I am the reason.

I am the reason the house is filled with stress.

I am the reason why others get angry at my children.

I am the reason why my children don’t feel they need to be respectful.

I am the reason others are filled with hatred.

I am the adult who still lets the bullies push me around for fear of them hurting those I love if I speak up.

I am the result of a lifetime of bullying.

I know what it’s like to wish I was dead rather than put up with the hurtful words and actions of my bullies.

But I would never wish the same upon them as I doubt they would survive it like I have.

They are not strong enough to put on a brave face and act as if it is not affecting them one bit.

They are simply scared individuals who have not been taught ways of expressing their feelings without hurting others. They act in a cowardly manner as they know no better.

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Just Dance

Just dance like no one is watching

Leave your worries and doubts, do not cry

May you never fall back to the person you were

You have a new life to live, it’s not bad.

Please promise you won’t stop moving

One step at a time is all it takes.

Believe in yourself, you can do it

Your heart and your soul – it now wakes.

Unfit for work.

Those three little words can at times make even the strongest person feel worthless.

My lower back and nerve pain has now forced me to take 3 weeks off work.

I am thankful that I can walk around, the pain is still there but its bareable. I still have trouble bathing myself and dressing myself at times so I’m still heavily relying on my husband to help me.

I feel worthless as my brain tells me I have to do everything on my to do list, but my body won’t allow me to do much at all. It is really frustrating as in many people’s opinions : “you don’t look sick.” That has to be one of the most challenging things to hear without letting it get to me. It is hard to ignore.

I feel bad enough as it is, but when that comment is directed at me, I feel so much worse.

My lack of income is hurting me financially too. It sucks.

I hate my kids seeing me like this. I should be a role model for them, I shouldn’t need them to help care for me at their young ages.

Simple Pleasures

  • A smile from a stranger
  • The sun shining on your back
  • Warm hands on a cold day
  • Patting a baby animal
  • Finding money you forgot you put in a safe place
  • Talking to a close friend
  • Hearing a favourite song on the radio
  • Having a loved one kiss or hug you for no reason
  • Looking through old photos
  • A full tank of fuel
  • Licking cake batter off a spoon
  • Seeing a shooting star
  • Stopping to smell the roses
  • Jumping in puddles

Empty and Alone.

I have not felt this empty or alone for a very long time.
My husband has gone away for a week just when i am at a very low point emotionally. He went away just as i really wanted him to be around. I needed him here.

My physical pain is at a high level at the moment, it has been for weeks (well, i have been in constant pain for many years, but it has flared up in recent weeks) but i just never said anything as i didn’t want to worry anyone.
Now i have dug myself into a hole. If i mention my pain now, it’s like i am too weak and unable to care for my children on my own (even though the in-laws are here in the house as well).

I already feel like a failure as i most likely won’t see my two youngest children at all tomorrow. I leave for work before they wake up and i won’t get back until after they should be in bed tomorrow as i have to take my eldest to training. If they do go to bed when they’re told, i won’t actually see them until the following afternoon. 😦 That has literally just hit home.
My hubby has gone away and now i may not see my children for almost 40 hours! I really AM a bad mum.

Now i really do feel alone… more than i did 20 minutes ago when i thought it was bad then.

Maybe i should try and get some sleep… i have been awake for close to 19 hours now. I have to be up in a bit over 6 hours and i haven’t had much sleep the past day or two.

Drowning

A sea of blackness wraps itself around me.
It’s embrace tightens itself like a noose around my neck.
The coldness of an arctic sea runs through me.
I feel colder, much colder, limp and more lifeless than ever before.

I try to call out but there is no noise.
I have no voice, there is no one left to hear my cries for help.
I try to grab something to stop me falling.
To stop me falling to my bitter end, but nothing is within reach.

The stark vastness, the nothingness, the neglected soulless body hangs limply.
As limp as a wet sheet of paper during torrential rain.
I am cold, bitterly cold. Cold water makes my skin burn like it is on fire.
A fire which can’t be put out as it doesn’t exist to start with.

