Blergh

Do you ever have days where you want to do so much, but when it comes to the crunch, you get absolutely stuff all done!?

That’s me now.

I WANT to get shit done, but when i try to start anything, something seems to happen that makes my plans go out the window.

Then i just tend to give up. Not only on the task i was trying to get done… but on everything.

Then i eat junk food- usually consisting of a family/share pack of chips and/or a family sized block of chocolate or bag of lollies. Then i feel REALLY guilty.

My mind just does not want to work, my body feels “blergh” and my outlook on life isn’t something i am proud of.

I wish i had a way to turn these feelings around.

Change can be scary

The past couple of weeks have been crazy and somewhat scary.

Things haven’t changed too much in what i have been used to doing, but the reasons i am doing what i am have changed.

2 weeks ago i began a paid Casual job. This is the first paid job i have had since 2002.
It isn’t too different to what i have been doing as a volunteer for the past two years, there are a few extra tasks involved, but nothing too scary.
Now i get to handle money more, take EFTPOS payments, be more involved in allergy alert and Gluten Free food orders.

I guess the scary thing is more those tasks which have to be learnt and remembered and then be able to be done automatically without much thought going into them. Things such as delivering staff lunches to the correct staff rooms.
There are close to 10 staff rooms and knowing which lunches have to be delivered to each room is daunting to someone who isn’t aware of the workplace layout/staffroom locations. It got so bad today when i was asked to deliver the lunches on my own that i actually had an anxiety attack. I felt so ashamed. I felt inadequate. I wished the world would just open up and make me disappear. But it didn’t. What did happen? I let it get to me and let it upset me. I tried not to, but i cried. I couldn’t keep the tears away. This made me feel even worse.
Thankfully my boss is understanding and pulled me aside for a quiet chat. I told her of my worries and she said i should not have been told to take the lunches on my own this early in, how i should have had at least a week or two experience, shadowing another staff member and getting used to what i should deliver and where.

On top of that, it didn’t help that i had so much more going on in my mind.
Stress, money issues, random negative thoughts… It all snowballed and made things seem so much worse than what they were.

I have also been sick for the past month or so. It turns out i have tonsillitis. Thankfully i was recently able to see my regular doctor who gave me stronger medicine and did some tests which i am hoping will let us know what exactly is wrong with me and if it is something bad, or if my body is just run down and weak at the moment and not able to fight off simple viruses and infections.

I just feel like going for a day trip… getting back to nature. My body and soul is craving that. Going somewhere to just watch the water, watch the wind blow the leaves about in a forest, to water water ripple and ants marching in a line.
I just need time to recharge again.

I feel that my batteries are depleted. They are completely flat and no matter what i do, it just isn’t enough to give it my all each day. I am not running at the best of my ability. I am struggling.

There you go, i said it. I’m struggling. I am finding it hard to cope. Hard to cope with work. Hard to cope with life. Hard to cope with the thoughts racing through my mind- most of those thoughts which are by no means helpful to me or those who i influence.

If you are reading this and realise you or someone you know is in a similar position. Please, please stop and take some time for yourself. Take time to regenerate your soul. If you are unable to to work to the best of your ability, to be the best you know you can be, it WILL come through in your work, in your art, it will show through in your actions, your words and those who know you, will wonder what is wrong.
Do not be too proud to admit you need time out, to admit you need time to recharge.

You are worth it.

Another session digs deeper.

Today i had yet another session with my psychologist. I am getting better to what i was when i first started seeing her a number of years ago, but with everything i have been through over the past 6 months or so, it has still left me quite rattled and i still get triggered by little insignificant*  things in my day to day life.

We had a chat about it and she was surprised. I didn’t think i had been, but apparently i have been bottling it all up inside. Having done that she thinks could also be the cause for why i have had so many physical illnesses over the same time period too.
Headaches, aching back/bones, coughs and colds and other issues that hadn’t been worrying me before those relatives started threatening me.

Thinking about it, the way my body is reacting, does make sense. It is reacting to how i have been feeling. It is reacting to all the negativity i have been through, my body is helping me shut out things that are bad for me.

I just hope that i am able to clear my mind and body of this negativity over the coming weeks and months.

This month has been reasonably good to me.
My life is starting to look brighter than it was last year or the year before that…. or before that.

I have mentioned in the past how i have been volunteering. Well, on VAlentine’s Day i was offered a job. My Volunteer position is now a PAID POSITION! I will finally be able to start saving some money. This is the start of a new me. I am both scared and excited about this new stage of my life.
I just have to trust that i am capable of doing the tasks set for me and that i will be successful now and in the future.

 

 

*(Insignificant to the general public but a HUGE deal to my subconcious mind.)

More lows than highs

It has been two months since i last wrote.

So much yet so little has happened.

My mind is constantly in overdrive with a million thoughts an hour racing through my mind.
I wish i could get them into this blog, but i have been feeling so shit lately that i can’t be bothered writing as i feel that no one would be interested reading about my thoughts…
I feel that i am not worth it anymore.

