Light at the end of the tunnel

I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am hopeful of getting answers to my continuing pain.

Recent blood test results showed some abnormal levels which has my doctor thinking I could possibly have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). Today I have to have some scans done so further testing can be done to confirm if I do in fact have RA.

A part of me hopes that I do, I just want answers so I can look into the illness more, do I can research what I can do to help myself. There is also a part of me who wants to find out this is not RA… But then it leaves me where I was. Still in pain with no idea why.

I currently feel scared. The first part is in just over 7 hours time but I can’t sleep. My mind is racing, anxiety is rising, negative thoughts are present and pushing past the few calming slivers of hope that I have left.

I don’t know how long it’ll take to get the results, but I’m hoping not more than a few days.

If this isn’t RA, I want to keep pressing on… I want to get to the bottom of this pain. I want answers. I have put up with the pain for far too long.

Advertisements

Unfit for work.

Those three little words can at times make even the strongest person feel worthless.

My lower back and nerve pain has now forced me to take 3 weeks off work.

I am thankful that I can walk around, the pain is still there but its bareable. I still have trouble bathing myself and dressing myself at times so I’m still heavily relying on my husband to help me.

I feel worthless as my brain tells me I have to do everything on my to do list, but my body won’t allow me to do much at all. It is really frustrating as in many people’s opinions : “you don’t look sick.” That has to be one of the most challenging things to hear without letting it get to me. It is hard to ignore.

I feel bad enough as it is, but when that comment is directed at me, I feel so much worse.

My lack of income is hurting me financially too. It sucks.

I hate my kids seeing me like this. I should be a role model for them, I shouldn’t need them to help care for me at their young ages.

Pain

Pain.

It’s different for everyone. What is¬†off the scale for one person, may be nothing for the next.

I’ve been told i have a quite high pain tolerance.

For the past week my pain has steadily been getting worse.
I think my back pain has turned into sciatica, the pain is almost unbearable at times but i know i must go on as i am a carer now and i cannot give up.

It feels like someone is stabbing me and twisting a knife, other times it feels like a burning sensation is shooting down my legs. It is FAR from pleasant. I would not wish this upon anyone.

It messes with my mind. It stops me from being able to concentrate. It takes away any joy i might have left within my soul.

I am in pain when i sit. I am in pain when i stand. I am in pain when i walk. Jogging or running is completely out of the question- i accidentally did that a few days ago to keep up with one of my children and i was on the brink of collapsing and crying from the pain.

I wish there was a quick fix for issues like this.

No one deserves to live like this.

No one.

Breaking through

It’s about time i broke through the wall i have created. I have been meaning to add to my blog and time after time i have come up with some great entries in my mind, but when it comes to the crunch- nothing has become of it.

Here i am again, wanting to write something worthy of reading but i am left feeling deflated, feeling as though i am disappointing my followers and those reading this.

To you all, i am sorry.

I have been wasting my life scrolling through status after status on social media… numbing my brain and i am sure killing off a few brain cells along the way.
I don’t really have any need to be doing such a thing as i don’t really have anything sensible to add to my profile, instead i share links or videos which made me smile for a fraction of my life. My friends may not see it the same way as i did as i have a sick sense of humour compared to some of my friends…

Since i last wrote, i now have all my children at school.
Silly me thought i would have more time up my sleeve to do my own thing, find out who i really am now and what i want to do with my life…

BUT

I volunteer as a “Canteen Mum” and will be looking into helping out in the classroom as well from next month- i enjoy doing that.
I also travel to my Nan’s each week to help her run errands, do shopping, housework, gardening, cooking, etc. Once again- i enjoy doing that.
But it has meant that i haven’t yet been able to really do what i thought i’d be able to do.

Thankfully my back pain hasn’t been too bad, but it has made me have to change plans on a number of occasions which meant i couldn’t do as i had planned.

Maybe one day i’ll be able to chase my dreams… it seems that now isn’t the time for me to do so.

MIA

It seems I have been Missing in Action for longer than I realise.

