In the blink of an eye

In the blink of an eye things can change.

Well, not actually change, but there may be one moment of your life where you suddenly say “Whoa!” and realise that the life you’re living is not really like the life most of your friends are living.

You never realised it before, but you’re actually a nobody in a world full of somebodies.

Before i met my husband, i was an equal with all the people i knew. I had been raised in a modest home with “Use your common sense” as pretty much the only hard and fast rule set out for my life from those who raised me.
I had lots of pets so was always kept busy (and out of trouble) looking after those animals. I earnt money from buying, breeding and selling pets. I enjoyed it, it was fun, i learnt many lessons doing so.
I had a small group of close friends.

Fast forward to when my husband and I started dating. We often went to music concerts. I assumed it was because he enjoyed music (I have a big love of music too), but more often than not, each concert we’d go to, we’d end up backstage after the show chatting with the artist/band/singer for a while- sometimes a short while, other times for hours. It all depended on the night.
He never made a big deal out of it, so i guess that’s why i guess i just took it in my stride and assumed that was how people usually behaved at concerts (NB: I had never really been to concerts before meeting him.) Occasionally we’d travel hundreds or thousands of Kms around the country following particular bands or singers. They were always glad to see him at their shows.

The more children we had, the less live music we got to see. I was OK with that. We could still listen to our favourite music at home or in the car.

As the children started to grow up a bit more, hubby’s amount of participation in his favourite sport increased too. Not only did he still play for the local Club, he was now also playing in Representative teams and Master’s Competitions as well as receiving calls to play elsewhere in Invitational tournaments. He seemed to be getting quite a reputation for not only all the time and effort he puts into promoting the sport and increasing participation across all programs/age groups, but also for how he himself plays.
He had also been called up on a few occasions to take part in campaigns and promotions, some of which have been used Nationally, on TV and online.

This brings me back to the beginning of this post.
How, in the blink of an eye, your life can change when you realise just how different things are now to what they once were.

Going through the contacts in mine and Hubby’s phone, there are quite a few well known names. People who i never expected to meet face to face in my life, let alone have their personal contact details.
Those of Musicians who i admired growing up and into my adult life, Artists who i have highly respected and admired for as long as i can remember, TV/Social Media Personalities, Elite Sportsmen and women who currently play or did play at State, National and International levels and other well respected people.
I know, at the end of the day, all these people are just like you and I, but some days when I get a chance to just sit down, think and reflect, I can’t quite believe that these people have been willing to want to give us their contact details, let alone want to know as as more than just “that random spectator or audience member”.

It all seems to happen in the blink of an eye.

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Simple Pleasures

  • A smile from a stranger
  • The sun shining on your back
  • Warm hands on a cold day
  • Patting a baby animal
  • Finding money you forgot you put in a safe place
  • Talking to a close friend
  • Hearing a favourite song on the radio
  • Having a loved one kiss or hug you for no reason
  • Looking through old photos
  • A full tank of fuel
  • Licking cake batter off a spoon
  • Seeing a shooting star
  • Stopping to smell the roses
  • Jumping in puddles

Empty and Alone.

I have not felt this empty or alone for a very long time.
My husband has gone away for a week just when i am at a very low point emotionally. He went away just as i really wanted him to be around. I needed him here.

My physical pain is at a high level at the moment, it has been for weeks (well, i have been in constant pain for many years, but it has flared up in recent weeks) but i just never said anything as i didn’t want to worry anyone.
Now i have dug myself into a hole. If i mention my pain now, it’s like i am too weak and unable to care for my children on my own (even though the in-laws are here in the house as well).

I already feel like a failure as i most likely won’t see my two youngest children at all tomorrow. I leave for work before they wake up and i won’t get back until after they should be in bed tomorrow as i have to take my eldest to training. If they do go to bed when they’re told, i won’t actually see them until the following afternoon. 😦 That has literally just hit home.
My hubby has gone away and now i may not see my children for almost 40 hours! I really AM a bad mum.

Now i really do feel alone… more than i did 20 minutes ago when i thought it was bad then.

Maybe i should try and get some sleep… i have been awake for close to 19 hours now. I have to be up in a bit over 6 hours and i haven’t had much sleep the past day or two.

Drowning

A sea of blackness wraps itself around me.
It’s embrace tightens itself like a noose around my neck.
The coldness of an arctic sea runs through me.
I feel colder, much colder, limp and more lifeless than ever before.

I try to call out but there is no noise.
I have no voice, there is no one left to hear my cries for help.
I try to grab something to stop me falling.
To stop me falling to my bitter end, but nothing is within reach.

The stark vastness, the nothingness, the neglected soulless body hangs limply.
As limp as a wet sheet of paper during torrential rain.
I am cold, bitterly cold. Cold water makes my skin burn like it is on fire.
A fire which can’t be put out as it doesn’t exist to start with.

