Overthinking

I was just briefly chatting to a friend on a social media site and she mentioned how crazy it is that we often bump into each other online at some crazy hour of the night/morning… like now.

I do agree with her. Why do we often find it so hard to relax our minds and bodies of an evening, why is it so hard to get ready for a restful night’s sleep? Why does it seem hard to allow our bodies the time it needs to recharge and get ready for the following day?

I jokingly said to her i believe that i am most creative at this hour, she thought a similar thing adding that we must also stay awake due to the snoring coming from the rest of the household sleeping.

And yes, I am typing this while i sit on the bed, my husband laying down next to me, snoring- quite loudly at times… and also passing wind much louder and more projected than what he seems capable of when he is awake.

That’s not the only reason why i am awake though, i feel the biggest cause of my insomnia is due to so many things going through my mind. Some of the things i can pinpoint but most of them i can’t. I am sure it’s something in my subconscious mind that i must try to block out most of the time, but once i relax enough and start to feel creative… that’s when those locked away thoughts come flooding back to the forefront of my mind and interrupt my train of thought, stall my ability to get tired enough to fall asleep or influence my mind so much that i trigger myself and end up having an anxiety attack.
It really is not a good feeling, not being able to  control my own thoughts. It often makes me feel child-like again, child-like in a bad way. It makes me feel useless and unwanted plus that main thing i have noticed is that these bad thoughts seem to be magnetic- they attract other people to take out their frustrations on me. Other people seem to put me down or blame me for things i have no control over when i am feeling bad about myself.

I need to learn how to live in the moment more. I need to learn to stop over thinking.

But how does one NOT overthink?

Employed at last

3 weeks ago i started the first paid job i have had since 2002. I have done volunteer work during the past 15 years, but i am now employed again.

I thought it would be a huge boost to my self esteem. I thought it would make me happy.
But it hasn’t. Some days i enjoy it, other days i can’t help but think about when i can go home.

I enjoyed doing the work as a volunteer, but now that i am doing a very similar job as a paid employee, it just feels different. It’s almost like i am not good enough at times, like i’m not fast enough at my job.

The money is OK. It’s helpful. I want to save up but at the moment most of my money has to go towards bills. I know that’s how the working life is… you go to work, earn money, pay bills. REPEAT.
If you’re very fortunate you might have a bit left over to go out for a day trip, go to the movies, go out for a meal, etc…

I just wish i knew why i was no longer enjoying the job i have enjoyed doing (as a volunteer) for the past 2 years. My work load hasn’t changed much at all, but i feel i am now not appreciated quite as much by all the staff.

It’s most likely just me thinking crazy thoughts, but it feels so real to me at the moment.

I just don’t know who i can talk to about it as i don’t feel i have any friends in the same position as me, so they can’t quite understand exactly how i am feeling… or they can’t help me learn or work out why i am feeling like this.

Maybe i need to find myself…

Blergh

Do you ever have days where you want to do so much, but when it comes to the crunch, you get absolutely stuff all done!?

That’s me now.

I WANT to get shit done, but when i try to start anything, something seems to happen that makes my plans go out the window.

Then i just tend to give up. Not only on the task i was trying to get done… but on everything.

Then i eat junk food- usually consisting of a family/share pack of chips and/or a family sized block of chocolate or bag of lollies. Then i feel REALLY guilty.

My mind just does not want to work, my body feels “blergh” and my outlook on life isn’t something i am proud of.

I wish i had a way to turn these feelings around.

Another session digs deeper.

Today i had yet another session with my psychologist. I am getting better to what i was when i first started seeing her a number of years ago, but with everything i have been through over the past 6 months or so, it has still left me quite rattled and i still get triggered by little insignificant*  things in my day to day life.

We had a chat about it and she was surprised. I didn’t think i had been, but apparently i have been bottling it all up inside. Having done that she thinks could also be the cause for why i have had so many physical illnesses over the same time period too.
Headaches, aching back/bones, coughs and colds and other issues that hadn’t been worrying me before those relatives started threatening me.

Thinking about it, the way my body is reacting, does make sense. It is reacting to how i have been feeling. It is reacting to all the negativity i have been through, my body is helping me shut out things that are bad for me.

I just hope that i am able to clear my mind and body of this negativity over the coming weeks and months.

This month has been reasonably good to me.
My life is starting to look brighter than it was last year or the year before that…. or before that.

