Howling

The winds are howling,

Crying out to those they’ve lost.

The winds are howling,

Warning those to turn and recede.

The icy winds cut like a knife,

Severing life and limb and taking lives.

The icy winds cut like a knife,

No one is safe from their deadly bite.

Stop.

Listen to what she has to say.

Stop.

Take her advice, stay away.

If you must go,

Do not blame me.

She tried to warn you,

She is the vicious sea.

Advertisements

Speak or shut up.

I think it’s time to make some noise. I have been far too quiet for far too long.

There have been many times when i have wanted to write, but i guess life or something got in the way and i just never got around to it.

It is the early hours of the morning and i am meant to start work in a little over 7 hours time. I simply can’t sleep though. I have so many unanswered questions racing through my mind.

You see, it seems we have light-fingered people in our house. It has to be one of the children which makes me sick to my stomach just admitting that. Hubby and I have been collecting coins for them. Coins which are only face value when released but soon enough increase in value- and could possibly one day help them to go through tertiary education or buy a car or get them one step closer to their dream. But that won’t happen now as a number of those coins have disappeared from where we had them. It is so incredibly disappointing to think that someone feels a need to take something (from our bedroom, mind you) without simply asking us first.

I just don’t know what path to take. Do i go to the extreme of taking all the kids to the local police station and ask the police to explain to the kids what happens to people who steal things? Do we search through their bags and belongings in hope that they have hidden the coins somewhere in their school bags or bedrooms? I am simply at a loss.

I feel like such a failure of  parent. A sad and sorry excuse and by no means a good role model for them; i mean, if i WAS a good role model, why would they feel a need to steal from me?

I am lost. I am not only a pathetic excuse of a mother, i am a horrible wife too as how could i let my children do such a thing to us… What have I done to make them feel that i deserve to be treated in such a way? It doesn’t make sense.

I am at the point where i feel i can’t go to sleep in case whoever it is, comes into our bedroom while we sleep and try to find something else to take.

I just don’t know what to think anymore….. 😦

I am the reason.

I am the reason the house is filled with stress.

I am the reason why others get angry at my children.

I am the reason why my children don’t feel they need to be respectful.

I am the reason others are filled with hatred.

I am the adult who still lets the bullies push me around for fear of them hurting those I love if I speak up.

I am the result of a lifetime of bullying.

I know what it’s like to wish I was dead rather than put up with the hurtful words and actions of my bullies.

But I would never wish the same upon them as I doubt they would survive it like I have.

They are not strong enough to put on a brave face and act as if it is not affecting them one bit.

They are simply scared individuals who have not been taught ways of expressing their feelings without hurting others. They act in a cowardly manner as they know no better.

Pushing through

Suicide.

It’s definitely not a word to be taken half heartedly, nor joked about.

It is not the “easy way out”, it is beyond a cry for help.

It is something that often comes up in my mind. My mind constantly tells me the whole world would be better off without me.

It doesn’t help that people talk down to me. I don’t care if you don’t like me, just don’t constantly remind my children what a waste of space I am. That is why they don’t respect me, that’s why they often tell me how bad a person I actually am.

It gets so bad that I find myself believing their lies. It’s easier to believe vicious lies than to try and fight for myself, speaking up for myself has seldom worked, and even if I did find an ounce of courage- it doesn’t take much to make my self esteem stoop lower than it ever has before.

Maybe I’m meant to die a slow miserable death, starting with my soul and loves being killed off first until I am just an empty hollow shell of my former self?

Just Dance

Just dance like no one is watching

Leave your worries and doubts, do not cry

May you never fall back to the person you were

You have a new life to live, it’s not bad.

Please promise you won’t stop moving

One step at a time is all it takes.

Believe in yourself, you can do it

Your heart and your soul – it now wakes.

Bruises aren’t always visible.

Bruises hurt. People understand they hurt and believe you may be in pain because your pain is visible.

Things like words though, are invisible. Once they’ve been spoken, they can’t be unspoken. These words can hurt as much or even more than a physical injury which is easily seen.

