No Control

Uncontrollable urges that don’t allow me to stand still.
I shake when i don’t want to.
Because of people who can’t control their anger.

I cry.
Tears of fear roll down my cheeks.
Those who made me cry show no remorse.
Heartless creatures with no soul whatsoever.

Anxiety grows.
I can’t function as i used to.
I constantly watch over my shoulder.
I fear the animal who has no intention of stopping the torment.

Depression sets in.
The threats, the anger, the heartlessness.
It’s all too much to handle, my body can’t take it.
My mind starts to thin violent thoughts of self-harm.

Death seems safer.
It seems like a better option than living.
It makes me feel like it’s the option to take the pain away.
There seems to be no other way t make things better.

I plead.
I plead for help.
I scream out for help but i have no voice.
No one can see my pain or hear me reaching out for the help i need.

It’s gone full circle.
My body trembles and shakes.
I am back to where i started, I’m shaking.
Those uncontrollable urges are back and i can’t stand still…


I have just had a chat to a friend about an unrelated health issue but it got me thinking about different things we try to deal with in life.

There is a very interesting episode on Australia’s Insight show which can be viewed here and it talks to some individuals about their phobias.

I admit to having a number of fears and anxieties; some of which at times have had me almost frozen in fear and short of breath.

Some of the worst episodes i can remember occured during a school performance one of my children were a part of. It affected me so greatly that after dropping her off and racing back to my car i broke down in tears and started shaking almost uncontrolably, i was unable to drive for a good 10 minutes and it took me almost an hour to get home (should have been home in just over 5 minutes).
Another episode i had saw me unable to leave the house for over a week and unable to drive more than a few kilometres for close to a month. I had it in my mind that driving to visit a family member would result in something extremely bad happening to someone- i was unsure who, but i was convinced something was going to happen if i tried to go further than a few kms away.
I have also been nooked in for appointments and had to ring up and cancel less than an hour before i was due to show up.

I feel so inadequate when these things happen but it’s just something that i try to deal with when they do happen. I try to not let myself get too upset or emotional, espacially over little things as i know they can easily escalate into much larger things such as a panic attack.

Unfortunately phobias seem to be treated as a joke by some people, we who have phobias can try to educate them on what can be done to and for us but unfortunately this isn’t always possible as some people believe they know best and everyone else should be like they are.