Light at the end of the tunnel

I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am hopeful of getting answers to my continuing pain.

Recent blood test results showed some abnormal levels which has my doctor thinking I could possibly have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). Today I have to have some scans done so further testing can be done to confirm if I do in fact have RA.

A part of me hopes that I do, I just want answers so I can look into the illness more, do I can research what I can do to help myself. There is also a part of me who wants to find out this is not RA… But then it leaves me where I was. Still in pain with no idea why.

I currently feel scared. The first part is in just over 7 hours time but I can’t sleep. My mind is racing, anxiety is rising, negative thoughts are present and pushing past the few calming slivers of hope that I have left.

I don’t know how long it’ll take to get the results, but I’m hoping not more than a few days.

If this isn’t RA, I want to keep pressing on… I want to get to the bottom of this pain. I want answers. I have put up with the pain for far too long.

Unfit for work.

Those three little words can at times make even the strongest person feel worthless.

My lower back and nerve pain has now forced me to take 3 weeks off work.

I am thankful that I can walk around, the pain is still there but its bareable. I still have trouble bathing myself and dressing myself at times so I’m still heavily relying on my husband to help me.

I feel worthless as my brain tells me I have to do everything on my to do list, but my body won’t allow me to do much at all. It is really frustrating as in many people’s opinions : “you don’t look sick.” That has to be one of the most challenging things to hear without letting it get to me. It is hard to ignore.

I feel bad enough as it is, but when that comment is directed at me, I feel so much worse.

My lack of income is hurting me financially too. It sucks.

I hate my kids seeing me like this. I should be a role model for them, I shouldn’t need them to help care for me at their young ages.

It’s not funny anymore.

Over the majority of my life I have been in some sort of pain.

It has almost always been back or neck/shoulder pain.

This is the third year in a row that I have ended up with bulged discs in my back, pinched nerves and other pain.
Over the past week I have put my back out twice. The silliest thing is HOW I did it.
The first time was due to me being stooped/hunched over transplanting seedlings into a raised garden bed, then the second time I re-pinched the nerve when I flushed the toilet. I did it flushing the toilet!!! How idiotic does that sound!?

I would have much preferred to say I had done it lifting heavy items but that’s not the case.
Last year I ended up in hospital with very similar problems and it was all due to me shifting my weight from one butt cheek to the other.
Stupid little things like that, it’s unbelievable!

The worst thing is that it takes weeks, sometimes months to recover and get back to some type of “normal”. Although these days I don’t know what normal is.
To me, normal is having an almost constant pain/ache, but not enough to warrant taking pain killers as I have grown accustomed to the feeling. I wish this was NOT my “normal”, but I don’t know if anything can be done.

Last year the word “surgery” was spoken a couple of times but they also said the risks outweighed the positives and it would be best to just “take things easy”.
Easy to say when you’ve got a family. Easy to say to someone who has young children that want to be picked up and hugged and played with.

I’m now on hydromorphone and have the option to take paracetamol as well if the pain is bad enough. I don’t want to rely on pain killers, I hate taking medicines and rarely do take them unless I feel there is no other answer.
At the moment though, I feel it is the only way I can be out of pain, or at least have the edge taken off the pain. Once the medicine kicks in, it doesn’t actually take the pain away completely. I can still feel the pressure and discomfort.
I guess the comfort is in knowing that for a few hours (if I’m lucky) I won’t be able to experience the full impact of the pain until the medicine starts to wear off.

I have been through physiotherapy following each episode over the past 3 years (I even had some physiotherapy earlier this year when I felt my back was getting niggly. I wanted to nip it in the bud before things got worse.) but once the worst of this current episode is over, I don’t know what to do. I do plan on going to my doctor for a chat and seeing what they recommend. I don’t want to continue having this back trouble each year for the rest of my life.

I have enough other stuff to deal with without having to worry about a dodgy back. 😦

All I know is that this is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone… not even my worst enemy.

What have i done to deserve this?

For the past 3 years I have hurt my back and it has put my life on hold until I was able to heal enough to get on with my life.

The first time it came as a surprise, the second time, it happened almost exactly a year later.
This year around the same time my back felt a bit niggly so I got some physiotherapy as a preventative measure and I thought everything was fine but late last week I hurt my back once again and have pretty much been bed ridden since.

I believe in Karma, getting back what you give out, but it makes me wonder what bad things I have done in my life to deserve to be hurt like this 3 years in a row.

It just doesn’t seem fair on me, my immediate family or my extended family (of whom I often help with their day to day chores and errands).
It isn’t fair on my husband needing to look after me like I am a child- I cannot even bathe myself without needing his assistance.

I went to my local medical centre and the doctor who saw me didn’t lay a hand on me, she simply stated that she wouldn’t give me strong pain killers as they can be addictive and to continue taking paracetamol (which doesn’t do much at all for the pain) and if I was still in pain next week, to return to the medical centre or go to a hospital if it gets worse.

Well, today it did get worse, but not quite as bad as what it was last year so I am uncertain as to if I should go to the hospital as I am sure there are many people who need the hospitals services more than I do. The pain is constant but I am trying to “just ignore it” and hoping that regular doses of panadol and sleep will help make it all better.

I just wish the pain would either go away (preferably) or get bad enough that I feel it warrants a visit to my local hospital’s Emergency Department.