Something starts to open up. There is a flicker of light in what seems to be a tunnel.
Far far away, the more i reach for it, the further away it seems to get.
A sense of confusion followed by disbelief and then panic.
Is this real? What is happening? Who’s there!?

A sense of calm washes over me. It is getting lighter. Much lighter and brighter.
The tightness around my neck vanishes. I am no longer restrained.
I am no longer cold. A sense of warmth pumping through my veins also washes over me.
I open my mouth and hear myself for the first time. I now have a voice.

I am free.

Anxiety and sadness makes hours blur into weeks.

I didn’t realise it has been a month since i last wrote anything.

I was sure it was only last week.
I haven’t been feeling the best overall.
Some days are much better than others, but many of those days i have felt numb, anxious, sad, alone, disrespected… and at times scared. All for no apparent reason other than it’s just how my body/mind felt.

The days i have felt like shit, they were the ones which seemed to drag on and on… yet flew by so very fast. Hence why it is now about a month since i last wrote anything.

I have been turning to soft drink, lollies, chips and other junk foods for comfort. I know it is the wrong thing to do, but it seems to be the easiest.
The satisfaction is there… for a small moment, then i just feel guilt.
The guilt of putting crap foods into my body.
Why?
It isn’t nourishing. It isn’t doing my body any good doing so yet i continue to do it.  Almost. Every. Single. Day.

Backflip

Less than 24 hours ago, i was in a room surrounded by women my age as well as a generation younger.
We were having a discussion which would have us learn about each other, about the other generation as well as learning about ourselves. It was extremely interesting.

If you’ve been following me for a while- you probably would’ve come to know that i have issues believing in myself, my mental health hasn’t been the best most of the time…..

Last night i had a new lease of life. I believed a small part of me could be successful like other women in the group from within my age group, i had a feeling that i WAS capable of almost anything i set my mind to.

This afternoon however, i came crashing back down to Earth. My 15yr old had to get her hair cut. The last time she had it cut would have been almost 3 years ago i guess. She got the grumps at the hairdressers so i told her we could just go home and not worry about getting it cut but she said it had to be cut as we were there anyway.
So, she had the slightest trim off the bottom to just level it off. It was something i could have easily done at home. I wasn’t angry that she made me feel like a worthless piece of shit at the Hair Salon, i was disappointed that she didn’t see anything wrong with putting me down in such a way in public. I shouldn’t have been surprised though as she has done it many times before and i am sure she will probably do it again in the future- it’s just who she is i guess.

When we got home, she started complaining about me making her get her hair cut. I was back at home so just went into the bedroom and started crying. I felt so bad, so worthless. I felt i was such a failure. Hours later, i still feel just as bad about myself. So much so, that i feel i should be punished in some way. I don’t know how but i feel like i should be treated like shit as i am not worthy of anything better.

I hate feeling like this but for so many years it has been my normal. Once in a blue moon (like last night), I am shown a glimmer of hope, a flicker of how my life could be if i wasn’t always so down and miserable.

I wish i could just snap out of it and cheer up. But i can’t.

This is what depression and anxiety looks like.

Time and Tide

Time flies so fast
The tide washes away what i live for
Tuesday quickly turns into Thursday
Tundra landscapes disappear for another winter

Under the cover of darkness i cry
Ugly memories surface at the most inappropriate times
Uttering under my breath, i try and make it all stop
Useless is how i feel most days of the week

Silence is something i never experience anymore
Sometimes i just wish i was dead
Studying others faces is something i do way too much
Sunny blue skies no longer make me as happy as they used to do

 

To whisper you a challenge

A challenge i put out there
For you to not speak aloud
Keep your voice to just a whisper
Stay as quiet as a mouse.

Say something you’ve been afraid to say
Say something out of character
Mention the one you’d die for
Say the honest truth.

Utter a line from your favourite song
Whimper like a pup so scared
Ponder how Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
Just tell someone you simply do not care.

Play a game just for fun
Keep things light of heart
Stay up late, enjoy yourself
But please… do not fart!

existing… not living.

I feel that i am only existing, not living, not enjoying life, not loving being alive.

Knowing that i feel this numb is killing me from the inside, i try to keep a mask so no one can see the pain i hold from within.

I want to enjoy life, i want to enjoy living, i want to enjoy the little things bt i just feel that whenever i even think about enjoying something- it feels wrong. like i shouldn’t be allowed to do so. But i don’t know why.

I allow people into my life who hurt me, i allow people in my life who make me feel worthless.
I push people who make me feel wanted and loved out of my life for fear of hurting them. In doing this, i also deny myself love.

It is a vicious circle that i can’t seem to drag myself away from.

I need to learn how to live again.