I am the reason.

I am the reason the house is filled with stress.

I am the reason why others get angry at my children.

I am the reason why my children don’t feel they need to be respectful.

I am the reason others are filled with hatred.

I am the adult who still lets the bullies push me around for fear of them hurting those I love if I speak up.

I am the result of a lifetime of bullying.

I know what it’s like to wish I was dead rather than put up with the hurtful words and actions of my bullies.

But I would never wish the same upon them as I doubt they would survive it like I have.

They are not strong enough to put on a brave face and act as if it is not affecting them one bit.

They are simply scared individuals who have not been taught ways of expressing their feelings without hurting others. They act in a cowardly manner as they know no better.

Pushing through

Suicide.

It’s definitely not a word to be taken half heartedly, nor joked about.

It is not the “easy way out”, it is beyond a cry for help.

It is something that often comes up in my mind. My mind constantly tells me the whole world would be better off without me.

It doesn’t help that people talk down to me. I don’t care if you don’t like me, just don’t constantly remind my children what a waste of space I am. That is why they don’t respect me, that’s why they often tell me how bad a person I actually am.

It gets so bad that I find myself believing their lies. It’s easier to believe vicious lies than to try and fight for myself, speaking up for myself has seldom worked, and even if I did find an ounce of courage- it doesn’t take much to make my self esteem stoop lower than it ever has before.

Maybe I’m meant to die a slow miserable death, starting with my soul and loves being killed off first until I am just an empty hollow shell of my former self?

How knowledge changes things.

Last night i decided to do a little bit of random googling…
I ended up googling my grandmother’s name and found out that her assets have been sorted out and divided up and given out to those stated in her will.

All my life both my grandparents said they would look after me every way they could.
When i became an adult, my Nan told me i would be fine once she was no longer with us. She said i wouldn’t have to worry too much.
Last night i found out the will had been changed the day after her 80th birthday.
Now some of the things she was telling me when i was caring for her is starting to make sense. I am thinking she may have been forced to change her will. There are 2 family members who would not have been happy with the original will she had written and they would have pressured her into changing it. They were always like that and they still are.
The two of them always backed each other up, but it was only one of them who seemed to do all the deciding and choosing what would happen and when. She warned me about a particular family member… to be careful of that person once she was gone.
I think this is what she was meaning.

I hope those who were in her will can live their lives with a bit less financial hardship. I know there are a couple of people who will be much better off now, as long as they look after the money and spend it wisely.
There is one in particular who doesn’t need any of it but i am sure they will waste it on holidays and other material possessions. Hopefully they will divide it up among their children or grandchildren? Maybe help them out by putting it towards education or a family home?

I’m not bitter. Slightly upset that she let someone else tell her how to live her life and what to do, but not bitter.

It’s not worth it. Those people aren’t worth it.

 

The unwanted one.

For most of my life i have felt like i have been unwanted.

My Mum would constantly remind me that i was not wanted, that i was a mistake and should have never happened.
Throughout my childhood i was often bullied for who i was and i was shunted around many “groups of friends” at school.
I often ended up sitting in corridors alone during recess and lunch or spending all my time in the school library. I felt safer on my own than i did around so called friends.
(Sometimes i still feel that is the case now.)

Yesterday i spoke to my Mum on the phone and she was telling me how she is having to rely on her siblings or nephews to help her do a few things around the house.
I reminded her that she DOES have a Daughter, Son-in-law and grandchildren who can help her.
Her response? “I know but…”
Three little words. They don’t really mean much as those 3 little individual words, but when said how she did, it was very degrading. Like she is still pushing me out of her life. I told her that if she doesn’t want to see us or if she doesn’t want anymore contact, to just say so. The rest of the family have kicked me out of their lives but at least i know where i stand with them. It is sad that they believes lies that were spread about me, but everyone has a right to have their own opinions and believe whatever they wish.
I just want to know where i stand with my Mum.

