Over the past few weeks i have realised that i am once again, losing sight of who i am.
It was really only last night that i realised this though.
I am not happy in my current job so thought i would look for a job i feel i am more suited to. I was able to find something i would like to do, but then when i thought about it more, i realised i am not able to apply for it.
I have a child who is doing really well in her chosen sport. So much so that she was chosen for the state training squad this year. I am very proud of her, but it made me pause before clicking on the “apply now” button on the job vacancy last night.
Even if i was to secure the job, i doubt i’d be able to take it. I don’t think the new employer would be happy if i was to tell them i had to leave 2-3 hours early each day and then on top of that, i wasn’t able to work weekends at all due to my husband and children’s sporting commitments (AKA: me needing to drive the children to their games throughout the entire day).
It made me wonder what i have become.
I have a job (which i should be thankful for as it was offered to me- i didn’t need to go job hunting), but some of the staff at my workplace take me for granted and we are forced to sacrifice half our lunch break at times so we can get back to work before our lunch break is officially finished.
I feel that i am on Earth now to just drive my children around where ever they need to be, to be able to drop what i am doing and do what my children tell me to.
A while ago i put in a submission to be a beta tester for a new mental health art kit. The artist told me she really wanted me to be a part of it and was looking forward to seeing and hearing about what i thought of the kit. I feel as though i was forgotten about and she has since started selling the kits (which means the beta testing must have already taken place). I am still quite hurt to think that she didn’t even contact me to say sorry, but we had an overwhelming response and you unfortunately didn’t make the final cut. I would have been happy with that, but i got nothing. I am more than patient so a small part of me is still hoping that a kit will arrive for my testing and opinion. Each day that passes though, makes me feel that i wasn’t good enough even though she personally told me she was looking forward to me testing it out for her.
I have been knitting a fair bit lately, i have made items for my family, gifts for friends as well as making some items to sell. I even made a page on a social media site and although i have managed to get a number of friends and random people like my page, no one has yet shown any interest in buying any of my items. I only made the page as i had a lot of people tell me how wonderful my handmade items were and how they would love to see them for sale. Now that the items ARE for sale, no one is showing any interest at all.
I won’t give up hope though, I plan to make more items and list those for sale as well. I can’t help but wonder if the way i photographed the items was what put prospective buyers off buying my goods? Maybe i just need to shoot the items differently?
I am sure i have a calling and that my skills will be useful somewhere; i just haven’t figured out what my calling is as yet.
I would love to work for myself as it would be easiest for me with the Doctor and specialist appointments i have had crop up in recent weeks and which will continue into the foreseeable future.
My current work is only casual so i tell my boss well in advance when i am unavailable, but she has recently started to get snappy when people tell her they are unavailable to work.
I feel as though i am disappearing, as though i am fading into nothingness. People will soon forget about me and not want to know me, even if i am standing in front of them.
I don’t want to be in the spotlight but i don’t want to be brushed aside and left for dead either.
That’s what i feel is currently happening to me.