Change can be scary

The past couple of weeks have been crazy and somewhat scary.

Things haven’t changed too much in what i have been used to doing, but the reasons i am doing what i am have changed.

2 weeks ago i began a paid Casual job. This is the first paid job i have had since 2002.
It isn’t too different to what i have been doing as a volunteer for the past two years, there are a few extra tasks involved, but nothing too scary.
Now i get to handle money more, take EFTPOS payments, be more involved in allergy alert and Gluten Free food orders.

I guess the scary thing is more those tasks which have to be learnt and remembered and then be able to be done automatically without much thought going into them. Things such as delivering staff lunches to the correct staff rooms.
There are close to 10 staff rooms and knowing which lunches have to be delivered to each room is daunting to someone who isn’t aware of the workplace layout/staffroom locations. It got so bad today when i was asked to deliver the lunches on my own that i actually had an anxiety attack. I felt so ashamed. I felt inadequate. I wished the world would just open up and make me disappear. But it didn’t. What did happen? I let it get to me and let it upset me. I tried not to, but i cried. I couldn’t keep the tears away. This made me feel even worse.
Thankfully my boss is understanding and pulled me aside for a quiet chat. I told her of my worries and she said i should not have been told to take the lunches on my own this early in, how i should have had at least a week or two experience, shadowing another staff member and getting used to what i should deliver and where.

On top of that, it didn’t help that i had so much more going on in my mind.
Stress, money issues, random negative thoughts… It all snowballed and made things seem so much worse than what they were.

I have also been sick for the past month or so. It turns out i have tonsillitis. Thankfully i was recently able to see my regular doctor who gave me stronger medicine and did some tests which i am hoping will let us know what exactly is wrong with me and if it is something bad, or if my body is just run down and weak at the moment and not able to fight off simple viruses and infections.

I just feel like going for a day trip… getting back to nature. My body and soul is craving that. Going somewhere to just watch the water, watch the wind blow the leaves about in a forest, to water water ripple and ants marching in a line.
I just need time to recharge again.

I feel that my batteries are depleted. They are completely flat and no matter what i do, it just isn’t enough to give it my all each day. I am not running at the best of my ability. I am struggling.

There you go, i said it. I’m struggling. I am finding it hard to cope. Hard to cope with work. Hard to cope with life. Hard to cope with the thoughts racing through my mind- most of those thoughts which are by no means helpful to me or those who i influence.

If you are reading this and realise you or someone you know is in a similar position. Please, please stop and take some time for yourself. Take time to regenerate your soul. If you are unable to to work to the best of your ability, to be the best you know you can be, it WILL come through in your work, in your art, it will show through in your actions, your words and those who know you, will wonder what is wrong.
Do not be too proud to admit you need time out, to admit you need time to recharge.

You are worth it.

And just like that… it was done!

My TO-DO List:

1- Say what I actually believe in, stand up for myself & be confident.
2- Prove to myself that I CAN successfully follow my dreams.
3- Stop with the “what if’s” and start DOING STUFF!
4- Sell the majority of my “stuff”- the items I never use and will never miss.
5- Travel to the places I always said I’d like to go to.

That was then…………
Fast forward to now…………

I don’t know why I hesitated for so long.
Looking back on things- I think I was just stalling.

Was I scared of not knowing how things would turn out?
Was I listening too much to all those people that kept telling me my dreams were impossible and I would never be able to achieve them?

Look at me now!
I’ve got far less possessions to what I had back then (but my bank balance is now looking much better and allowing me to do this), I’m on the road chasing my dreams, spending my days and nights exploring this great land of ours and informing the world of my experiences and teaching them about lesser known facts along the way.

Thousands are following my journey of a lifetime, a journey that will hopefully last for the rest of my lifetime.
Thousands upon thousands have the opportunity to share my experiences through my artworks, through my writing.

This is who I am now.

Gone is the scared, suicidal teen who was certain her life was one huge mistake.
She has been replaced with a much more confident and experienced woman who has many life experiences that she now utilises to help others.
She shares her stories with those who ask about them, she shares her knowledge with those who want to learn.

She is capable of all this thanks to being able to see the light at the tunnel and start believing in herself.
It all started with a To Do List.

A simple to do list that ANYBODY can create, anyone can tailor a to do list to their requirements and if followed, it WILL change your life as it has changed mine.

DAILY PROMPT: Doing it my way.

If I could do something over again, it would have to be my wedding.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a lovely wedding.
It was at the location that I chose, it was small, relaxed and I got to wear my boots as I had wanted to.

I guess at the time I was trying to make people happy so I let my (soon to be) sister in law take over with some of the planning.
As soon as I got engaged to her brother, she pretty much told me that she and her best friend (at the time) would be my bridesmaids and her daughter and my toddler daughter would be in the bridal party as well. I didn’t want to upset anyone so I told her I guess that would be OK.

If I could do it all over again, I would choose the people I originally wanted as bridesmaids- my best friend and a good friend from high school.
I wouldn’t have any flower girls as I just wanted something simple, small, intimate, relaxed.
I wanted a day where I could marry the love of my life surrounded by our closest friends and family. Nothing fancy or over the top.

I would also change my wedding dress. I was pregnant when I got married and wanted to keep things as cheap as possible so bought a cream/off-white second hand ex-hire top and skirt. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it fit so I made it do.
I chose 2-piece red outfits for my bridesmaids. I would have liked to have had them worn Royal Blue but one of the Groomsmen had his hair dyed red at the time so I changed the wedding colour scheme to fit with his hair. (I’m nice like that.)

If I could do it all over again, I would wear red or blue myself and have my bridesmaids in white. It’s different, but it’s what I was thinking about at the time.

I was happy enough with the reception, I don’t think I’d change anything there- well, maybe I would like to actually get to eat something as I didn’t get a chance to eat on the actual day!

This year marks our 10 year Wedding Anniversary.
As yet we haven’t really planned to do anything but we have spoken about doing SOMETHING.
What that something will end up being- who knows???