Last night my husband went to bed upset with me.
He noticed that my ex-boyfriend who also happens to be a family friend had sent me an email (simply asking how i had been coping since my Nan passed away) and he wasn’t happy about that.
Maybe i am completely stupid, naive, call it what you will, but if my hubby wanted to occasionally talk to one of his exes, i wouldn’t have a problem with it. I trust that at the end of the day, it is ME that he wants to spend his life with and be with. I don’t have feelings for anyone other than my husband. He is the only person i can ever imagine being intimate with now.
I don’t see any problem with having friends of any orientation or gender- they are simply people who i get along with.
Friends are just that. Friends. People who you have a common interest with. People who you can comfortable talk to and mingle with.

I just hate feeling unwanted all the time.

I want to feel wanted.

I don’t want the worst of my childhood continuing to haunt me throughout my adult life.
I try my hardest to move forwards and find positive things… but it seems that once the positive things start to happen, then something horrible happens again and i am back to square one. Often i am back feeling lower and worse than i did the previous time i felt like absolute shit.

I just want all this negativity to end. Well, the worst of it anyway. I know you can’t have good without bad, but surely the bad parts don’t have to be so much stronger and affect me so much more than what any positive moments do.

It is like i am taking 3 steps forward but 7 steps back…

I was just about on top of my depression and anxiety, now it is like it is no longer creeping back, but about to completely ambush me all at once. But i just don’t know when it will happen.

That is what makes me scared… not knowing when it is going to hit.

Don’t Bully.

There is a great website out there called Don’t Bully (http://dontbully.com.au/); they also have a Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/DontBullyInitiative?fref=ts).

It is an initiative I wholeheartedly believe in as I was a victim of bullying during my school years.
It is something that we can wipe out over time by simply being nice to each other.

Unfortunately there are people out there, sitting at a computer, walking the streets, driving a car who do take some joy in bullying others. There is no need for it at all.

The old saying “Sticks & stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” is sadly no longer the case.
It is easy enough to put on a mask and tell people that everything is fine, but deep down, words do hurt.
Words can be very damaging for someone who has a low esteem to start with, bullying digs a deeper hole and the victim finds it harder and harder to see the light.

Thankfully now there are people who are taking a stand against bullying.

At the Don’t Bully website you will find interesting articles, merchandise for sale, information about bullying and online courses as well as individuals and businesses/groups who are supporters of Don’t Bully.

 

Feeling hollow and worthless.

It has been quite a while since I wrote a blog entry about what is on my mind. I think it’s been 6 weeks or so now.

I just don’t know what to think.
I feel that I have let my husband and children down by not being able to be the person they feel I should be for them.

My anxiety and depression has seemed to take over me.
I decided to make a positive change in my life by focusing on eating healthy, controlling my portion sizes (I’ve been known to indulge on foods I really enjoy a little too much), and trying to better my fitness by exercising at least a few times a week. I have been enjoying going for brisk walks and doing gardening.

I even signed up to participate in a government health initiative to help me keep aiming for my goals of losing weight and getting fitter. I am not following the plans exactly, but I don’t try to dwell on my “stuff ups” too much, I just try to see tomorrow as a fresh start and keep going.

But I feel lost.

I feel as though a part of me is dying. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I find that I am continuously imagining scenarios of where we are a happy family- where we have no worries in life, where the kids aren’t constantly fighting or in tears. I just want us to all be happy- my hubby, our 4 kids and me.

I believe we deserve to be happy.

Unfortunately though- I can’t help but feel that I am the common denominator as to why everyone is always upset, feeling hurt, frustrated and just becoming angry in general.

I feel I am re-living my childhood again. Not all of it though- just the bad bits. The bits I would rather forget. The bits I never wanted MY children to experience.

It scares me.

I don’t want to fall into a hole so deep that I can’t find a way out. I have been there before, as a teenager, when I was constantly being bullied by my peers at school.
It was at that time in my life that I didn’t want to live any longer- the only thing I felt I had to live for was my grandparents and my pets. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t think I would be here today.

I want to enjoy life again. I want to go on picnics with my family. I want to teach my children lots of things that I learnt as a child.

I just feel that whenever I suggest something, it isn’t taken seriously.

I don’t know what to say anymore without feeling stupid about it.

I want to be taken seriously.

If I am passionate about something, I’ll fight for it. If I truly believe that it is unachievable, I won’t chase it. I’ll just let it go… for now.

Everything happens for a reason- if it isn’t meant to be then it won’t happen… but dreams CAN and DO come true.