No excuses really- life just got busy and some things took a back seat for a while- this blog being one of those things.

My back pain is still affecting me as much as usual, some days even more than usual. I try to not let it rule my life, but often I find that that’s just what it is doing.
Since I last blogged, I have had CT scans and ultrasounds done trying to find a reason for my pain. It simply comes back to the bulged disc.

I need to get back into some type of routine where I am going for regular walks, living a healthy lifestyle and being as active as possible.
I think I have regained some of the weight that I lost earlier this year and that has depressed me more than it should. I am not proud of it and have turned to food to help me feel better. Not good food though- chips, lollies and too much soft drink.
I am ashamed of what I have become once again.

I understand I most likely will never have a wafer thin model’s body- nor do I want to, but I would really like to shed some of these excessive Kgs, I want to be fitter, healthier and happier within myself.

Some days though- it just seems like it’s too much to aim for. ūüė¶
I feel I should just give up and not care about anything…

I want to keep myself busy from now into the new year. I don’t mind how- physical exercise, outings, getting back into doing things I really enjoy, keeping on top of my blog…
Christmas hasn’t been overly enjoyable for me over the past dozen or so years and as it nears each year I can’t help but worry what will happen this year.
I don’t want most of my Adult life filled with upsetting events and happenings throughout the end of each year but it seems to be what is becoming “normal” for me.

My ultimate dream would be to start a new tradition.
Have an early Christmas with extended family PRIOR to December 25th and on Christmas Day itself, after the children have opened their presents, go out for the day as a family for a picnic in a nice park, at the beach, anywhere really where we can just be together as our own little family unit.

It’s not funny anymore.

Over the majority of my life I have been in some sort of pain.

It has almost always been back or neck/shoulder pain.

This is the third year in a row that I have ended up with bulged discs in my back, pinched nerves and other pain.
Over the past week I have put my back out twice. The silliest thing is HOW I did it.
The first time was due to me being stooped/hunched over transplanting seedlings into a raised garden bed, then the second time I re-pinched the nerve when I flushed the toilet. I did it flushing the toilet!!! How idiotic does that sound!?

I would have much preferred to say I had done it lifting heavy items but that’s not the case.
Last year I ended up in hospital with very similar problems and it was all due to me shifting my weight from one butt cheek to the other.
Stupid little things like that, it’s unbelievable!

The worst thing is that it takes weeks, sometimes months to recover and get back to some type of “normal”. Although these days I don’t know what normal is.
To me, normal is having an almost constant pain/ache, but not enough to warrant taking pain killers as I have grown accustomed to the feeling. I wish this was NOT my “normal”, but I don’t know if anything can be done.

Last year the word “surgery” was spoken a couple of times but they also said the risks outweighed the positives and it would be best to just “take things easy”.
Easy to say when you’ve got a family. Easy to say to someone who has young children that want to be picked up and hugged and played with.

I’m now on hydromorphone and have the option to take paracetamol as well if the pain is bad enough. I don’t want to rely on pain killers, I hate taking medicines and rarely do take them unless I feel there is no other answer.
At the moment though, I feel it is the only way I can be out of pain, or at least have the edge taken off the pain. Once the medicine kicks in, it doesn’t actually take the pain away completely. I can still feel the pressure and discomfort.
I guess the comfort is in knowing that for a few hours (if I’m lucky) I won’t be able to experience the full impact of the pain until the medicine starts to wear off.

I have been through physiotherapy following each episode over the past 3 years (I even had some physiotherapy earlier this year when I felt my back was getting niggly. I wanted to nip it in the bud before things got worse.) but once the worst of this current episode is over, I don’t know what to do. I do plan on going to my doctor for a chat and seeing what they recommend. I don’t want to continue having this back trouble each year for the rest of my life.

I have enough other stuff to deal with without having to worry about a dodgy back. ūüė¶

All I know is that this is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone… not even my worst enemy.

What have i done to deserve this?

