Howling

The winds are howling,

Crying out to those they’ve lost.

The winds are howling,

Warning those to turn and recede.

The icy winds cut like a knife,

Severing life and limb and taking lives.

The icy winds cut like a knife,

No one is safe from their deadly bite.

Stop.

Listen to what she has to say.

Stop.

Take her advice, stay away.

If you must go,

Do not blame me.

She tried to warn you,

She is the vicious sea.

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Pushing through

Suicide.

It’s definitely not a word to be taken half heartedly, nor joked about.

It is not the “easy way out”, it is beyond a cry for help.

It is something that often comes up in my mind. My mind constantly tells me the whole world would be better off without me.

It doesn’t help that people talk down to me. I don’t care if you don’t like me, just don’t constantly remind my children what a waste of space I am. That is why they don’t respect me, that’s why they often tell me how bad a person I actually am.

It gets so bad that I find myself believing their lies. It’s easier to believe vicious lies than to try and fight for myself, speaking up for myself has seldom worked, and even if I did find an ounce of courage- it doesn’t take much to make my self esteem stoop lower than it ever has before.

Maybe I’m meant to die a slow miserable death, starting with my soul and loves being killed off first until I am just an empty hollow shell of my former self?

Uncertainty

Setting out into the dark I watched for a glimpse of life. The flicker of eyes, the warmth of a breath on a cold winter’s night, the sound of a smile…

There was nothing.

Into the darkness was more darkness and unknowing. There was no sign of life, no sign of existence.

Where exactly was I? I was still standing so I knew there was gravity and I must still be on Earth.

The silence was unbearable. Not being able to hear anything at all was deafening. Not being able to see was blinding.

It was all to much for me to comprehend. I didn’t want to go back to where I had been yet I was scared to continue going forward in fear of what may lie ahead of me.

I felt naked. Alone. Scared.

I wanted to reach out yet I felt I was bound tightly and could not move at all.

I could feel myself drowning. Drowning in a pool of nothingness.
Nothing. At. All.

I wanted to scream out for help yet when I opened my mouth, no words came out. I was unable to talk, unable to make any audible noises.

I want to cry yet my body is as arid as the driest of dry deserts- parched and lifeless if viewed from the outside
BUT
If you take a closer look you would realise there is life within.

There are tears trying to come out, screams of pain, of pleading.
I was not drowning, I was safe.

Hands reached out to me, my body draped in soft cloth with loved ones nearby.

Everything was becoming clearer than it had ever been before.
I could hear the wind howling, I could hear all the animals, running water, rustling leaves.

I could see it all.

I was alive.