It is my fault i feel this way.
Sometimes i make unnecessary comments. I made a comment on a friend’s status recently…at the moment i wrote it, i thought it was funny, a bit tongue in cheek… but today i noticed one of her friends had commented on my comment pointing out grammar mistakes that i had not picked up on.

Having so many thoughts about the harsh words and negative comments my mum used to say to me on a daily basis, this was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I wanted to reply to try and stand up for myself, but i realised the other person (who i did not even know) was most likely right and all those things my Mum used to say to me MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT.

I doubt the person who made that comment will ever know they drove me to have bad thoughts again today… thoughts that i have not had for a number of weeks. But that trigger… it’ll be at the front of my mind for quite some time now as i was raised to concentrate on the bad things i do… not always the good.

I have been trying hard to get myself in a better headspace since Nan passed away, but there always seems to be a trigger which sends me backwards ten-fold.

I truly hope there are NO other humans or animals in this galaxy who get the same thoughts i do as it can be genuinely crippling to what could have been an otherwise positive day.
I am guessing though that in reality, there ARE people travelling a similar road to me, but we each have our own issues and demons we are trying to fight off on a daily basis.

I just want you all to know that you are not alone.
I wish i could take your pain away- you don’t deserve to be unhappy.
I am willing to be unhappy for you all.

What a day!

It has been one big exhausting day for me today.
It wasn’t a very busy one… just a regular day… but my anxiety peaked more than it has in quite sometime.

Today’s hot weather and humidity didn’t help… neither did me hardly eating anything and not drinking much today but i just felt so bad that i felt i didn’t deserve to eat or drink.

It got so bad this evening that i couldn’t stop my hands from shaking… it wasn’t too noticeable, except when i was holding things… and at the time i was helping my little ones write their lists for who they want to give Christmas cards to… i just had to clench my hands and hope they didn’t notice as they didn’t deserve to be dragged into my problems.

Here i was thinking i was getting my life back together… getting into a bit of a routine again, starting to feel a little bit better about myself… then today it was like i got hit by a truck and now i feel i am ten steps behind where i was a few days ago.

This has not only affected me mentally, but also physically as i have been aching quite a bit lately. It is worst when i am idle… I don’t notice the pain when i am doing things.

I just hope that things ease up a bit over the next few days…
I thought this Christmas would be a hard one for me, but i didn’t expect things to start going wrong just yet…

Anticipation can be scary.

Anticipation can be scary, especially when you don’t know what you are waiting for, how big it will be, what form it will appear in.

Not knowing what you should be looking out for can be very worrying indeed as how do you know if it passes by you one day and you never knew that was it? What if it is then gone forever?

Yet, if you grab out at anything and everything that goes past… it could be all for no reason.

How do you know when something is for you to take hold of?
How do you know if something is meant for you?
How do you know what the future holds?

Have you ever

Have you ever looked outside a window but been blind to the beauty?

Have you ever hurt so much that you felt incredibly numb?

Have you ever just wanted to disappear forever?

Have you ever wondered if anyone noticed you?

Have you ever taken notice of the little things?

Have you ever walked in the rain?

Have you ever wondered if things could get any worse?

Have you ever wondered what you did to be treated how you are?

Have you ever questioned your own existence?

Have you ever craved something so much that the more you desired it, the harder it was to get?

Have you ever questioned what was real and when was imaginary?

Have you ever wandered through a park for no real reason?

Have you ever taken in a deep breath and smelt the sweet perfume of the spring blossoms?

Have you ever realised that things CAN get better?

As day turns to night

As day turns to night things get darker
Senses heighten to heights and depths never before explored.

Noises which would usually be ignored
Become the noises which keep you awake, filled with fear.

Everything changes
Nothing ever seems to stay the same.

The darkness brings with it a cover of coldness
Unknowing and unwillingness to delve deeper.

Where you once felt safe now fills your mind with dread
Anxiety peaks and depression makes you want to end it all right now.

Knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel is no consolation
Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

This could be the beginning of the end.
This could be the end of life as we know it.

InCoMpLeTe

I feel i don’t know who i am any more.

i just spent about half an hour reading through some of my earlier posts. I cried, i was amazed at how strong i was, i shuddered at the way i was treated by others.

Now i am trying to find the real me again…

But i don’t know where to look. I don’t know where to start.

It honestly scares me.

I thought i would have been a good role model for my children, but now i an unsure if i am even fit to be a parent.
I feel too unstable at times.

I wish there was an easy answer.

I have tried getting back to nature.
I went to the zoo. That wasn’t the best idea as i ended up spending far too much time watching the chimpanzees. I feel that at one stage, i was starting to share their feelings. I was overcome with sadness, with neglect and loneliness. It wasn’t a good feeling at all. I wanted to leave, but something made me stay longer, hoping i’d find a glimpse of happiness in one of their eyes.
I walked around Botanic Gardens which would normally be very relaxing and calming for me, but again, i didn’t feel calm or relaxed when i was there either.

How does one find them-self again when they feel broken beyond repair?