure if the exhaustion is due to old memories that resurfaced today, or if it was because this was the first time i had worked in about 6 weeks, or because i have just been so busy today- i have been on the go for close to 17 hours almost non-stop.

Now, it is time for bed and sleep.

I hope to get a good sleep. I don’t have to worry about an alarm tomorrow as i don’t have to work.

Good night everybody.

 

Low, lower, lowest

That’s pretty much how my self esteem has gone today.

I feel like no matter what or how much i do or don’t do, it will never be good enough for those around me.

There is always at least one person who has something negative to say, and usually one or two more to confirm their negativity, making the comment maker feel good about being rude towards others.

It really gets to me. It takes me back to the many years of bullying i had to put up with throughout my childhood, teens and into my early adult years.
Those words never leave you, and each time you hear them again- they usually end up with the victim having flashbacks of their troubled past.

I just wish it would stop.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

The true meaning of “I’m good, and you?”

That feeling when you’re on the phone to a friend and they ask how you are and you reply with “Doing as well as i can i guess” when you really just want to say:
“I feel like absolute shit. I feel like the world would be so much better off without me. No matter what i do, it’s never good enough. Regardless of if i do nothing or a lot, it’ll still never be good enough. I feel like i am an enormous burden on everybody. I just wish i knew what the fuck was wrong with me. Like, i sort of have a clue, but it doesn’t answer ALL my questions. I just want to feel healthy, to feel well and not be in pain and to not feel so drained and lacking energy every day. My kids rarely listen to me or do as i ask them to, other people seem to enjoy telling the kids to do the opposite to what i ask of them. It is just so mentally and physically draining. I just want to run away from life for a while. I have lost who i am. I don’t know who i am anymore.
I often wish i didn’t exist. It would make things so much easier for not only me, but everybody else in my life as they could get on with their shit without me holding them back.”

 

The Mirror

Sometimes we need a mirror to really see what we have transformed into, to see how far we have come over a matter of days, weeks, months or even years.

Yesterday a cashier i often see complimented me on how much weight i have lost and how well she feels i am doing on my weight loss journey.
The truth is though that as much as i have been thinking about trying to lose weight, i haven’t actually been actively trying lately. I have noticed that my belt is now easily doing up one hole smaller than usual so i guess that’s a good sign to show my body is changing shape, but the scales can’t be trusted as i have actually put on a bit of weight since i last weighed myself.

The jeans i am wearing today used to be a snug fit, they are now slightly baggy. Some of my tops are now looser than they used to be too.

Until yesterday though i hadn’t noticed anything myself. I hadn’t noticed the size of my waist shrinking, or how my jeans seemed to be getting looser.

It took someone else to point it out to me and i had to trust that they were telling the truth. I thought about what they had said for quite a while and realised that yes, they were correct- i must be losing some weight or something as my clothes are not fitting differently.

It is easy to constantly look at yourself in a way that would have you keep thinking bad thoughts about yourself. It is easy to believe that you are still very much overweight and are hopeless and unable to do many of the things that you wish you could. It is so easy to do as it is probably something you’ve been telling yourself- or worse still, what others have been telling you up until now.

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you have to shed those bad thoughts and step into a mindset of only absorbing goodness, of only taking in positive thoughts, positive words and positive people into your life.

The sooner you get rid of all things toxic from your life, the sooner you will give yourself the chance to change for the better.

Imagine you are looking into a mirror and seeing the true you, the new, healthier you. It can happen, it’s not just a fairy tale.
You just have to believe in yourself and those you have your best interests at heart.

The Bucket List

I am sure just about everyone has heard of the term “Bucket List”- that list you write sometime in your life that you hope to tick all the items off before you die…

Over the years and during various stages of my life, i have half-heartedly written bucket lists. Most of the things i have written have been far fetched or beyond my wildest dreams.

Over the past few days though i have been seriously thinking about what i want to do before i die.
I don’t know if these cysts are cancerous or not.
Either way though- i think it is time i should make some type of realistic list of things i want to do… alone… with my friends… my children… my husband… my family.

I was talking to my hubby today about what i might include in the list. Some things will be easy to get done, other things however will need more time and money to help them become a reality; a few things i’m not sure are even possible- they seem too far fetched.

I just don’t want my life to end not having lived it as fully as i hoped it could have turned out.

Facing the unknown.

Last week i ended up in the emergency department of the local hospital with severe pain, it turns out that i have 2 large cysts on an ovary, the smaller one had haemorrhage. I was given pain relief and antibiotics and sent home with  check up to follow.

Today i went back for the check up after not being able to stop thinking about all the “what if’s”. I came to the conclusion that if there was something wrong, i would rather have the cysts and the affected ovary removed if it was safe to do so.
I have a history of “women’s cancers” in my family so i don’t want to risk being another statistic.Also, I won’t be having any more children.

