More lows than highs

It has been two months since i last wrote.

So much yet so little has happened.

My mind is constantly in overdrive with a million thoughts an hour racing through my mind.
I wish i could get them into this blog, but i have been feeling so shit lately that i can’t be bothered writing as i feel that no one would be interested reading about my thoughts…
I feel that i am not worth it anymore.

It is my fault i feel this way.
Sometimes i make unnecessary comments. I made a comment on a friend’s status recently…at the moment i wrote it, i thought it was funny, a bit tongue in cheek… but today i noticed one of her friends had commented on my comment pointing out grammar mistakes that i had not picked up on.

Having so many thoughts about the harsh words and negative comments my mum used to say to me on a daily basis, this was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I wanted to reply to try and stand up for myself, but i realised the other person (who i did not even know) was most likely right and all those things my Mum used to say to me MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT.

I doubt the person who made that comment will ever know they drove me to have bad thoughts again today… thoughts that i have not had for a number of weeks. But that trigger… it’ll be at the front of my mind for quite some time now as i was raised to concentrate on the bad things i do… not always the good.

I have been trying hard to get myself in a better headspace since Nan passed away, but there always seems to be a trigger which sends me backwards ten-fold.

I truly hope there are NO other humans or animals in this galaxy who get the same thoughts i do as it can be genuinely crippling to what could have been an otherwise positive day.
I am guessing though that in reality, there ARE people travelling a similar road to me, but we each have our own issues and demons we are trying to fight off on a daily basis.

I just want you all to know that you are not alone.
I wish i could take your pain away- you don’t deserve to be unhappy.
I am willing to be unhappy for you all.

Belly Flop from 100 feet.

Imagine how you would feel after that landing. We are imagining this so there is no way we will die from this stunt.

Bloody sore and upset i am sure. Tears, head scratching, bewilderment and wandering around not knowing what is going on too i guess.

Well, that’s how i have been feeling for most of this week.
I just can’t seem to function properly. I had an appointment with my psychologist earlier this week and as soon as i walked in her door, she knew. I didn’t have to say anything. She knew i was feeling like shit.
The first thing she said to me was “What’s wrong? Something is really wrong and we HAVE to talk about this.”

I didn’t know exactly what it was making me feel how i was, but i knew i had a lot of little things that had been stewing up in my mind. Stuff that had been gnawing at me for who knows how long.

I told her about the little bits and pieces that had been worrying me, and although that helped a little bit, it didn’t help much.

Today i am still walking around, not really knowing what i am doing.

I just want to feel normal again…

It’s not funny anymore.

Over the majority of my life I have been in some sort of pain.

It has almost always been back or neck/shoulder pain.

This is the third year in a row that I have ended up with bulged discs in my back, pinched nerves and other pain.
Over the past week I have put my back out twice. The silliest thing is HOW I did it.
The first time was due to me being stooped/hunched over transplanting seedlings into a raised garden bed, then the second time I re-pinched the nerve when I flushed the toilet. I did it flushing the toilet!!! How idiotic does that sound!?

I would have much preferred to say I had done it lifting heavy items but that’s not the case.
Last year I ended up in hospital with very similar problems and it was all due to me shifting my weight from one butt cheek to the other.
Stupid little things like that, it’s unbelievable!

The worst thing is that it takes weeks, sometimes months to recover and get back to some type of “normal”. Although these days I don’t know what normal is.
To me, normal is having an almost constant pain/ache, but not enough to warrant taking pain killers as I have grown accustomed to the feeling. I wish this was NOT my “normal”, but I don’t know if anything can be done.

Last year the word “surgery” was spoken a couple of times but they also said the risks outweighed the positives and it would be best to just “take things easy”.
Easy to say when you’ve got a family. Easy to say to someone who has young children that want to be picked up and hugged and played with.

I’m now on hydromorphone and have the option to take paracetamol as well if the pain is bad enough. I don’t want to rely on pain killers, I hate taking medicines and rarely do take them unless I feel there is no other answer.
At the moment though, I feel it is the only way I can be out of pain, or at least have the edge taken off the pain. Once the medicine kicks in, it doesn’t actually take the pain away completely. I can still feel the pressure and discomfort.
I guess the comfort is in knowing that for a few hours (if I’m lucky) I won’t be able to experience the full impact of the pain until the medicine starts to wear off.

I have been through physiotherapy following each episode over the past 3 years (I even had some physiotherapy earlier this year when I felt my back was getting niggly. I wanted to nip it in the bud before things got worse.) but once the worst of this current episode is over, I don’t know what to do. I do plan on going to my doctor for a chat and seeing what they recommend. I don’t want to continue having this back trouble each year for the rest of my life.

I have enough other stuff to deal with without having to worry about a dodgy back. 😦

All I know is that this is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone… not even my worst enemy.

Feeling bad for doing good.

I find that I always fall into a trap which I set myself.

I often put others before myself and therefore I fall behind in tasks/errands which I had planned to do.

These are usually not very important- things like keeping up to date with my emails, going for a walk to try and “clear my head”, writing to friends of mine (yes, I’m old school and enjoy putting pen to paper and writing letters to my pen pals); but to me, these little things are what helps keep me centred, it’s what helps to keep me from snapping at my hubby and the kids when I’m having a bad day.

Today I spent a large part of the day on the computer catching up on emails. I actually got on top of them all and have now completely caught up.
I should be happy and relieved but I feel guilty for spending the time to do this for myself. I feel like I should have just let all the emails continue to add up, for the pile to keep growing so I could let my hubby do whatever he had to do.
I feel that I should have been there looking after the little ones (my youngest kids) rather than leaving them in the hands of my hubby (although he is more than capable).

I know he’s a stay at home dad and is here helping me look after the kids but I just feel like such a burden on everyone here. I feel like I really don’t fit in. I am always feeling that this household would be better off without me.
Whenever I have to go out alone the kids seem to be fine while I’m gone; when I get back home, the fighting seems to start the instant I walk in the door. I also get told the kids were fine while I was out.

It’s like my hubby and I no longer share the same views on parenting, we no longer share the same goals (as parents, as a married couple, as people in general); I feel that he has risen up so much higher than what I have (as a parent) and I feel that I have often been put in the same basket, so to speak, as what the kids are.

I feel that I am only told things on a “need to know” basis, I feel that I am no longer looked at as an equal to him.

It sucks and I’m sick of somehow always ending up in trouble…

I believe that I can do good. I believe I can be a good Mum and wife.

I just need someone to believe in me and show me the love and respect that I believe I deserve.