Silent Fear

Life goes on. We all know this, but some days it feels as right now could very possibly be the last moments of your life.

Things get unbearable, negative thoughts rule over anything else which would otherwise make you take a few deep breaths and know things will be okay.

It is hard to breathe, it is hard to think straight. It is hard to believe anything people tell you. You find it even harder to explain to others how you are feeling and it is impossible to tell others that you need help. Right. Now.

It seems that everyone else has their shit together. Everyone else has their life in order.
Except you.
No one’s life is more fucked up than yours at this very moment.

Well, that’s what the voices in MY head tell me on an almost daily basis.

I hate it. I wish i could be happy and feel confident.

But it seems something is always holding me back.

The voice is always telling me i am never good enough. Or that i am too fat. Too ugly. Will never have the abilities to do what i dream of doing.

I want to prove those voices wrong.
But the voices are usually too strong and i constantly put myself down.

No Control

Shaking.
Uncontrollable urges that don’t allow me to stand still.
I shake when i don’t want to.
Because of people who can’t control their anger.

I cry.
Tears of fear roll down my cheeks.
Those who made me cry show no remorse.
Heartless creatures with no soul whatsoever.

Anxiety grows.
I can’t function as i used to.
I constantly watch over my shoulder.
I fear the animal who has no intention of stopping the torment.

Depression sets in.
The threats, the anger, the heartlessness.
It’s all too much to handle, my body can’t take it.
My mind starts to thin violent thoughts of self-harm.

Death seems safer.
It seems like a better option than living.
It makes me feel like it’s the option to take the pain away.
There seems to be no other way t make things better.

I plead.
I plead for help.
I scream out for help but i have no voice.
No one can see my pain or hear me reaching out for the help i need.

It’s gone full circle.
My body trembles and shakes.
I am back to where i started, I’m shaking.
Those uncontrollable urges are back and i can’t stand still…

Overthinking

I was just briefly chatting to a friend on a social media site and she mentioned how crazy it is that we often bump into each other online at some crazy hour of the night/morning… like now.

I do agree with her. Why do we often find it so hard to relax our minds and bodies of an evening, why is it so hard to get ready for a restful night’s sleep? Why does it seem hard to allow our bodies the time it needs to recharge and get ready for the following day?

I jokingly said to her i believe that i am most creative at this hour, she thought a similar thing adding that we must also stay awake due to the snoring coming from the rest of the household sleeping.

And yes, I am typing this while i sit on the bed, my husband laying down next to me, snoring- quite loudly at times… and also passing wind much louder and more projected than what he seems capable of when he is awake.

That’s not the only reason why i am awake though, i feel the biggest cause of my insomnia is due to so many things going through my mind. Some of the things i can pinpoint but most of them i can’t. I am sure it’s something in my subconscious mind that i must try to block out most of the time, but once i relax enough and start to feel creative… that’s when those locked away thoughts come flooding back to the forefront of my mind and interrupt my train of thought, stall my ability to get tired enough to fall asleep or influence my mind so much that i trigger myself and end up having an anxiety attack.
It really is not a good feeling, not being able to  control my own thoughts. It often makes me feel child-like again, child-like in a bad way. It makes me feel useless and unwanted plus that main thing i have noticed is that these bad thoughts seem to be magnetic- they attract other people to take out their frustrations on me. Other people seem to put me down or blame me for things i have no control over when i am feeling bad about myself.

I need to learn how to live in the moment more. I need to learn to stop over thinking.

But how does one NOT overthink?

Blergh

Do you ever have days where you want to do so much, but when it comes to the crunch, you get absolutely stuff all done!?

That’s me now.

I WANT to get shit done, but when i try to start anything, something seems to happen that makes my plans go out the window.

Then i just tend to give up. Not only on the task i was trying to get done… but on everything.

Then i eat junk food- usually consisting of a family/share pack of chips and/or a family sized block of chocolate or bag of lollies. Then i feel REALLY guilty.

My mind just does not want to work, my body feels “blergh” and my outlook on life isn’t something i am proud of.

I wish i had a way to turn these feelings around.

Change can be scary

The past couple of weeks have been crazy and somewhat scary.

Things haven’t changed too much in what i have been used to doing, but the reasons i am doing what i am have changed.

2 weeks ago i began a paid Casual job. This is the first paid job i have had since 2002.
It isn’t too different to what i have been doing as a volunteer for the past two years, there are a few extra tasks involved, but nothing too scary.
Now i get to handle money more, take EFTPOS payments, be more involved in allergy alert and Gluten Free food orders.

I guess the scary thing is more those tasks which have to be learnt and remembered and then be able to be done automatically without much thought going into them. Things such as delivering staff lunches to the correct staff rooms.
There are close to 10 staff rooms and knowing which lunches have to be delivered to each room is daunting to someone who isn’t aware of the workplace layout/staffroom locations. It got so bad today when i was asked to deliver the lunches on my own that i actually had an anxiety attack. I felt so ashamed. I felt inadequate. I wished the world would just open up and make me disappear. But it didn’t. What did happen? I let it get to me and let it upset me. I tried not to, but i cried. I couldn’t keep the tears away. This made me feel even worse.
Thankfully my boss is understanding and pulled me aside for a quiet chat. I told her of my worries and she said i should not have been told to take the lunches on my own this early in, how i should have had at least a week or two experience, shadowing another staff member and getting used to what i should deliver and where.

On top of that, it didn’t help that i had so much more going on in my mind.
Stress, money issues, random negative thoughts… It all snowballed and made things seem so much worse than what they were.

I have also been sick for the past month or so. It turns out i have tonsillitis. Thankfully i was recently able to see my regular doctor who gave me stronger medicine and did some tests which i am hoping will let us know what exactly is wrong with me and if it is something bad, or if my body is just run down and weak at the moment and not able to fight off simple viruses and infections.

