Fast forward 12 months…

and you arrive at today.

It was about a year ago that my Nan was first diagnosed with the breast cancer.

It was about a year ago that my life changed more than i thought it ever would.

I feel so alone, even though i know i have a few friends and family that do care.

Others not so much, but a few do.

I have very strong feelings that the next 3 months are going to be very hard as it was this time of year- last year, that i spent so much time with Nan. Helping her in every way that i could. Even if it was just sitting with her by her hospital bed, or on the lounge next to her when i was looking after her.

I will never forget the little chats we had, the things she told to me that i will take to the grave- just as she took them to hers.

I thought the grief would lessen and life would be easier to live as time went on. But it seems that it isn’t the case.

As i type this, tears are running down my cheeks, i cannot stop them, nor do i think i want to stop them.
They are tears showing how much i miss my Nan, how much i loved her, how much i still love her. How i wish i could have her back with me.

Sometimes life really sucks. I can’t help but wonder what i have done so bad to deserve these obstacles in my life.

I just want to be free.
I just want to feel loved.
I just want to know who i am.

I feel that i have lost all meaning of life.

I am scared.

Starting to believe…

I think i am finally starting to really believe in myself.

I believe that people DO appreciate me becoming a carer. I am learning to ignore the ignorant comments of those who are still in denial and are only thinking of themselves.

I know i am doing the best i can do from what i know BUT i do have the help of medical professionals, they come to the house and help me with things only they can do.

I look forward to seeing movement of the bed covers when i go to check on her in the middle of the night, it means she is still breathing.

I believe i can allow Nan the freedom to stay home for as long as she desires as i am doing the very best i can to offer her the love and care that she gave to me in my infancy and childhood when she raised me.

I believe that there are friends and family who i can rely on… it may take me a bit more time to feel comfortable leaving Nan in the care of others so i can run errands for her, but i believe i am getting there.
Baby steps.

All we have to do is take one little step at a time and not give up.