Alone in a crowded room

Every day people come and go in the house.

Carers, family, friends.

They all come to help or see my Nan and how she is going.
Some ask how I am, but the response is always the same “I’m fine thanks”.

This could not be further from the truth though.

I can’t recall the last time i felt this lonely. Maybe it was during my teenage years when the bullying was at it’s worst? When i always had people around but i never felt i could say anything without being told I’d brought this upon myself.
I did not then, as i do not want to now, bring attention to myself.

This time is my Nan’s time. She deserves to shine for as long as she can. I do not want to take the spotlight away from her.

Meanwhile i stand out of sight watching over her, watching over everyone. Standing in the wings silently weeping, silently wishing i could make things better, silently wishing i could give her everything she wants and everything she needs at this very moment.
Silently wishing i had the guts to speak up and say what i felt.

To say that some people should take a good hard look in the mirror as they are hurting Nan by thinking of themselves, by putting THEIR wants before hers. By suggesting options which make THEIR life easier even if it is the complete opposite of what she wants or needs.

But this won’t ever happen. Not out loud anyway. Not while Nan is living. I will continue to keep my thoughts to myself, i’ll continue to have a weight lift off my shoulders when you leave the house until next time.

I will continue to put my whole life, spirit and soul into taking care of Nan.

I truly want her to be able to do whatever she requests. I will do my best to be able to make it happen for her.
So far i feel i am doing the right thing for her.

She is my #1 priority.
I wish i could take the pain and illness away and die with it so she doesn’t have to.

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When the pain gets too much.

too strong too long

A post of few words.
The above image says it all.

I have had tears welling up in my eyes for the smallest little reasons lately.
I do honestly think it is because i am trying to be strong… stronger than i probably need to be.

I have been trying to shrug off physical and emotional pain and pretend none of it existed and that i was “fine”.
Well, i’m not fine and i feel i need some time and space to really find myself again.

I just don’t know how to go about it…

MIA

I have been MIA for what feels like an eternity.

I don’t have excuses- i just haven’t got around to adding to my blog before now. Don’t get me wrong- i HAVE wanted to, quite a bit, but I suppose i was constantly doing other things or just didn’t get around to it.

I’ve only seen my psychologist once in about 6 months now and i think that may be part of the problem why i have pretty much let my life fall to pieces. Being able to have honest chats without being judged lifts a HUGE weight off my shoulders, but seeing as i have not had this chance, i have been over-thinking absolutely everything, to the point where i wasn’t getting to bed until between 3 and 5 am at times, and then within a few hours, i’d have to get back up and repeat the day again and again and again.

Things got so bad that i got to the point where i was spending all day in the bedroom as i couldn’t face the thought of dealing with the world. There were even moments i couldn’t hold the tears back and i just wanted to die, thinking that everyone would be better off without me around to stuff their lives up.

It made me feel like a completely worthless excuse of a mother and wife, my husband and his mum pretty much just took over.

I don’t know what it was, but something inside me lit up, just a glimmer of hope or something- i’m not exactly sure what it was, but but now i am able to live what others may call a semi normal life.

I still don’t feel great, i still don’t feel well, but i think i’m ever so slowly improving.

Everything starts with baby steps…

Uncertainty

Setting out into the dark I watched for a glimpse of life. The flicker of eyes, the warmth of a breath on a cold winter’s night, the sound of a smile…

There was nothing.

Into the darkness was more darkness and unknowing. There was no sign of life, no sign of existence.

Where exactly was I? I was still standing so I knew there was gravity and I must still be on Earth.

The silence was unbearable. Not being able to hear anything at all was deafening. Not being able to see was blinding.

It was all to much for me to comprehend. I didn’t want to go back to where I had been yet I was scared to continue going forward in fear of what may lie ahead of me.

I felt naked. Alone. Scared.

I wanted to reach out yet I felt I was bound tightly and could not move at all.

I could feel myself drowning. Drowning in a pool of nothingness.
Nothing. At. All.

I wanted to scream out for help yet when I opened my mouth, no words came out. I was unable to talk, unable to make any audible noises.

I want to cry yet my body is as arid as the driest of dry deserts- parched and lifeless if viewed from the outside
BUT
If you take a closer look you would realise there is life within.

There are tears trying to come out, screams of pain, of pleading.
I was not drowning, I was safe.

Hands reached out to me, my body draped in soft cloth with loved ones nearby.

Everything was becoming clearer than it had ever been before.
I could hear the wind howling, I could hear all the animals, running water, rustling leaves.

I could see it all.

I was alive.

Happy Valentine’s Day to me.

That’s the thing…
When you believe in a celebration, but other people around you don’t, it pretty much leaves it up to you to celebrate with yourself.
Yes I am married, but my hubby has never really been into Valentine’s Day. He doesn’t think he should be told to show his love to me on any particular single day of the year. That’s fair enough, but I’ve always liked the whole thought and idea of it. You don’t have to spend a lot of money… I believe it’s more about making the time to spend some quality one-on-one time with someone who takes up a big place in your heart.

Today turned out to be like any other Saturday. I was with out children at their sports all day while hubby went to his game.
After the kids games finished, we dropped one of my kids team-mates off then went back to the Clubhouse to chill out and watch a bit of TV with hubby and his mates. We chat about the days games, joke about a bit, watch some TV and just chill out I general.

I may be female in a male dominated space, but I guess I’m just “one of the guys”. Growing up I was always a tomboy, I always had more male friends than female. I guess I can just relate to and get on with them better.

We’ve been home for a few hours now. The kids are in bed fast asleep, hubby is asleep yet here I am, quite awake and typing away on a keyboard wondering if anyone will actually bother reading about my non-eventful Valentine’s Day.

In a way, I hope not many people see this for at least a day or so as that should mean they are spending some quality time with their loved ones- whether they be friends, family, partners, children, pets… it doesn’t really matter. I guess I just don’t want you to feel alone.

Feeling alone has to be one of the cruellest things that any individual can feel. It is such a cold, sterile, unwelcome, thing to feel. It is upsetting. It easily causes one to cry and then question their own existence.
“Would anyone realise I was gone if I just disappeared off the face of the Earth?”

I would like to think I would be missed… but I just don’t know.