Invisible pain can happen at anytime, and can be dished out by anyone across many forms. It can cause lifelong pain, and soul-destroying scars on your emotional wellbeing.

Words have the ability of doing more harm than what a weapon is capable of.

Unfit for work.

Those three little words can at times make even the strongest person feel worthless.

My lower back and nerve pain has now forced me to take 3 weeks off work.

I am thankful that I can walk around, the pain is still there but its bareable. I still have trouble bathing myself and dressing myself at times so I’m still heavily relying on my husband to help me.

I feel worthless as my brain tells me I have to do everything on my to do list, but my body won’t allow me to do much at all. It is really frustrating as in many people’s opinions : “you don’t look sick.” That has to be one of the most challenging things to hear without letting it get to me. It is hard to ignore.

I feel bad enough as it is, but when that comment is directed at me, I feel so much worse.

My lack of income is hurting me financially too. It sucks.

I hate my kids seeing me like this. I should be a role model for them, I shouldn’t need them to help care for me at their young ages.

In the blink of an eye

In the blink of an eye things can change.

Well, not actually change, but there may be one moment of your life where you suddenly say “Whoa!” and realise that the life you’re living is not really like the life most of your friends are living.

You never realised it before, but you’re actually a nobody in a world full of somebodies.

Before i met my husband, i was an equal with all the people i knew. I had been raised in a modest home with “Use your common sense” as pretty much the only hard and fast rule set out for my life from those who raised me.
I had lots of pets so was always kept busy (and out of trouble) looking after those animals. I earnt money from buying, breeding and selling pets. I enjoyed it, it was fun, i learnt many lessons doing so.
I had a small group of close friends.

Fast forward to when my husband and I started dating. We often went to music concerts. I assumed it was because he enjoyed music (I have a big love of music too), but more often than not, each concert we’d go to, we’d end up backstage after the show chatting with the artist/band/singer for a while- sometimes a short while, other times for hours. It all depended on the night.
He never made a big deal out of it, so i guess that’s why i guess i just took it in my stride and assumed that was how people usually behaved at concerts (NB: I had never really been to concerts before meeting him.) Occasionally we’d travel hundreds or thousands of Kms around the country following particular bands or singers. They were always glad to see him at their shows.

The more children we had, the less live music we got to see. I was OK with that. We could still listen to our favourite music at home or in the car.

As the children started to grow up a bit more, hubby’s amount of participation in his favourite sport increased too. Not only did he still play for the local Club, he was now also playing in Representative teams and Master’s Competitions as well as receiving calls to play elsewhere in Invitational tournaments. He seemed to be getting quite a reputation for not only all the time and effort he puts into promoting the sport and increasing participation across all programs/age groups, but also for how he himself plays.
He had also been called up on a few occasions to take part in campaigns and promotions, some of which have been used Nationally, on TV and online.

This brings me back to the beginning of this post.
How, in the blink of an eye, your life can change when you realise just how different things are now to what they once were.

Going through the contacts in mine and Hubby’s phone, there are quite a few well known names. People who i never expected to meet face to face in my life, let alone have their personal contact details.
Those of Musicians who i admired growing up and into my adult life, Artists who i have highly respected and admired for as long as i can remember, TV/Social Media Personalities, Elite Sportsmen and women who currently play or did play at State, National and International levels and other well respected people.
I know, at the end of the day, all these people are just like you and I, but some days when I get a chance to just sit down, think and reflect, I can’t quite believe that these people have been willing to want to give us their contact details, let alone want to know as as more than just “that random spectator or audience member”.

It all seems to happen in the blink of an eye.

Simple Pleasures

  • A smile from a stranger
  • The sun shining on your back
  • Warm hands on a cold day
  • Patting a baby animal
  • Finding money you forgot you put in a safe place
  • Talking to a close friend
  • Hearing a favourite song on the radio
  • Having a loved one kiss or hug you for no reason
  • Looking through old photos
  • A full tank of fuel
  • Licking cake batter off a spoon
  • Seeing a shooting star
  • Stopping to smell the roses
  • Jumping in puddles