This is no April Fool

The world is completely fucked up right now. In the past several months we have had such an unimaginable roller coaster ride. We have had drought, bushfires , floods and now this fucking pandemic!

What the fuck is going on!? It’s almost like Mother Nature, or whoever you want to believe in has tried one thing after another to make us humans wake up to ourselves and start looking after the planet… But with each and every disaster, we’ve ignored the signs. Nothing big and “in your face” worked, nothing made the world stop and think about their actions for a moment. Nothing. Now something has though- a teeny tiny microscopic virus has brought pretty much the entire world to a standstill.

It’s almost like we’ve been sent to our rooms to think about what we’ve done wrong, to consider others for once. There are so many people so engrossed in their own lives, trying to be better, richer, prettier, whatever than the next person… In doing that, they’ve forgotten that they’re simply another human like the rest of us.

It does not matter what you look like, how much you have in your bank account, what job you have, what you use to get you around… This virus does not fucking care. Anyone can get sick. Anyone can be a carrier and pass it on to someone else. It does not care who you are.

This is something new for everyone. We have to trust the experts with their findings, with the research they’re doing. If anyone’s going to find an answer, it’s going to be our scientists and health experts. They’re working around the clock to try and figure out what is happening and how they can help us, the human race.

Please listen to the current guidelines and do as they ask us to. Yes, things are changing quite a bit but that’s only because they’re learning more about the virus.

At the moment, much of world seems to be either in lock down or it’s been advised to stay home unless for an essential reason. Our homes are our bubbles, hopefully if we stay within our bubble we will all get through this and be able to tell future generations about the pandemic we lived through.

#StayHome and #JustRollWithIt

Who am I? Who is she?

Well, since my last post a few months ago now, so much yet so little has happened and changed.

My mum had an operation to remove the cancer which meant she lost almost half of one breast, they also removed almost 50 lymph nodes of which about 30% of those were cancerous as well.

Her toxic, abusive brother was taking her to appointments and such but he soon wiped his hands of her when he realised just how much time and devotion you have to put in to and for someone when you tell them that you will do everything for them. He never had it in him. Once he realised there was no gain for him, he stopped helping her.

It had been suggested mum may need further treatment but she was completely against it at first. I managed to talk to mum and we spoke about the types of treatment she may get, we spoke about possible side effects and what life she would have if she did and didn’t have treatment. She ended up deciding to have treatment after all.

Chemo started in February. She has 4 treatments of the Red Devil before moving to a different one. Mum has lost almost all her hair now. She is against wearing beanies, hats or wigs but did accept my offer of some beanies that I personally knitted up for her. I hope she eventually does decide to wear them. They’ll keep her a bit warmer over the winter months, if nothing else.

Her rude brother has already told her off for letting her hair fall out, telling her that she looks disgraceful and should be ashamed of herself. I honestly don’t know what his problem is. Surely his sister isn’t the first chemo patient he’s ever seen? It’s not like mum has decided for her hair to fall out and what she does still have left, turn to white… It’s one of those things that happens. We have to be understanding and supportive, not go out of one’s way to put a sick person down and make them feel worse about themselves.

Now on top of her cancer treatment, she has this bloody world pandemic to deal with too. It’s like this year so far has been everything or nothing.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am hopeful of getting answers to my continuing pain.

Recent blood test results showed some abnormal levels which has my doctor thinking I could possibly have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). Today I have to have some scans done so further testing can be done to confirm if I do in fact have RA.

A part of me hopes that I do, I just want answers so I can look into the illness more, do I can research what I can do to help myself. There is also a part of me who wants to find out this is not RA… But then it leaves me where I was. Still in pain with no idea why.

I currently feel scared. The first part is in just over 7 hours time but I can’t sleep. My mind is racing, anxiety is rising, negative thoughts are present and pushing past the few calming slivers of hope that I have left.

I don’t know how long it’ll take to get the results, but I’m hoping not more than a few days.

If this isn’t RA, I want to keep pressing on… I want to get to the bottom of this pain. I want answers. I have put up with the pain for far too long.

Howling

The winds are howling,

Crying out to those they’ve lost.

The winds are howling,

Warning those to turn and recede.

The icy winds cut like a knife,

Severing life and limb and taking lives.

The icy winds cut like a knife,

No one is safe from their deadly bite.

Stop.

Listen to what she has to say.

Stop.

Take her advice, stay away.

If you must go,

Do not blame me.

She tried to warn you,

She is the vicious sea.

