Fast forward 12 months…

and you arrive at today.

It was about a year ago that my Nan was first diagnosed with the breast cancer.

It was about a year ago that my life changed more than i thought it ever would.

I feel so alone, even though i know i have a few friends and family that do care.

Others not so much, but a few do.

I have very strong feelings that the next 3 months are going to be very hard as it was this time of year- last year, that i spent so much time with Nan. Helping her in every way that i could. Even if it was just sitting with her by her hospital bed, or on the lounge next to her when i was looking after her.

I will never forget the little chats we had, the things she told to me that i will take to the grave- just as she took them to hers.

I thought the grief would lessen and life would be easier to live as time went on. But it seems that it isn’t the case.

As i type this, tears are running down my cheeks, i cannot stop them, nor do i think i want to stop them.
They are tears showing how much i miss my Nan, how much i loved her, how much i still love her. How i wish i could have her back with me.

Sometimes life really sucks. I can’t help but wonder what i have done so bad to deserve these obstacles in my life.

I just want to be free.
I just want to feel loved.
I just want to know who i am.

I feel that i have lost all meaning of life.

I am scared.


No Control

Uncontrollable urges that don’t allow me to stand still.
I shake when i don’t want to.
Because of people who can’t control their anger.

I cry.
Tears of fear roll down my cheeks.
Those who made me cry show no remorse.
Heartless creatures with no soul whatsoever.

Anxiety grows.
I can’t function as i used to.
I constantly watch over my shoulder.
I fear the animal who has no intention of stopping the torment.

Depression sets in.
The threats, the anger, the heartlessness.
It’s all too much to handle, my body can’t take it.
My mind starts to thin violent thoughts of self-harm.

Death seems safer.
It seems like a better option than living.
It makes me feel like it’s the option to take the pain away.
There seems to be no other way t make things better.

I plead.
I plead for help.
I scream out for help but i have no voice.
No one can see my pain or hear me reaching out for the help i need.

It’s gone full circle.
My body trembles and shakes.
I am back to where i started, I’m shaking.
Those uncontrollable urges are back and i can’t stand still…


I was just briefly chatting to a friend on a social media site and she mentioned how crazy it is that we often bump into each other online at some crazy hour of the night/morning… like now.

I do agree with her. Why do we often find it so hard to relax our minds and bodies of an evening, why is it so hard to get ready for a restful night’s sleep? Why does it seem hard to allow our bodies the time it needs to recharge and get ready for the following day?

I jokingly said to her i believe that i am most creative at this hour, she thought a similar thing adding that we must also stay awake due to the snoring coming from the rest of the household sleeping.

And yes, I am typing this while i sit on the bed, my husband laying down next to me, snoring- quite loudly at times… and also passing wind much louder and more projected than what he seems capable of when he is awake.

That’s not the only reason why i am awake though, i feel the biggest cause of my insomnia is due to so many things going through my mind. Some of the things i can pinpoint but most of them i can’t. I am sure it’s something in my subconscious mind that i must try to block out most of the time, but once i relax enough and start to feel creative… that’s when those locked away thoughts come flooding back to the forefront of my mind and interrupt my train of thought, stall my ability to get tired enough to fall asleep or influence my mind so much that i trigger myself and end up having an anxiety attack.
It really is not a good feeling, not being able to  control my own thoughts. It often makes me feel child-like again, child-like in a bad way. It makes me feel useless and unwanted plus that main thing i have noticed is that these bad thoughts seem to be magnetic- they attract other people to take out their frustrations on me. Other people seem to put me down or blame me for things i have no control over when i am feeling bad about myself.

I need to learn how to live in the moment more. I need to learn to stop over thinking.

But how does one NOT overthink?

More lows than highs

It has been two months since i last wrote.

So much yet so little has happened.

My mind is constantly in overdrive with a million thoughts an hour racing through my mind.
I wish i could get them into this blog, but i have been feeling so shit lately that i can’t be bothered writing as i feel that no one would be interested reading about my thoughts…
I feel that i am not worth it anymore.

It is my fault i feel this way.
Sometimes i make unnecessary comments. I made a comment on a friend’s status recently…at the moment i wrote it, i thought it was funny, a bit tongue in cheek… but today i noticed one of her friends had commented on my comment pointing out grammar mistakes that i had not picked up on.

Having so many thoughts about the harsh words and negative comments my mum used to say to me on a daily basis, this was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I wanted to reply to try and stand up for myself, but i realised the other person (who i did not even know) was most likely right and all those things my Mum used to say to me MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT.

