Life as an Icicle

Sometime life feels like you are a icicle.
So solid and sturdy yet so fragile and breakable.

One minute you feel like you can see what is in front of you for quite a long time… the next second- you’re broken and plummeting in a downward spiral not knowing what is going to happen next.

Will you land in soft snow and transform into something new, or will you hurtle to the ground, shattering into millions of tiny pieces?

Are those of us with broken minds simply icicles hanging on for dear life… hanging on for dear life, hoping we can stay strong enough to let go when we are ready and have a soft, safe landing into the unknown?

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Backflip

Less than 24 hours ago, i was in a room surrounded by women my age as well as a generation younger.
We were having a discussion which would have us learn about each other, about the other generation as well as learning about ourselves. It was extremely interesting.

If you’ve been following me for a while- you probably would’ve come to know that i have issues believing in myself, my mental health hasn’t been the best most of the time…..

Last night i had a new lease of life. I believed a small part of me could be successful like other women in the group from within my age group, i had a feeling that i WAS capable of almost anything i set my mind to.

This afternoon however, i came crashing back down to Earth. My 15yr old had to get her hair cut. The last time she had it cut would have been almost 3 years ago i guess. She got the grumps at the hairdressers so i told her we could just go home and not worry about getting it cut but she said it had to be cut as we were there anyway.
So, she had the slightest trim off the bottom to just level it off. It was something i could have easily done at home. I wasn’t angry that she made me feel like a worthless piece of shit at the Hair Salon, i was disappointed that she didn’t see anything wrong with putting me down in such a way in public. I shouldn’t have been surprised though as she has done it many times before and i am sure she will probably do it again in the future- it’s just who she is i guess.

When we got home, she started complaining about me making her get her hair cut. I was back at home so just went into the bedroom and started crying. I felt so bad, so worthless. I felt i was such a failure. Hours later, i still feel just as bad about myself. So much so, that i feel i should be punished in some way. I don’t know how but i feel like i should be treated like shit as i am not worthy of anything better.

I hate feeling like this but for so many years it has been my normal. Once in a blue moon (like last night), I am shown a glimmer of hope, a flicker of how my life could be if i wasn’t always so down and miserable.

I wish i could just snap out of it and cheer up. But i can’t.

This is what depression and anxiety looks like.

Time and Tide

Time flies so fast
The tide washes away what i live for
Tuesday quickly turns into Thursday
Tundra landscapes disappear for another winter

Under the cover of darkness i cry
Ugly memories surface at the most inappropriate times
Uttering under my breath, i try and make it all stop
Useless is how i feel most days of the week

Silence is something i never experience anymore
Sometimes i just wish i was dead
Studying others faces is something i do way too much
Sunny blue skies no longer make me as happy as they used to do

 

To whisper you a challenge

A challenge i put out there
For you to not speak aloud
Keep your voice to just a whisper
Stay as quiet as a mouse.

Say something you’ve been afraid to say
Say something out of character
Mention the one you’d die for
Say the honest truth.

Utter a line from your favourite song
Whimper like a pup so scared
Ponder how Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
Just tell someone you simply do not care.

Play a game just for fun
Keep things light of heart
Stay up late, enjoy yourself
But please… do not fart!

existing… not living.

I feel that i am only existing, not living, not enjoying life, not loving being alive.

Knowing that i feel this numb is killing me from the inside, i try to keep a mask so no one can see the pain i hold from within.

I want to enjoy life, i want to enjoy living, i want to enjoy the little things bt i just feel that whenever i even think about enjoying something- it feels wrong. like i shouldn’t be allowed to do so. But i don’t know why.

I allow people into my life who hurt me, i allow people in my life who make me feel worthless.
I push people who make me feel wanted and loved out of my life for fear of hurting them. In doing this, i also deny myself love.

It is a vicious circle that i can’t seem to drag myself away from.

I need to learn how to live again.

When the fire has died…

A long time friend and i have had a wish to travel together for quite a number of years now.

The stars recently aligned and we were able to do just that.

We were pretty open to places to stay, where to go, etc. Once we had sorted out a budget, she said i could book the accommodation and just let her know the outcome.
I found a lovely hotel interstate, a contemporary self contained apartment and best of all- I was able to get about 65% off the cost of the accommodation!

I had imagined the trip would have us seeing the local tourist hot spots, doing a lot of walking around taking in the scenery, maybe a bit of shopping and time back at the hotel catching up with each other, reminiscing about things we did as kids,funny stories, stories and memories of loved ones who have now passed on… just remembering all the good times.