Speak or shut up.

I think it’s time to make some noise. I have been far too quiet for far too long.

There have been many times when i have wanted to write, but i guess life or something got in the way and i just never got around to it.

It is the early hours of the morning and i am meant to start work in a little over 7 hours time. I simply can’t sleep though. I have so many unanswered questions racing through my mind.

You see, it seems we have light-fingered people in our house. It has to be one of the children which makes me sick to my stomach just admitting that. Hubby and I have been collecting coins for them. Coins which are only face value when released but soon enough increase in value- and could possibly one day help them to go through tertiary education or buy a car or get them one step closer to their dream. But that won’t happen now as a number of those coins have disappeared from where we had them. It is so incredibly disappointing to think that someone feels a need to take something (from our bedroom, mind you) without simply asking us first.

I just don’t know what path to take. Do i go to the extreme of taking all the kids to the local police station and ask the police to explain to the kids what happens to people who steal things? Do we search through their bags and belongings in hope that they have hidden the coins somewhere in their school bags or bedrooms? I am simply at a loss.

I feel like such a failure of  parent. A sad and sorry excuse and by no means a good role model for them; i mean, if i WAS a good role model, why would they feel a need to steal from me?

I am lost. I am not only a pathetic excuse of a mother, i am a horrible wife too as how could i let my children do such a thing to us… What have I done to make them feel that i deserve to be treated in such a way? It doesn’t make sense.

I am at the point where i feel i can’t go to sleep in case whoever it is, comes into our bedroom while we sleep and try to find something else to take.

I just don’t know what to think anymore….. 😦

I am the reason.

I am the reason the house is filled with stress.

I am the reason why others get angry at my children.

I am the reason why my children don’t feel they need to be respectful.

I am the reason others are filled with hatred.

I am the adult who still lets the bullies push me around for fear of them hurting those I love if I speak up.

I am the result of a lifetime of bullying.

I know what it’s like to wish I was dead rather than put up with the hurtful words and actions of my bullies.

But I would never wish the same upon them as I doubt they would survive it like I have.

They are not strong enough to put on a brave face and act as if it is not affecting them one bit.

They are simply scared individuals who have not been taught ways of expressing their feelings without hurting others. They act in a cowardly manner as they know no better.

Pushing through

Suicide.

It’s definitely not a word to be taken half heartedly, nor joked about.

It is not the “easy way out”, it is beyond a cry for help.

It is something that often comes up in my mind. My mind constantly tells me the whole world would be better off without me.

It doesn’t help that people talk down to me. I don’t care if you don’t like me, just don’t constantly remind my children what a waste of space I am. That is why they don’t respect me, that’s why they often tell me how bad a person I actually am.

It gets so bad that I find myself believing their lies. It’s easier to believe vicious lies than to try and fight for myself, speaking up for myself has seldom worked, and even if I did find an ounce of courage- it doesn’t take much to make my self esteem stoop lower than it ever has before.

Maybe I’m meant to die a slow miserable death, starting with my soul and loves being killed off first until I am just an empty hollow shell of my former self?

Just Dance

Just dance like no one is watching

Leave your worries and doubts, do not cry

May you never fall back to the person you were

You have a new life to live, it’s not bad.

Please promise you won’t stop moving

One step at a time is all it takes.

Believe in yourself, you can do it

Your heart and your soul – it now wakes.

Empty and Alone.

I have not felt this empty or alone for a very long time.
My husband has gone away for a week just when i am at a very low point emotionally. He went away just as i really wanted him to be around. I needed him here.

My physical pain is at a high level at the moment, it has been for weeks (well, i have been in constant pain for many years, but it has flared up in recent weeks) but i just never said anything as i didn’t want to worry anyone.
Now i have dug myself into a hole. If i mention my pain now, it’s like i am too weak and unable to care for my children on my own (even though the in-laws are here in the house as well).

I already feel like a failure as i most likely won’t see my two youngest children at all tomorrow. I leave for work before they wake up and i won’t get back until after they should be in bed tomorrow as i have to take my eldest to training. If they do go to bed when they’re told, i won’t actually see them until the following afternoon. 😦 That has literally just hit home.
My hubby has gone away and now i may not see my children for almost 40 hours! I really AM a bad mum.

Now i really do feel alone… more than i did 20 minutes ago when i thought it was bad then.

Maybe i should try and get some sleep… i have been awake for close to 19 hours now. I have to be up in a bit over 6 hours and i haven’t had much sleep the past day or two.