I doubt the person who made that comment will ever know they drove me to have bad thoughts again today… thoughts that i have not had for a number of weeks. But that trigger… it’ll be at the front of my mind for quite some time now as i was raised to concentrate on the bad things i do… not always the good.

I have been trying hard to get myself in a better headspace since Nan passed away, but there always seems to be a trigger which sends me backwards ten-fold.

I truly hope there are NO other humans or animals in this galaxy who get the same thoughts i do as it can be genuinely crippling to what could have been an otherwise positive day.
I am guessing though that in reality, there ARE people travelling a similar road to me, but we each have our own issues and demons we are trying to fight off on a daily basis.

I just want you all to know that you are not alone.
I wish i could take your pain away- you don’t deserve to be unhappy.
I am willing to be unhappy for you all.

Free the love within

Do not hold love within your heart for fear of your heart being broken.

Free the love within.

Do not hold back from telling someone how much they mean to you for fear of the unknown.

Free the love within.

Do not stop loving someone because of ignorance or a lack of understanding.

Free the love within.

Don’t ever stop loving for fear of running out of love as love is never-ending.

Free the love within.

Do reach out to those with a tear running down their cheek, they need love at this moment.

Free the love within.

Do accept love from others with open arms and give love to others just as freely.

Free the love within.

Do be accepting of everyone; we all have pain, joy and sorrow, we all deserve to love and be loved.

Free the love within.

Just as the butterfly flutters away from the sweetly scented flower, you too must learn to…

Free the love within.

Starting to believe…

I think i am finally starting to really believe in myself.

I believe that people DO appreciate me becoming a carer. I am learning to ignore the ignorant comments of those who are still in denial and are only thinking of themselves.

I know i am doing the best i can do from what i know BUT i do have the help of medical professionals, they come to the house and help me with things only they can do.

I look forward to seeing movement of the bed covers when i go to check on her in the middle of the night, it means she is still breathing.

I believe i can allow Nan the freedom to stay home for as long as she desires as i am doing the very best i can to offer her the love and care that she gave to me in my infancy and childhood when she raised me.

I believe that there are friends and family who i can rely on… it may take me a bit more time to feel comfortable leaving Nan in the care of others so i can run errands for her, but i believe i am getting there.
Baby steps.

All we have to do is take one little step at a time and not give up.

Late night thoughts and musings.

Random thoughts in a confused mind cannot always be a good thing… or is that a bad thing?

Having flashbacks of bad things really messes with me, not only me but with my relationships with my loved ones and friends and acquaintences.
Triggers happen without warning and the reactions i have to those triggers can leave me having bad anxiety attacks, or i can start crying or sobbing uncontrolably and sometimes it even causes me to just freeze in terror waiting for it to all be over or to stop.

My youngest child is almost too old to still be in a pram, but he has recently started asking me if he can get a new pram so i can take him for speedy walks (I used to take him for long walks in the pram and when feeling energetic enough- i’d go for short jog legs too), so earlier this week i saw a second hand pram that was very affordable plus it was everything we needed so i bought it.
Today we went for a walk. The smile on his face was worth every cent i paid. I haven’t been well lately so couldn’t do too much jogging due to not having as much energy as i usually have but the couple of short jogs i did manage made im laugh and helped me to see something good cme out of the day.
Don’t get me wrong, i didn’t have a bad day at all, i just find it quite hard to show emotions and express myself outside of my mind. It may sound silly but it’s just who i have unfortunately become.

Every day, almost without fail, INSIDE my mind i will laugh, have lots of good thoughts, dance, sing and celebrate, but i also have periods where i am sick and tired of also having negativity in my life and it is during these times that i think it’d make everything better if i wasn’t around at all.
I don’t know if i mean me not existing, or if it just means me being physically far away from everyone, or even disappearing off the face of the earth. I just don’t know.

I do remember that there used to be a big part of my life when i never felt like this… I can’t help but wonder if it is because back then, when i wasn’t depressed and anxious; if it was because my grandfather was alive ( was his shadow as a child) or because i had pets, a social life, hobbies i could throw myself into without the fear of being judged… I just don’t know.

I know i have been craving having a pet for many years now- over a decade to be precise. I really want to get a shelter dog. I have had pet dogs throughout my childhood, they are so loyal and give endless love, plus they seem to know what you’re feeling and when you need someone by your side. I think i crave the love and loyalty of a pet, deep down i know owning a dog will quite possibly heavily reduce the amount of times i need to visit the Doctors, owning a dog could quite possibly reverse the effects of the bad things that have happened to me in the past, it could help to lessen my anxiety and depression symptoms too. But while i don’t have a pet… i will never know.
One thing i know for sure, is┬áthat owing a dog will be a great reason for me to get regular exercise as it will need walking each day which means that i won’t be able to be so anti-social and keep to myself most of the time.

