Time and Tide

Time flies so fast
The tide washes away what i live for
Tuesday quickly turns into Thursday
Tundra landscapes disappear for another winter

Under the cover of darkness i cry
Ugly memories surface at the most inappropriate times
Uttering under my breath, i try and make it all stop
Useless is how i feel most days of the week

Silence is something i never experience anymore
Sometimes i just wish i was dead
Studying others faces is something i do way too much
Sunny blue skies no longer make me as happy as they used to do

 

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existing… not living.

I feel that i am only existing, not living, not enjoying life, not loving being alive.

Knowing that i feel this numb is killing me from the inside, i try to keep a mask so no one can see the pain i hold from within.

I want to enjoy life, i want to enjoy living, i want to enjoy the little things bt i just feel that whenever i even think about enjoying something- it feels wrong. like i shouldn’t be allowed to do so. But i don’t know why.

I allow people into my life who hurt me, i allow people in my life who make me feel worthless.
I push people who make me feel wanted and loved out of my life for fear of hurting them. In doing this, i also deny myself love.

It is a vicious circle that i can’t seem to drag myself away from.

I need to learn how to live again.

When the fire has died…

A long time friend and i have had a wish to travel together for quite a number of years now.

The stars recently aligned and we were able to do just that.

We were pretty open to places to stay, where to go, etc. Once we had sorted out a budget, she said i could book the accommodation and just let her know the outcome.
I found a lovely hotel interstate, a contemporary self contained apartment and best of all- I was able to get about 65% off the cost of the accommodation!

I had imagined the trip would have us seeing the local tourist hot spots, doing a lot of walking around taking in the scenery, maybe a bit of shopping and time back at the hotel catching up with each other, reminiscing about things we did as kids,funny stories, stories and memories of loved ones who have now passed on… just remembering all the good times.

Well, it seems that it didn’t happen like that at all. She seemed to be busy on her phone for much of the trip, or uninterested in the places we did visit.
I felt like such a bad person… and i still do.
I feel like not only am i now the worst friend on Earth, but i have, to an extent, lost the special bond we both had… I am unworthy of her friendship. I’m nothing more than a piece of scum, or something to complain to her friends about when she is having a bad day. I don’t blame her if she has been talking about what a crappy friend i am. I guess i deserve it, i should have allowed her to have more input in what happened during the trip.
I mean, i sent her a list of various accommodation options and asked her which she liked the most, i asked her what she would like to see or visit as soon as we had the accommodation booked and confirmed.

There were only a couple of paid attractions that we didn’t visit but we had spoken about it and realised museums and the like wasn’t exactly something that thrilled her. That was cool, i can work with that. We watched the sunset over beautiful mountain ranges and watched lakes and buildings glisten in the last light of the day’s sun.We visited lookouts which offered 360 degree views of the surrounding districts.

It still leaves me feeling like the worst friend on Earth.
Maybe i am just incredibly guilty for talking openly to my hubby and saying how i was disappointed that our short trip away was nothing like i imagined it would be. I expected there to be lots of laughs, conversations that lasted for many hours like we used to have, crazy out of tune singing to whatever was playing on the radio, commentating on what we thought was being said or what may or may not have been happening while people watching… Just reliving our teen years i guess. I feel horrible, useless, pathetic, worthless…

Was it asking too much to suggest keeping technology to a minimum for the time we were away?
I felt like her phone was far more important than anyone or anything while we were away and i think that is what hurt the most.

 

Maybe we have to sit back and remember that we may rely on our laptops, smartphones and such to live our daily lives and get our work done… but let’s not forget about living, breathing human beings. The friends we have had face to face contact with for quite some time. They have feelings, unlike our technological items…

About time, right?

I have been meaning to write something for quite some time. I have “written” entire blog posts in my head, thought about every little detail that I wanted to say. But them i have a little voice in my head tell me not to be stupid- no one would want to read what i feel like saying. No one wants to know my thoughts or feelings…

Anyway, rather that turn this into one long post about a bit of everything… i might put up some new writings over the next few days.

The invisible noose

For days, weeks and months
The noose has been getting tighter.
Tighter and tighter around my throat
Space to breathe or swallow feels almost non-existent.

Eating causes much discomfort
Food is like a coarse file,
Grating away the at insides of my throat
Food sticks in my throat like a hook in a fish’s mouth.

I’m not trying to be difficult
I just can’t find food that doesn’t hurt.
I am not being a snob to your cooking
I am sometimes scared to eat because of the swallowing.

I am scared as i don’t know what’s happening
An invisible noose tightens around my throat.
No amount of begging or praying loosens it
I have no control, none whatsoever.

 

Sports Carnivals

I am currently sitting here listening to the sound of hundreds of school children cheering on their teams at the top of their lungs.

The Team chants have hardly changed from when i was at school. There is still so much excitement in their voices, so much encouragement from the teachers running the carnivals.

It is good that even with so much technology at their fingertips these days, there are still children happy and enthusiastic about taking part in sports carnivals.Wanting to do their best, to help their team, to get a new Personal Best.

Children today are in a way, no different to the children of generations past. They just want to have fun, spend time with their friends, push themselves, challenge their limits, do one better than they did last time.