Something starts to open up. There is a flicker of light in what seems to be a tunnel.
Far far away, the more i reach for it, the further away it seems to get.
A sense of confusion followed by disbelief and then panic.
Is this real? What is happening? Who’s there!?

A sense of calm washes over me. It is getting lighter. Much lighter and brighter.
The tightness around my neck vanishes. I am no longer restrained.
I am no longer cold. A sense of warmth pumping through my veins also washes over me.
I open my mouth and hear myself for the first time. I now have a voice.

I am free.

Anxiety and sadness makes hours blur into weeks.

I didn’t realise it has been a month since i last wrote anything.

I was sure it was only last week.
I haven’t been feeling the best overall.
Some days are much better than others, but many of those days i have felt numb, anxious, sad, alone, disrespected… and at times scared. All for no apparent reason other than it’s just how my body/mind felt.

The days i have felt like shit, they were the ones which seemed to drag on and on… yet flew by so very fast. Hence why it is now about a month since i last wrote anything.

I have been turning to soft drink, lollies, chips and other junk foods for comfort. I know it is the wrong thing to do, but it seems to be the easiest.
The satisfaction is there… for a small moment, then i just feel guilt.
The guilt of putting crap foods into my body.
Why?
It isn’t nourishing. It isn’t doing my body any good doing so yet i continue to do it.  Almost. Every. Single. Day.

Backflip

Less than 24 hours ago, i was in a room surrounded by women my age as well as a generation younger.
We were having a discussion which would have us learn about each other, about the other generation as well as learning about ourselves. It was extremely interesting.

If you’ve been following me for a while- you probably would’ve come to know that i have issues believing in myself, my mental health hasn’t been the best most of the time…..

Last night i had a new lease of life. I believed a small part of me could be successful like other women in the group from within my age group, i had a feeling that i WAS capable of almost anything i set my mind to.

This afternoon however, i came crashing back down to Earth. My 15yr old had to get her hair cut. The last time she had it cut would have been almost 3 years ago i guess. She got the grumps at the hairdressers so i told her we could just go home and not worry about getting it cut but she said it had to be cut as we were there anyway.
So, she had the slightest trim off the bottom to just level it off. It was something i could have easily done at home. I wasn’t angry that she made me feel like a worthless piece of shit at the Hair Salon, i was disappointed that she didn’t see anything wrong with putting me down in such a way in public. I shouldn’t have been surprised though as she has done it many times before and i am sure she will probably do it again in the future- it’s just who she is i guess.

When we got home, she started complaining about me making her get her hair cut. I was back at home so just went into the bedroom and started crying. I felt so bad, so worthless. I felt i was such a failure. Hours later, i still feel just as bad about myself. So much so, that i feel i should be punished in some way. I don’t know how but i feel like i should be treated like shit as i am not worthy of anything better.

I hate feeling like this but for so many years it has been my normal. Once in a blue moon (like last night), I am shown a glimmer of hope, a flicker of how my life could be if i wasn’t always so down and miserable.

I wish i could just snap out of it and cheer up. But i can’t.

This is what depression and anxiety looks like.

Time and Tide

Time flies so fast
The tide washes away what i live for
Tuesday quickly turns into Thursday
Tundra landscapes disappear for another winter

Under the cover of darkness i cry
Ugly memories surface at the most inappropriate times
Uttering under my breath, i try and make it all stop
Useless is how i feel most days of the week

Silence is something i never experience anymore
Sometimes i just wish i was dead
Studying others faces is something i do way too much
Sunny blue skies no longer make me as happy as they used to do

 

existing… not living.

I feel that i am only existing, not living, not enjoying life, not loving being alive.

Knowing that i feel this numb is killing me from the inside, i try to keep a mask so no one can see the pain i hold from within.

I want to enjoy life, i want to enjoy living, i want to enjoy the little things bt i just feel that whenever i even think about enjoying something- it feels wrong. like i shouldn’t be allowed to do so. But i don’t know why.

I allow people into my life who hurt me, i allow people in my life who make me feel worthless.
I push people who make me feel wanted and loved out of my life for fear of hurting them. In doing this, i also deny myself love.

It is a vicious circle that i can’t seem to drag myself away from.

I need to learn how to live again.