Unfit for work.

Those three little words can at times make even the strongest person feel worthless.

My lower back and nerve pain has now forced me to take 3 weeks off work.

I am thankful that I can walk around, the pain is still there but its bareable. I still have trouble bathing myself and dressing myself at times so I’m still heavily relying on my husband to help me.

I feel worthless as my brain tells me I have to do everything on my to do list, but my body won’t allow me to do much at all. It is really frustrating as in many people’s opinions : “you don’t look sick.” That has to be one of the most challenging things to hear without letting it get to me. It is hard to ignore.

I feel bad enough as it is, but when that comment is directed at me, I feel so much worse.

My lack of income is hurting me financially too. It sucks.

I hate my kids seeing me like this. I should be a role model for them, I shouldn’t need them to help care for me at their young ages.

MIA

It seems I have been Missing in Action for longer than I realise.

No excuses really- life just got busy and some things took a back seat for a while- this blog being one of those things.

My back pain is still affecting me as much as usual, some days even more than usual. I try to not let it rule my life, but often I find that that’s just what it is doing.
Since I last blogged, I have had CT scans and ultrasounds done trying to find a reason for my pain. It simply comes back to the bulged disc.

I need to get back into some type of routine where I am going for regular walks, living a healthy lifestyle and being as active as possible.
I think I have regained some of the weight that I lost earlier this year and that has depressed me more than it should. I am not proud of it and have turned to food to help me feel better. Not good food though- chips, lollies and too much soft drink.
I am ashamed of what I have become once again.

I understand I most likely will never have a wafer thin model’s body- nor do I want to, but I would really like to shed some of these excessive Kgs, I want to be fitter, healthier and happier within myself.

Some days though- it just seems like it’s too much to aim for. 😦
I feel I should just give up and not care about anything…

I want to keep myself busy from now into the new year. I don’t mind how- physical exercise, outings, getting back into doing things I really enjoy, keeping on top of my blog…
Christmas hasn’t been overly enjoyable for me over the past dozen or so years and as it nears each year I can’t help but worry what will happen this year.
I don’t want most of my Adult life filled with upsetting events and happenings throughout the end of each year but it seems to be what is becoming “normal” for me.

My ultimate dream would be to start a new tradition.
Have an early Christmas with extended family PRIOR to December 25th and on Christmas Day itself, after the children have opened their presents, go out for the day as a family for a picnic in a nice park, at the beach, anywhere really where we can just be together as our own little family unit.

3:40am

It is 3:40am as I type this.
I am unable to sleep.

I am blaming the painkillers I am currently on for a back injury for my insomnia.

Last night I didn’t get to bed until 5am, just as the sun was starting to think about inching closer to the horizon before showing itself.

I hate being in pain. The drugs take the edge off it, but don’t make me better.

I am afraid I will end up addicted to my painkillers. I shouldn’t though as I am only on a low dose and only take them once or twice a day (I can take them 4 times a day if needed). I want to try and wean myself off them as I hate taking any type of medication.

My back has been troubling me for most of my adult life, but this latest injury happened about 2 weeks ago.
It isn’t much really- there are many people out there who are much worse off than what I am.

I simply have bulged discs and pinched nerves. I have other health issues that most likely do not help but it is something I have learnt to live with over the years.

Before I hurt my back I had a horrid flu/virus that had been doing the rounds of my community, my suburb, my city…

For the past month I guess, I haven’t eaten much compared to what I used to. Some days I might have 2 small meals, some days 1 meal, some days I may just graze on a few pieces of fruit over the course of a day.
In a way, I am happy as I am losing weight. I think I have lost well over 5kgs so far. I have been trying to lose weight and get fitter and healthier this year so in a way I guess this is a blessing in disguise, but I was wanting to do it in a healthy way. To reach my “ideal weight”, I still have to lose another 10-15kgs.

For the past fortnight I have pretty much been bedridden. I know being mobile is the best way to recover, but it just hurts so much if I have to stand or walk for more than half an hour, sometimes I can barely get around for a few minutes before I feel my spine compressing again and pinching back down on the nerves.
Sitting or laying in bed seems to give me the most relief, but even when I do that, I can get numbness, pain, tingling, pins and needles down my legs- usually my left leg. I truly hope o am not causing myself nerve damage, I don’t want to permanently damage my body more than what  has been done.