Sport carnivals bring out the best in people… yes, the worst at times, but mostly, the best.

Sportsmanship. Teamwork. Encouragement.

Forgetfulness can be lifesaving

Sometimes i hate myself for how forgetful i can be. I will walk into another room or drive to the shops only to wonder why i am there and what i was supposed to be doing or getting.

This week, i had my surgery and i think being forgetful has actually saved my life.
In the lead up to my surgery i was very down and depressed and feeling that the world would be so much better off without me. I had it in my mind that i would tell the hospital staff that i wished to be a “DO NOT RESUSCITATE” (DNR) patient. If my time was meant to be up, that’d be it. I thought that was what would have been best for me.

Thankfully i forgot about the DNR, i forgot to speak to the staff about it and they never mentioned it to me.

Apparently i stopped breathing while i was in the Recovery Room after my operation. I am not sure how long I’d stopped breathing (I’m yet to get the results of the operation, etc), but the nurse looking after me said i had given her a scare. That has never happened to me with any other operation i have had. I don’t know why i stopped breathing but i am thankful they helped me start breathing again.

Today, a few days after the operation, my emotions are all over the place. One minute i am glad to be here, the next i feel like such a huge hindrance as i feel i should be up and doing stuff but i am physically unable to do everything i want to do due to needing to heal from the operation first.

I am an a mix of Panadol and Endone for the pain. I want to stop the Endone as soon as possible as i don’t like the side effects… the Panadol doesn’t really help me either so i may just stop taking that too.

I am hoping to be more mobile as the days go on.

I get the results of the operation and find out if the cyst i had removed was in fact cancerous. Depending on those results, I’ll know what i have to do in the future.

Whatever happens, i am sure it has happened to me because i am strong or capable enough to handle the situation…

Such a Hindrance

I have felt like such a hindrance for quite some time now.

I have surgery tomorrow, but can’t help but feel i am such a huge hindrance to society. I will be getting an ovarian cyst removed which should be straight-forward surgery but i can’t help but think that internally, the surgeons will find something worse. Cancer? I don’t know.
But i have this gut feeling that all the pain i have been in for the past several months isn’t a good sign. I think it’s more than just the “simple cyst”.

I mean, i have been in pain for years and years… decades even. The locations of the pain vary from day to day, week to week. To me it is “normal”. I do not know life without pain. I do not know what true silence is; i have Tinnitus so late at night is when the sounds within my head are at their loudest. To me, trying to get to sleep when all is “quiet”, to me is actually deafening and next to impossible at times. I am kept awake for hours after everyone is already fast asleep due to the noises within.

My hearing is worsening too which is scaring me. There has been a gradual worsening of my hearing impairment over the past 5 years, but it seems to have got a lot worse over the past few months. It almost happened suddenly. I now have to lip read a lot or get people to speak up so i can hear them.

Surely the world would be better off without me? I mean, i can’t hear people talking as well as the majority of the population, i am constantly in pain, my health isn’t the best.
If i was an animal, a human in charge of me would be legally allowed to have me euthanized but because i am a human, it is illegal to do just that.

I just want to have a meaning, i want to mean something to people- especially those who supposedly love me.
I want to feel needed by someone…

I want to feel loved…

I don’t want to be a hindrance anymore.

Merry WHAT!?

This time of year is supposed to bring out the best in all of us. It is supposed to be a time of parties, celebrations, gift giving, charity, caring and to many people- Jesus and/or Santa.

To me however, this time of year is one that i dread. It is a time of year that reminds me of those who i have lost, it is a time of year which reminds me of the family members who have upset not only me, but others at gatherings among family and friends. It is a time of year that makes me feel threatened, scared, wary, a time of year that leaves me doubting myself, a time that makes me question my own worth as not only a friend, but also as a mother, a wife and often has me questioning my own existence.

I may not be homeless or going hungry from being unable to buy food to eat- but i do feel alone.
It is almost like the more people i have around… the more lonely i feel.

In an ideal world, i would love to celebrate this time of year with my family, but i want to do it within my means and i would love to start a new family tradition… not follow on with the traditions of other family members.
Something simple like a picnic at a beach or park, or even go camping for a few days if the weather is nice enough. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money… i would ideally just like to spend some time with my hubby and our children.

Just our little family.

Surely that is not too much of an ask? Is it?

Life gets trickier as you get older.

The older i get, the less i am enjoying life.

It has even got to the point where some days i really truly wished i didn’t exist.
It is like no matter what i do or say… or DON’T do or say, is never good enough for anybody.

I have a low enough self esteem as it is and am trying to deal with everything else going on in my life- most of which i don’t really understand to start with.
Having to feel unwanted and such an inconvenience to the world almost every day is really upsetting, but i hate showing that i am upset so i try to mask it which can be overwhelmingly exhausting at times.

Why can’t people just respect others and realise that we are all unique, we are all different, we all have own struggles and daily battles. What one person finds easy and no trouble- may be next to impossible for someone else and cause them so much stress and anxiety that they may just take their own life because of how it makes them feel?

Before you say or do something… just think for a second and ask yourself if it will have a negative impact on someone around you.

Don’t be the reason someone takes their life today.