Daily Prompt: Last but not least.

In response to today’s Daily Prompt: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/last-but-not-least/

I would like to finally thank all the bullies who have made my life hell throughout my life so far.
If it wasn’t for you all being so mean, the hurtful words, the shoves, kicks, threats and other crap I endured… then I would have never have realised just how strong I really am.

If it wasn’t for all the negativity, I would have never known just how strong I really am, I would have never known what my pain threshold was and I am sure I would not be able to put up with the chronic pain I endure today if I hadn’t have learnt to grow a thick skin when I was younger.
Thanks to you all, I know how to turn off to pain.

I would never wish it upon my biggest enemies, never upon you- my bullies for you to ever be hurt how I was over the years; but I am glad it happened to me as I now know I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

Once I am able to find my self esteem again I will be able to soar over you all and excel in everything I do.

DAILY PROMPT: Accidental listening

Being an only child, I have always been a good listener. Sometimes too good a listener.

My whole life has been spent mostly around adults, a lot of that time I was supposed to be off playing or doing my own thing while the adults chatted amongst themselves.
As I grew older and became an adult myself, my love for listening and learning did not subside.

But it was different now. Now I was old enough to understand what was being said, to understand the backstabbing, the gossip and everything else that goes on.

Over the years I have heard quite a few things that I knew I shouldn’t have, I’ve heard some things I wished I hadn’t have.

Thankfully some of the things I have heard over the years have been erased from my mind, well, I guess they’re still there and I just need the right (or wrong) trigger to bring it all back again, but I’m quite happy to continue forgetting some of the things I have heard.

Some of the most hurtful things have been the workplace gossip that went around after a former workmate and friend took advantage of me. We worked in a small family business (neither of us were related to the owners of the business), he seemed like a lovely guy, very quiet and softly spoken but when he got me on my own- he didn’t seem to understand that No means No. I was young and naïve at the time so was ashamed at what I had let happen to me so I tried to keep it all a secret. I felt it must have been my fault. Soon after, the gossip started. It went around like wildfire crossed with Chinese whispers. Things were blown out of proportion, imagination went wild to make it sound better for him (I guess)… I had to end up leaving that workplace.

Other more recent things I have accidentally over heard include extended family gossiping and bitching about each other and then when they are in each others company, they act all sweet towards each other as though they’re the best thing on Earth.
I don’t like this at all and find it hard to trust these people. I mean, if they are talking like that about other members of the family, what are they saying about me!? How can I trust a two-faced person? I honestly don’t think I can. I tried to gently hint that people may not be as sweet as they seemed but anything I said was brushed aside, or I’d be told I was just being silly, or that I was jealous because I didn’t have the same relationship with the other person as what they had.

Another thing I “heard” was actually on social media.
I had an acquaintance who was spreading rumours about me and I just happened to stumble over some of the posts she was writing about me and plastering around a major social media site. Apparently she had been warning everyone about me, saying they should stay clear of me as I was a mentally retarded person who could not be trusted and how I had so many problems, etc.
My true friends have stuck by me as they realised what was being said about me was all lies. Those who took her side and believed everything she typed were soon unfriended and blocked.

I have been fortunate enough to accidentally hear some good things being said about me. It feels exceptionally great when you realise people do actually realise what you do, or when people do take an interest in something you do and tell others about how great it is.
For someone with a very low self esteem, they couldn’t overhear anything better. The only thing that would be better than overhearing someone talk nicely about you is for someone to tell you how much they enjoy what you do, how much they appreciate what you do.
It’s all well and good to ASSUME that they know they’re doing a good job, but if they’re never told they are… how do they know they are?

From my experiences- both positive and negative, I have learnt that honesty is the best policy.
It’s best to approach a person and have a quiet word with them about any problems or issues that may arise.
Get the information straight from the horses mouth.
If you accidentally hear something you know you shouldn’t have it can be hard to look the person in question in the face again without having strong feelings towards them. The feelings could be mixed or straight out love or hatred for example- it all depends on who said what.
If you feel good about what someone says or something they do, or if you think they do something really well- please, please TELL THEM! It might very well be the only positive thing they hear that day, that week, that month or even that year.