The head Dr had heard about my case and had been looking into it. By what i was told, i am led to believe that the cysts may have a chance of becoming cancer.
This news in itself did not concern me as i believe the hospital will do the best they can do to keep me well.
What it does do however is slightly scare me. Not knowing at this moment exactly what is happening with my body, not knowing if this issue is easily enough treatable or if it will shorten my life, and by how much.

The not knowing is scarier than what i do know.

I want to go into battle with my shoulders back, head held high, ready to face whatever comes my way.

It’s just that at this very moment…..

I am scared.

When psychological becomes physical.

For years now, i have almost constantly had issues with my emotional and psychological health… at times i would end up with physical pains and illnesses too, but i didn’t always allow myself to believe that the two can be one and the same, that my mental health can affect my physical health.

Over the past year or so i have tried to educate myself, tried to make myself realise that when i am mentally stressed or ill, that some of my physical ailments may be directly connected too.

Last night though- a pain in my right side/groin reminded me of that.
This morning i woke up and it was worse than last night. I know that it is NOT my appendix as i had that removed 10 years ago.

I am hoping it is nothing bad… just a side effect of being stressed more than usual lately.

No Control

Shaking.
Uncontrollable urges that don’t allow me to stand still.
I shake when i don’t want to.
Because of people who can’t control their anger.

I cry.
Tears of fear roll down my cheeks.
Those who made me cry show no remorse.
Heartless creatures with no soul whatsoever.

Anxiety grows.
I can’t function as i used to.
I constantly watch over my shoulder.
I fear the animal who has no intention of stopping the torment.

Depression sets in.
The threats, the anger, the heartlessness.
It’s all too much to handle, my body can’t take it.
My mind starts to thin violent thoughts of self-harm.

Death seems safer.
It seems like a better option than living.
It makes me feel like it’s the option to take the pain away.
There seems to be no other way t make things better.

I plead.
I plead for help.
I scream out for help but i have no voice.
No one can see my pain or hear me reaching out for the help i need.

It’s gone full circle.
My body trembles and shakes.
I am back to where i started, I’m shaking.
Those uncontrollable urges are back and i can’t stand still…

Change can be scary

The past couple of weeks have been crazy and somewhat scary.

Things haven’t changed too much in what i have been used to doing, but the reasons i am doing what i am have changed.

2 weeks ago i began a paid Casual job. This is the first paid job i have had since 2002.
It isn’t too different to what i have been doing as a volunteer for the past two years, there are a few extra tasks involved, but nothing too scary.
Now i get to handle money more, take EFTPOS payments, be more involved in allergy alert and Gluten Free food orders.

I guess the scary thing is more those tasks which have to be learnt and remembered and then be able to be done automatically without much thought going into them. Things such as delivering staff lunches to the correct staff rooms.
There are close to 10 staff rooms and knowing which lunches have to be delivered to each room is daunting to someone who isn’t aware of the workplace layout/staffroom locations. It got so bad today when i was asked to deliver the lunches on my own that i actually had an anxiety attack. I felt so ashamed. I felt inadequate. I wished the world would just open up and make me disappear. But it didn’t. What did happen? I let it get to me and let it upset me. I tried not to, but i cried. I couldn’t keep the tears away. This made me feel even worse.
Thankfully my boss is understanding and pulled me aside for a quiet chat. I told her of my worries and she said i should not have been told to take the lunches on my own this early in, how i should have had at least a week or two experience, shadowing another staff member and getting used to what i should deliver and where.

On top of that, it didn’t help that i had so much more going on in my mind.
Stress, money issues, random negative thoughts… It all snowballed and made things seem so much worse than what they were.

I have also been sick for the past month or so. It turns out i have tonsillitis. Thankfully i was recently able to see my regular doctor who gave me stronger medicine and did some tests which i am hoping will let us know what exactly is wrong with me and if it is something bad, or if my body is just run down and weak at the moment and not able to fight off simple viruses and infections.

I just feel like going for a day trip… getting back to nature. My body and soul is craving that. Going somewhere to just watch the water, watch the wind blow the leaves about in a forest, to water water ripple and ants marching in a line.
I just need time to recharge again.

I feel that my batteries are depleted. They are completely flat and no matter what i do, it just isn’t enough to give it my all each day. I am not running at the best of my ability. I am struggling.

There you go, i said it. I’m struggling. I am finding it hard to cope. Hard to cope with work. Hard to cope with life. Hard to cope with the thoughts racing through my mind- most of those thoughts which are by no means helpful to me or those who i influence.

If you are reading this and realise you or someone you know is in a similar position. Please, please stop and take some time for yourself. Take time to regenerate your soul. If you are unable to to work to the best of your ability, to be the best you know you can be, it WILL come through in your work, in your art, it will show through in your actions, your words and those who know you, will wonder what is wrong.
Do not be too proud to admit you need time out, to admit you need time to recharge.

You are worth it.