I’m not sure what can be done with me.
I have had the same back issue happen three years running now. It is seriously beyond a joke. I do not want to go through it again.
Last year it was so bad I ended up in hospital.
Earlier this year I felt my back getting a bit niggly so I had some sessions with a physiotherapist to nip it in the bud before it caused me trouble. I thought I’d got out of it but then it hit me and has had me on the sidelines for the past 2 weeks.

It is so frustrating.

Some days, laying in bed alone- with only the TV for company, my mind wanders off…
It would be so much easier for my family and friends if I wasn’t here. I feel like such a burden on everyone, needing my husband to help look after me like I am one of the children.
It really doesn’t make me feel very worthwhile.

I just want my body to be able to move and function normally.

It’s not funny anymore.

Over the majority of my life I have been in some sort of pain.

It has almost always been back or neck/shoulder pain.

This is the third year in a row that I have ended up with bulged discs in my back, pinched nerves and other pain.
Over the past week I have put my back out twice. The silliest thing is HOW I did it.
The first time was due to me being stooped/hunched over transplanting seedlings into a raised garden bed, then the second time I re-pinched the nerve when I flushed the toilet. I did it flushing the toilet!!! How idiotic does that sound!?

I would have much preferred to say I had done it lifting heavy items but that’s not the case.
Last year I ended up in hospital with very similar problems and it was all due to me shifting my weight from one butt cheek to the other.
Stupid little things like that, it’s unbelievable!

The worst thing is that it takes weeks, sometimes months to recover and get back to some type of “normal”. Although these days I don’t know what normal is.
To me, normal is having an almost constant pain/ache, but not enough to warrant taking pain killers as I have grown accustomed to the feeling. I wish this was NOT my “normal”, but I don’t know if anything can be done.

Last year the word “surgery” was spoken a couple of times but they also said the risks outweighed the positives and it would be best to just “take things easy”.
Easy to say when you’ve got a family. Easy to say to someone who has young children that want to be picked up and hugged and played with.

I’m now on hydromorphone and have the option to take paracetamol as well if the pain is bad enough. I don’t want to rely on pain killers, I hate taking medicines and rarely do take them unless I feel there is no other answer.
At the moment though, I feel it is the only way I can be out of pain, or at least have the edge taken off the pain. Once the medicine kicks in, it doesn’t actually take the pain away completely. I can still feel the pressure and discomfort.
I guess the comfort is in knowing that for a few hours (if I’m lucky) I won’t be able to experience the full impact of the pain until the medicine starts to wear off.

I have been through physiotherapy following each episode over the past 3 years (I even had some physiotherapy earlier this year when I felt my back was getting niggly. I wanted to nip it in the bud before things got worse.) but once the worst of this current episode is over, I don’t know what to do. I do plan on going to my doctor for a chat and seeing what they recommend. I don’t want to continue having this back trouble each year for the rest of my life.

I have enough other stuff to deal with without having to worry about a dodgy back. 😦

All I know is that this is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone… not even my worst enemy.

What have i done to deserve this?

For the past 3 years I have hurt my back and it has put my life on hold until I was able to heal enough to get on with my life.

The first time it came as a surprise, the second time, it happened almost exactly a year later.
This year around the same time my back felt a bit niggly so I got some physiotherapy as a preventative measure and I thought everything was fine but late last week I hurt my back once again and have pretty much been bed ridden since.

I believe in Karma, getting back what you give out, but it makes me wonder what bad things I have done in my life to deserve to be hurt like this 3 years in a row.

It just doesn’t seem fair on me, my immediate family or my extended family (of whom I often help with their day to day chores and errands).
It isn’t fair on my husband needing to look after me like I am a child- I cannot even bathe myself without needing his assistance.

I went to my local medical centre and the doctor who saw me didn’t lay a hand on me, she simply stated that she wouldn’t give me strong pain killers as they can be addictive and to continue taking paracetamol (which doesn’t do much at all for the pain) and if I was still in pain next week, to return to the medical centre or go to a hospital if it gets worse.

Well, today it did get worse, but not quite as bad as what it was last year so I am uncertain as to if I should go to the hospital as I am sure there are many people who need the hospitals services more than I do. The pain is constant but I am trying to “just ignore it” and hoping that regular doses of panadol and sleep will help make it all better.

I just wish the pain would either go away (preferably) or get bad enough that I feel it warrants a visit to my local hospital’s Emergency Department.