I have mentioned in the past how i have been volunteering. Well, on VAlentine’s Day i was offered a job. My Volunteer position is now a PAID POSITION! I will finally be able to start saving some money. This is the start of a new me. I am both scared and excited about this new stage of my life.
I just have to trust that i am capable of doing the tasks set for me and that i will be successful now and in the future.

 

 

*(Insignificant to the general public but a HUGE deal to my subconcious mind.)

Have you ever

Have you ever looked outside a window but been blind to the beauty?

Have you ever hurt so much that you felt incredibly numb?

Have you ever just wanted to disappear forever?

Have you ever wondered if anyone noticed you?

Have you ever taken notice of the little things?

Have you ever walked in the rain?

Have you ever wondered if things could get any worse?

Have you ever wondered what you did to be treated how you are?

Have you ever questioned your own existence?

Have you ever craved something so much that the more you desired it, the harder it was to get?

Have you ever questioned what was real and when was imaginary?

Have you ever wandered through a park for no real reason?

Have you ever taken in a deep breath and smelt the sweet perfume of the spring blossoms?

Have you ever realised that things CAN get better?

As day turns to night

As day turns to night things get darker
Senses heighten to heights and depths never before explored.

Noises which would usually be ignored
Become the noises which keep you awake, filled with fear.

Everything changes
Nothing ever seems to stay the same.

The darkness brings with it a cover of coldness
Unknowing and unwillingness to delve deeper.

Where you once felt safe now fills your mind with dread
Anxiety peaks and depression makes you want to end it all right now.

Knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel is no consolation
Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

This could be the beginning of the end.
This could be the end of life as we know it.

When you just can’t find the words…

I think the reality of Nan’s passing is starting to really sink in now.

I still reach out for a paper or some groceries to buy for her when i am out, then i have to stop and remind myself that it is no longer needed as she is no longer here.

I still think about picking up my phone to ring her and tell her about something that made me happy or proud but then realise she can’t be reached that way.

I am still quite numb, still very sad, although i don’t know if sad is the right word… I am relieved that she is now out of pain, but i guess it is still raw at times. There are so many “If only” situations. It is too late now. I can’t get her back.
I want to blame those relatives who have turned my entire family against me.
Almost 8 weeks have past and i now feel more lonely than what i have in years… I can’t ever remember feeling this lonely, this empty, this vulnerable.

My Mum does not contact me and if i ring her, she barely says a word then makes an excuse that she can’t talk and has to go and do something.

The family members who said they would keep in contact haven’t contacted me in weeks, over a month for most of them.
It hurts to not feel wanted by your own blood family.

I feel that life is really testing me at the moment. I don’t know what for, but i hope that if i make it through these tests, that there is something good for my family and i at the other end of this. I don’t know how much longer i can continue on like this though, some days i really wish i could just disappear, just vanish into thin air, to just cease existing.

I know it is selfish of me though to think like that. I am told i should think towards the future more, stop moping around and such.

I personally don’t feel i am moping around, but i do feel that i am numb a lot of the time. It’s not sadness as such, i don’t sleep all day or cry uncontrollably, i just find it hard to think straight and function properly at times.

I plan so much in my head. Little things i could do to make myself happier, things i can do to feel better, even if it’s just for an hour or so. Things i would love to do.
But those things seldom become reality. They only seem to stay as thoughts and dreams inside my head.

I just wish there was a word to describe how i am feeling as it is sort of a mash of what i have just said, yet it isn’t any of those things… It is so hard to try and accurately explain.
If i can’t describe or explain it to myself, what hope do i have of telling someone else?

What a mess…

This morning i was trying to write a letter but for the life of me, i couldn’t seem to get the words out right. It was almost as if i wasn’t meant to be saying what i wanted to say.

I am going to go over it again sometime and see if i can edit it to make it sound right and come out how i want it to.

All i could manage this morning was getting many different thoughts our of my mind and onto a page as words, individually they made sense, but together it was just a heap of jumbled nonsense.

I hope i can get away from this writers block and get back to having words flow freely so i can express myself how i want without sounding like a complete mess.

Life goes on…

So, it seems that although the reality of my Nan’s death and the grief is now hitting me like a truck at random times and knocking me for six, i still seem to be able to pull myself together and get on with life.

I now know i am not running on auto-pilot. I feel a very strong need to get away for a while. I don’t know, it could be a number of hours, or a week or more. I just don’t know. All i know is that i need to be on my own for a little while and be with someone who loves me too. Just so i can hug them and have someone to “just exist” with me. Someone to watch the clouds with me, or the stars…

I just need to get back to nature…..