I just feel like going for a day trip… getting back to nature. My body and soul is craving that. Going somewhere to just watch the water, watch the wind blow the leaves about in a forest, to water water ripple and ants marching in a line.
I just need time to recharge again.

I feel that my batteries are depleted. They are completely flat and no matter what i do, it just isn’t enough to give it my all each day. I am not running at the best of my ability. I am struggling.

There you go, i said it. I’m struggling. I am finding it hard to cope. Hard to cope with work. Hard to cope with life. Hard to cope with the thoughts racing through my mind- most of those thoughts which are by no means helpful to me or those who i influence.

If you are reading this and realise you or someone you know is in a similar position. Please, please stop and take some time for yourself. Take time to regenerate your soul. If you are unable to to work to the best of your ability, to be the best you know you can be, it WILL come through in your work, in your art, it will show through in your actions, your words and those who know you, will wonder what is wrong.
Do not be too proud to admit you need time out, to admit you need time to recharge.

You are worth it.

More lows than highs

It has been two months since i last wrote.

So much yet so little has happened.

My mind is constantly in overdrive with a million thoughts an hour racing through my mind.
I wish i could get them into this blog, but i have been feeling so shit lately that i can’t be bothered writing as i feel that no one would be interested reading about my thoughts…
I feel that i am not worth it anymore.

It is my fault i feel this way.
Sometimes i make unnecessary comments. I made a comment on a friend’s status recently…at the moment i wrote it, i thought it was funny, a bit tongue in cheek… but today i noticed one of her friends had commented on my comment pointing out grammar mistakes that i had not picked up on.

Having so many thoughts about the harsh words and negative comments my mum used to say to me on a daily basis, this was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I wanted to reply to try and stand up for myself, but i realised the other person (who i did not even know) was most likely right and all those things my Mum used to say to me MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT.

I doubt the person who made that comment will ever know they drove me to have bad thoughts again today… thoughts that i have not had for a number of weeks. But that trigger… it’ll be at the front of my mind for quite some time now as i was raised to concentrate on the bad things i do… not always the good.

I have been trying hard to get myself in a better headspace since Nan passed away, but there always seems to be a trigger which sends me backwards ten-fold.

I truly hope there are NO other humans or animals in this galaxy who get the same thoughts i do as it can be genuinely crippling to what could have been an otherwise positive day.
I am guessing though that in reality, there ARE people travelling a similar road to me, but we each have our own issues and demons we are trying to fight off on a daily basis.

I just want you all to know that you are not alone.
I wish i could take your pain away- you don’t deserve to be unhappy.
I am willing to be unhappy for you all.

What a day!

It has been one big exhausting day for me today.
It wasn’t a very busy one… just a regular day… but my anxiety peaked more than it has in quite sometime.

Today’s hot weather and humidity didn’t help… neither did me hardly eating anything and not drinking much today but i just felt so bad that i felt i didn’t deserve to eat or drink.

It got so bad this evening that i couldn’t stop my hands from shaking… it wasn’t too noticeable, except when i was holding things… and at the time i was helping my little ones write their lists for who they want to give Christmas cards to… i just had to clench my hands and hope they didn’t notice as they didn’t deserve to be dragged into my problems.

Here i was thinking i was getting my life back together… getting into a bit of a routine again, starting to feel a little bit better about myself… then today it was like i got hit by a truck and now i feel i am ten steps behind where i was a few days ago.

This has not only affected me mentally, but also physically as i have been aching quite a bit lately. It is worst when i am idle… I don’t notice the pain when i am doing things.

I just hope that things ease up a bit over the next few days…
I thought this Christmas would be a hard one for me, but i didn’t expect things to start going wrong just yet…

As day turns to night

As day turns to night things get darker
Senses heighten to heights and depths never before explored.

Noises which would usually be ignored
Become the noises which keep you awake, filled with fear.

Everything changes
Nothing ever seems to stay the same.

The darkness brings with it a cover of coldness
Unknowing and unwillingness to delve deeper.

Where you once felt safe now fills your mind with dread
Anxiety peaks and depression makes you want to end it all right now.

Knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel is no consolation
Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

This could be the beginning of the end.
This could be the end of life as we know it.

The View of a Lifetime

Imagine sitting on the most comfortable chair you could ever imagine- yes it does exist.

It does here anyway.

It is situated near a large window. It is large, elegant, although not too over the top. It is big enough to share with a child or two, yet small enough to get very cosy on.
I’m not sure if there is a house surrounding this window or if the window frame is simply a feature in my ideal garden?

Does it really matter though? I think not.

Nearby there are also tables, easels, stools and an endless supply of art materials. Canvases, acrylic & oil paints, brushes, papers, oil pastels, pencils, markers, a large variety of needlecraft materials and supplies- needles, sequins, skeins of threads and wools, everything I could ever want and so much more as this would be a place I would share with other likeminded people.

Looking out the window I see fields of rolling hills, covered in masses of flowering plants. Out towards the horizon are animals grazing. Both native and introduced species are living harmoniously along side each other.

This is the ideal backdrop for what I need. It is so inspirational, I can’t help but shed a tear. A tear of disbelief- I can’t believe that this place does actually exist.
It is from this place that I will let my inner artist escape once again. I will write, I will paint. I will use the overall feeling of this rural paradise to fuel my emotions and help me release my artistic flair to the world.

This is not only my paradise, it is a sanctuary, a safe haven.
It is the type of ideal life I would love to raise my family in.
A place where family and friends can visit, stay for a few days or a month.
A place to find yourself and get back to nature, being at one with nature, with the plants and animals; living in harmony without a care in the world.

This is Utopia. Eden. My home away from home.

 

 

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