For the past 3 years I have hurt my back and it has put my life on hold until I was able to heal enough to get on with my life.

The first time it came as a surprise, the second time, it happened almost exactly a year later.
This year around the same time my back felt a bit niggly so I got some physiotherapy as a preventative measure and I thought everything was fine but late last week I hurt my back once again and have pretty much been bed ridden since.

I believe in Karma, getting back what you give out, but it makes me wonder what bad things I have done in my life to deserve to be hurt like this 3 years in a row.

It just doesn’t seem fair on me, my immediate family or my extended family (of whom I often help with their day to day chores and errands).
It isn’t fair on my husband needing to look after me like I am a child- I cannot even bathe myself without needing his assistance.

I went to my local medical centre and the doctor who saw me didn’t lay a hand on me, she simply stated that she wouldn’t give me strong pain killers as they can be addictive and to continue taking paracetamol (which doesn’t do much at all for the pain) and if I was still in pain next week, to return to the medical centre or go to a hospital if it gets worse.

Well, today it did get worse, but not quite as bad as what it was last year so I am uncertain as to if I should go to the hospital as I am sure there are many people who need the hospitals services more than I do. The pain is constant but I am trying to “just ignore it” and hoping that regular doses of panadol and sleep will help make it all better.

I just wish the pain would either go away (preferably) or get bad enough that I feel it warrants a visit to my local hospital’s Emergency Department.

Thoughtless Thinking.

I often find myself thinking.
Thinking about nothing in particular.

Actually- half the time I don’t even remember what I was thinking of thinking about. I just don’t know.

Maybe it’s a female thing? It is known that women try to multi-task as much as possible. Maybe my brain is just working overtime and for some reason I’m not allowing my thoughts to sink in and be remembered.

I guess constantly thinking unimportant things helps keep my mind busy and helps me to stop focusing on the areas of my body that are aching.
To take my mind off the sciatica, off the bulged discs, to take my mind off it all.
My back is constantly aching, it’s a dull ache; but I think in a way, a dull ache is worse than when I completely put my back out and¬†was in agony. I knew the extreme pain would ease with time. This dull ache doesn’t. It is always there.

ALWAYS.

It makes me feel like a little old lady who can barely get around at times. But I know that’s a fallacy as I know many “elderly” people in their 70’s and¬†80’s who are still very energetic and capable for their age. Some much more energetic than people half or even a quarter of their age!

I want to be able to run around with my kids. Carry them around on my shoulders like many other parents do but I can’t due to the constant pain and the fear that I could really hurt my back at any time for no real reason.

 

 

Greed… or is it?

I often have moments… or days if I am to be completely honest, where I just want to get away from everything and everyone.
Times I just want to hop in the car and drive.
Drive somewhere- I don’t know where, but away from the hustle bustle of the city, away from the¬†concrete and bright¬†lights and somewhere open, green, airy, natural… somewhere¬†beautiful.
At times I feel I need to get away from myself to just try and set myself straight again, to get a level head and de-stress, to be at one with nature and ground myself again.

I am no good to anybody- especially my husband or children if I am in physical pain, stressed, anxious or depressed.
I am usually one or two of these things at any one time.
I guess I have tried to learn to live like this but I hate it, I really do.

I want to be “normal”, not living in pain, not worrying about if something wrong or bad is going to happen, not constantly feeling I have to apologise for something bad that has happened (when a lot of the time it is something I don’t even have any control over).

It frustrates me that for some reason I have grown up believing I am the cause of everyone’s problems, deep down I know I am not always to blame, but by the time I open my mouth to say something, all I can manage is “I’m Sorry”.
I just can’t help it.

I hate being so negative, I feel it is bad for my kids too.
I want them to grow up being strong, proud individuals, not scared of doing anything in case they’ll get in trouble or because someone isn’t open enough to their opinions or views.

Having¬†a quick think about my life… I guess it comes down to me being an “Accident” and having my Mum remind me of this throughout my childhood and even now as an adult and a parent myself.
That however is another story.