What a day!

It has been one big exhausting day for me today.
It wasn’t a very busy one… just a regular day… but my anxiety peaked more than it has in quite sometime.

Today’s hot weather and humidity didn’t help… neither did me hardly eating anything and not drinking much today but i just felt so bad that i felt i didn’t deserve to eat or drink.

It got so bad this evening that i couldn’t stop my hands from shaking… it wasn’t too noticeable, except when i was holding things… and at the time i was helping my little ones write their lists for who they want to give Christmas cards to… i just had to clench my hands and hope they didn’t notice as they didn’t deserve to be dragged into my problems.

Here i was thinking i was getting my life back together… getting into a bit of a routine again, starting to feel a little bit better about myself… then today it was like i got hit by a truck and now i feel i am ten steps behind where i was a few days ago.

This has not only affected me mentally, but also physically as i have been aching quite a bit lately. It is worst when i am idle… I don’t notice the pain when i am doing things.

I just hope that things ease up a bit over the next few days…
I thought this Christmas would be a hard one for me, but i didn’t expect things to start going wrong just yet…

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MIA

It seems I have been Missing in Action for longer than I realise.

No excuses really- life just got busy and some things took a back seat for a while- this blog being one of those things.

My back pain is still affecting me as much as usual, some days even more than usual. I try to not let it rule my life, but often I find that that’s just what it is doing.
Since I last blogged, I have had CT scans and ultrasounds done trying to find a reason for my pain. It simply comes back to the bulged disc.

I need to get back into some type of routine where I am going for regular walks, living a healthy lifestyle and being as active as possible.
I think I have regained some of the weight that I lost earlier this year and that has depressed me more than it should. I am not proud of it and have turned to food to help me feel better. Not good food though- chips, lollies and too much soft drink.
I am ashamed of what I have become once again.

I understand I most likely will never have a wafer thin model’s body- nor do I want to, but I would really like to shed some of these excessive Kgs, I want to be fitter, healthier and happier within myself.

Some days though- it just seems like it’s too much to aim for. 😦
I feel I should just give up and not care about anything…

I want to keep myself busy from now into the new year. I don’t mind how- physical exercise, outings, getting back into doing things I really enjoy, keeping on top of my blog…
Christmas hasn’t been overly enjoyable for me over the past dozen or so years and as it nears each year I can’t help but worry what will happen this year.
I don’t want most of my Adult life filled with upsetting events and happenings throughout the end of each year but it seems to be what is becoming “normal” for me.

My ultimate dream would be to start a new tradition.
Have an early Christmas with extended family PRIOR to December 25th and on Christmas Day itself, after the children have opened their presents, go out for the day as a family for a picnic in a nice park, at the beach, anywhere really where we can just be together as our own little family unit.