Where for art thou sleepiness…

I wish i was tired and sleeping like the rest of the household currently is.

I know if i lie down, i’ll probably be asleep within 15 minutes or so, but it’s just getting into the mood to turn the TV off, the light off and get cosy under the covers.
I’m still quite stuffed up in the head with the tail end of this bug i have had for about a month now. Lying flat means i can’t breath properly so i prop myself up with 4 pillows but that just means i end up waking up with a sore neck and back.
It’s a catch 22 situation- i’m simply not going to have a comfortable sleep and wake up refreshed either way.

My tinnitus doesn’t help either, the quieter it is, the louder the ringing/hissing seems to be.
I had a shocker today. I was in a supermarket, got a bit anxious and stressed {*anxiety and stress is a big trigger for my tinnitus} due to the amount of people there all trying to get through the checkouts at once and also due to the fact i had an item scan at a higher price and had to have it rectified. I swear i felt like everyone could hear the noise i could hear- it was so loud that i could honestly hear very little. I am sure the staff member who served me thought there was something seriously wrong with me or thought i must have been stone deaf and forgot to put my hearing aids in. (I do NOT have hearing aids and hope to not need any for quite some time yet.) It was almost to the point where it was so loud that it was physically painful.

I recently read the list of side effects for the Thyroid medication i’m on. I ticked off many of those side effects and cannot help but wonder if that little tablet i take each morning is the cause for many of my current complaints/symptoms.
It is something that i will seriously have to talk to my Dr about next time i see her.

I am sick and tired (in more ways than one) of not getting a proper nights sleep, of constantly feeling like i have something wrong with me that i just can’t put my finger on, of not feeling like the me i used to be.

I could blame the kids- everyone who has kids had a different life before kids, but we adapt… I’ve had 12 1/2 years and 4 kids to adapt my life to share it with them (and hubby of course). That is a lame excuse though as i know the kids are NOT to blame. I would never blame the kids for my health issues (they may cause me some stress but they also give me a lot to be proud of and so much love- even if they don’t always show it themselves).

Well, i’m not sure how many people i have just bored to death with this entry, but i am finally yawning so will take this as a positive sign that i might just be getting tired enough to attempt to fall asleep listening to the deafening hiss of the tinnitus ringing louder than ever in my ears tonight.

Maybe i just need to turn into one of the old school cartoons- get a huge oversized ACME wooden mallet/hammer and hit myself over the head to knock some sense into myself and fall asleep easily?

DONK….. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

300 words

Wanting to write is one thing but when your fingers and brain aren’t working together things can get messy…

This is usually when random thoughts start to appear, being typed out in a semi-conscious manner, most of the time no errors are made, but then again, because you’re only half with it, you really aren’t concentrating on which keys your fingers are tapping.

Imagine if the world was reversed…

imagine if our feet were rooted in the ground, leaving us unable to move, unable to go from one place to another unless a small part of us is blown away in the wind.
Imagine if trees could get up and walk around. What would they do? Where would they go?
Would their roots be a tripping hazard?

Imagine if our dreams became reality…

Those nightmares you had as a child would come alive and search for you… not giving up until they found you.
Those dreams of being chased, of falling, of having creepy crawly insects, bugs and beetles crawling out of your mouth, out of your ears and nostrils, trying to dig and tunnel into your eyeballs.

Imagine if all those things you imagined you saw or did were real after all. Would you be happy or disgusted with yourself? Would you be fleeing for your life, hiding from someone or something?

Imagine if you were able to fulfil your wildest dreams. Would that make you happy? Would it scare you to death? Would you ever want your wildest dreams to come true or are you happy with them just being dreams, something you can think about and act out in your mind knowing those innermost thoughts are safe and won’t ever get out.

What if you could read other peoples minds?
What if they could read your mind?

Dear GPS and camera…

To my dearly loved GPS and Camera,

I am writing this letter to inform you that you have won the game of Hide and Seek that i was unaware of us playing.
I have not been able to find either of you for a few days now. You have won the game, i give up. Please show yourselves so we can can go travelling and make beautiful photos and memories together.

If you do not wish to go out this weekend, that’s fine- i won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do.
I just want to know your whereabouts, to know you’re safe and that you are happy to be in my life once again.

If the two of you have eloped and married, i am very happy for you both. You do a lot together so why not spend the rest of your computerised lives together too.

I just need you both back in my life, you both enrich my life so much and we have been on some great adventures.
I don’t want that to stop- i want our journeys to continue.

Please come home.

Love from me. XO