Well, it seems that it didn’t happen like that at all. She seemed to be busy on her phone for much of the trip, or uninterested in the places we did visit.
I felt like such a bad person… and i still do.
I feel like not only am i now the worst friend on Earth, but i have, to an extent, lost the special bond we both had… I am unworthy of her friendship. I’m nothing more than a piece of scum, or something to complain to her friends about when she is having a bad day. I don’t blame her if she has been talking about what a crappy friend i am. I guess i deserve it, i should have allowed her to have more input in what happened during the trip.
I mean, i sent her a list of various accommodation options and asked her which she liked the most, i asked her what she would like to see or visit as soon as we had the accommodation booked and confirmed.

There were only a couple of paid attractions that we didn’t visit but we had spoken about it and realised museums and the like wasn’t exactly something that thrilled her. That was cool, i can work with that. We watched the sunset over beautiful mountain ranges and watched lakes and buildings glisten in the last light of the day’s sun.We visited lookouts which offered 360 degree views of the surrounding districts.

It still leaves me feeling like the worst friend on Earth.
Maybe i am just incredibly guilty for talking openly to my hubby and saying how i was disappointed that our short trip away was nothing like i imagined it would be. I expected there to be lots of laughs, conversations that lasted for many hours like we used to have, crazy out of tune singing to whatever was playing on the radio, commentating on what we thought was being said or what may or may not have been happening while people watching… Just reliving our teen years i guess. I feel horrible, useless, pathetic, worthless…

Was it asking too much to suggest keeping technology to a minimum for the time we were away?
I felt like her phone was far more important than anyone or anything while we were away and i think that is what hurt the most.

 

Maybe we have to sit back and remember that we may rely on our laptops, smartphones and such to live our daily lives and get our work done… but let’s not forget about living, breathing human beings. The friends we have had face to face contact with for quite some time. They have feelings, unlike our technological items…

About time, right?

I have been meaning to write something for quite some time. I have “written” entire blog posts in my head, thought about every little detail that I wanted to say. But them i have a little voice in my head tell me not to be stupid- no one would want to read what i feel like saying. No one wants to know my thoughts or feelings…

Anyway, rather that turn this into one long post about a bit of everything… i might put up some new writings over the next few days.

The invisible noose

For days, weeks and months
The noose has been getting tighter.
Tighter and tighter around my throat
Space to breathe or swallow feels almost non-existent.

Eating causes much discomfort
Food is like a coarse file,
Grating away the at insides of my throat
Food sticks in my throat like a hook in a fish’s mouth.

I’m not trying to be difficult
I just can’t find food that doesn’t hurt.
I am not being a snob to your cooking
I am sometimes scared to eat because of the swallowing.

I am scared as i don’t know what’s happening
An invisible noose tightens around my throat.
No amount of begging or praying loosens it
I have no control, none whatsoever.

 

Sports Carnivals

I am currently sitting here listening to the sound of hundreds of school children cheering on their teams at the top of their lungs.

The Team chants have hardly changed from when i was at school. There is still so much excitement in their voices, so much encouragement from the teachers running the carnivals.

It is good that even with so much technology at their fingertips these days, there are still children happy and enthusiastic about taking part in sports carnivals.Wanting to do their best, to help their team, to get a new Personal Best.

Children today are in a way, no different to the children of generations past. They just want to have fun, spend time with their friends, push themselves, challenge their limits, do one better than they did last time.

Sport carnivals bring out the best in people… yes, the worst at times, but mostly, the best.

Sportsmanship. Teamwork. Encouragement.

Such a Hindrance

I have felt like such a hindrance for quite some time now.

I have surgery tomorrow, but can’t help but feel i am such a huge hindrance to society. I will be getting an ovarian cyst removed which should be straight-forward surgery but i can’t help but think that internally, the surgeons will find something worse. Cancer? I don’t know.
But i have this gut feeling that all the pain i have been in for the past several months isn’t a good sign. I think it’s more than just the “simple cyst”.

I mean, i have been in pain for years and years… decades even. The locations of the pain vary from day to day, week to week. To me it is “normal”. I do not know life without pain. I do not know what true silence is; i have Tinnitus so late at night is when the sounds within my head are at their loudest. To me, trying to get to sleep when all is “quiet”, to me is actually deafening and next to impossible at times. I am kept awake for hours after everyone is already fast asleep due to the noises within.

My hearing is worsening too which is scaring me. There has been a gradual worsening of my hearing impairment over the past 5 years, but it seems to have got a lot worse over the past few months. It almost happened suddenly. I now have to lip read a lot or get people to speak up so i can hear them.

Surely the world would be better off without me? I mean, i can’t hear people talking as well as the majority of the population, i am constantly in pain, my health isn’t the best.
If i was an animal, a human in charge of me would be legally allowed to have me euthanized but because i am a human, it is illegal to do just that.

I just want to have a meaning, i want to mean something to people- especially those who supposedly love me.
I want to feel needed by someone…

I want to feel loved…

I don’t want to be a hindrance anymore.