Funeral Day

The funeral was today.

We said our Good Byes to Nan.
She is finally at peace, free forever more.

I was surprisingly calm today. I did not cry. I wanted to be strong, and i was, but i did think i would have cried.
But i didn’t.

The Uncle and Aunt who have been nasty towards my family and i did not talk to us at all today.
One asked me to go and view Nan’s body but i said No. I know Nan did NOT want an open casket/viewing so i respected her wishes.

I don’t know if it has completely sunk in… or if it is going to hit me like a freight train in the future sometime… i guess time will tell and only then will i know what i am feeling.

Advertisements

She is free.

I received the phone call from the hospital in the early hours of the morning. Nan had passed away.

She is now free. Free from pain. Free from being force fed. Free from having to live because some people were not willing to accept the fact she was ready to go.

I was told she was unconscious for about the last 12 hours. This is comforting for me to know as i believe it made the transition into her next life a calmer one for her.

I have always been one who likes to know information, who likes details.
I would love to know the exact time she passed. I would love to know what her final day was like. I would love to find out what her final medical results were. I would love to know exactly where the cancer had spread.
I doubt i will ever get this exact information. It is something i will have to live with for the rest of my life.

But one thing is for sure.

I know i was ALWAYS honest with everyone.

I know i ALWAYS gave Nan my full attention and care when i was looking after her; not just in these most recent weeks & months but for all my life.
I have helped her with lots of things since i was a little girl and i can live my life knowing i always did the most i could for Nan and i know she appreciated everything i did for her.

 

I love you so much Nan.
May you now fly free.

It’s getting close now…

I received two phone calls yesterday.
One from my Nan’s sister saying she had received a phone call saying that my Nan’s health has been deteriorating and that she is now needing strong painkillers at least every 2 hours; the second from another 2 relatives (via a “speaker phone chat”) letting me know that the cancer has now spread throughout Nan’s body, into not only more bones but also soft tissue and other organs. She has started hallucinating again, quite badly this time and is talking a lot of gibberish (possibly due to the pain relief she is on or maybe the hallucinations?).

No one could say how long she is expected to last for now, but i hope for her sake, that it isn’t too much longer as she has been saying she is ready to die for the past 5+ weeks.
I hate knowing that i have been threatened with violence by some family members if they find out i visit Nan. I don’t want them to think they have “won”, as they haven’t, i just don’t know if i want to see Nan now. In a way i do want to as i would love to have some “us time” to let her know how much i love her and just to be there with her for a little while but on the other hand, with what i have been told about her most recent health status and state of mind, i don’t think i do want to have this new memory of her. I think i would just prefer to remember her how i last saw her and moreso, about those weeks we spent together where i was able to be an extension of her and be able to care for her in between her hospital stays.

Although some people have tried to make these past few months hell for me, they have not won, nor will they get on top of me in the future.
I will not allow their childish ways to make me less of a human.
I will not let their immaturity get the better of me.

I know that what i have done for Nan over the past countless number of years (but mostly the past 2-3 years) will always be appreciated by Nan and also other family and friends who realise just how much i have actually done for her.

Most of all though, i feel so very lucky that i have spent a great deal of my life with Nan, having her to talk to whenever i wanted to, being able to have her as the first person i go to if i needed someone or if i wanted advice or needed to know how to do something.
Nan taught me so much about life, she taught me how to cook, how to clean, she taught me patience, perseverance, love, courage, she taught me to not judge a book by it’s cover, most importantly though- she taught me how to believe in myself.

 

Uncertainty

Setting out into the dark I watched for a glimpse of life. The flicker of eyes, the warmth of a breath on a cold winter’s night, the sound of a smile…

There was nothing.

Into the darkness was more darkness and unknowing. There was no sign of life, no sign of existence.

Where exactly was I? I was still standing so I knew there was gravity and I must still be on Earth.

The silence was unbearable. Not being able to hear anything at all was deafening. Not being able to see was blinding.

It was all to much for me to comprehend. I didn’t want to go back to where I had been yet I was scared to continue going forward in fear of what may lie ahead of me.

I felt naked. Alone. Scared.

I wanted to reach out yet I felt I was bound tightly and could not move at all.

I could feel myself drowning. Drowning in a pool of nothingness.
Nothing. At. All.

I wanted to scream out for help yet when I opened my mouth, no words came out. I was unable to talk, unable to make any audible noises.

I want to cry yet my body is as arid as the driest of dry deserts- parched and lifeless if viewed from the outside
BUT
If you take a closer look you would realise there is life within.

There are tears trying to come out, screams of pain, of pleading.
I was not drowning, I was safe.

Hands reached out to me, my body draped in soft cloth with loved ones nearby.

Everything was becoming clearer than it had ever been before.
I could hear the wind howling, I could hear all the animals, running water, rustling leaves.

I could see it all.

I was alive.