**This was written in response to today’s Daily Prompt: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/05/prompt-sleep/ **

When real life gets in the way of virtual life.

Isn’t it funny;
If we didn’t have internet connection, I wouldn’t be writing this blog, nor would you be reading it.

We seem to have come to rely on being connected to the virtual world almost 24/7 these days.
We seem to get upset, frustrated, worried and concerned if we don’t know what is happening online.

Our virtual lives may be better than the lives we live in real life, or they may be worse… they may even work hand in hand with each other.
I suppose it differs with each person.

A little while ago my virtual world was much more interesting and more attractive than what my real life has been,
but for the past week, it’s been the other way around.
I have been kept quite busy.
Some days it was doing things for other people… actually, most days it was doing things for others.
Sometimes I felt I was doing a good job, other times I felt I was being nothing but a burden to everyone whether I knew them or not.
On those bad days I felt like going into hibernation- hiding from the world until things got better again.
Those days were really bad for me as I would let everything get to me which has resulted in me getting next to nothing done.

It also stopped me contacting those who I feel close to (outside the house). I feel I have let my friends down as I haven’t been a very good friend lately, especially during my low days.

I wish I could just be happy like other people. I try to put a happy mask on and act as though nothing’s wrong, but lately it’s been hard for me to wear the mask.

My true feelings have been showing through too much.

The worst part is that when people ask how I am, all I seem to be able to manage is a shrug of my shoulders or saying “Same as always” or something to that effect.
I feel it is almost impossible for me to say exactly what I want to, to say exactly how I am feeling in fear that people will label me as being childish or trying to be an attention seeker.
The fact is that I am not trying to do either, I just feel like crap and can’t really explain why.

Some days I wish I could just drive somewhere nice, maybe a lovely shady park near a lake or creek or river, maybe in a little section of bush or a forest that is near by just so I can be at one with nature and try and reconnect with myself and nature in general.

I think the problem is a lot of the time I forget WHO I am.

I am always trying to please others and do what they need me to do for them. Much of the time what I do doesn’t seem to be enough, but the fact that I tried my hardest never seems to be good enough for them.

It’s quite soul-destroying really.
It is a vicious circle I’ve been stuck in for many years now.
As a child I tried my best and depending on who I was with, I was either a great little helper or nothing but trouble and a big hindrance. Sometimes behaving the same way would get mixed results- it just depended on who I was with at the time.

As a teen and young adult, I tried to please everyone I liked.
This often got me in trouble and as a result I was bullied. A. LOT.

During my school years, I tried to keep my bullies happy by buying them things so they wouldn’t hurt or tease me. Thankfully I received an allowance so I was able to bribe my bullies with lollies and such.
After I’d finished school and entered the workforce, I’d hoped that would have been the end of the bullying- after all, this was the “grown up, adult, working world” now.
How silly I was.

At first things were great. Everyone was friendly to the new girl. I tried to get to know all my workmates and then chose to be closer friends with a select few who I believed were really trust worthy.
Maybe I was just naïve, maybe I was too young and green to understand what others were capable of, how not everyone I would meet would be people I could trust.

I had, on a few different occasions, my so called friends take advantage of me.
I’d grown up a tom boy and had many true male friends growing up so felt more comfortable around guys than I did around other girls but that’s what got me in trouble. I was too trustworthy.

I kept it a secret for over a decade. I was too scared to tell anyone what they had done to me as I felt that it was my fault. I’d been told it was my fault as I told my boyfriend at the time what had happened and he didn’t seem to have any sympathy for me, nor did he offer to help me. He simply told me that I must have led them on and it was all my fault.

I have found it very hard to completely recover from.
I still get flash backs which affects my relationship with my husband (who I didn’t even know at the times I was abused).
For some strange reason, it feels wrong writing that I was abused. I guess I have always felt that it was my fault so I shouldn’t be making myself a victim now, even though I was a victim at the time.

I get angry at myself for letting it happen.
I get annoyed that the flashbacks still seem to rule my life at times, usually at the most inconvenient times.

It’s feelings like that that stop me from doing things I enjoy.
Even stop me from doing completely unrelated things such as going online and such. It just seems to get too much to handle and I feel that I can’t concentrate enough to get anything done.

I just wish there was an easy cure………