More lows than highs

It has been two months since i last wrote.

So much yet so little has happened.

My mind is constantly in overdrive with a million thoughts an hour racing through my mind.
I wish i could get them into this blog, but i have been feeling so shit lately that i can’t be bothered writing as i feel that no one would be interested reading about my thoughts…
I feel that i am not worth it anymore.

It is my fault i feel this way.
Sometimes i make unnecessary comments. I made a comment on a friend’s status recently…at the moment i wrote it, i thought it was funny, a bit tongue in cheek… but today i noticed one of her friends had commented on my comment pointing out grammar mistakes that i had not picked up on.

Having so many thoughts about the harsh words and negative comments my mum used to say to me on a daily basis, this was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I wanted to reply to try and stand up for myself, but i realised the other person (who i did not even know) was most likely right and all those things my Mum used to say to me MUST HAVE BEEN RIGHT.

I doubt the person who made that comment will ever know they drove me to have bad thoughts again today… thoughts that i have not had for a number of weeks. But that trigger… it’ll be at the front of my mind for quite some time now as i was raised to concentrate on the bad things i do… not always the good.

I have been trying hard to get myself in a better headspace since Nan passed away, but there always seems to be a trigger which sends me backwards ten-fold.

I truly hope there are NO other humans or animals in this galaxy who get the same thoughts i do as it can be genuinely crippling to what could have been an otherwise positive day.
I am guessing though that in reality, there ARE people travelling a similar road to me, but we each have our own issues and demons we are trying to fight off on a daily basis.

I just want you all to know that you are not alone.
I wish i could take your pain away- you don’t deserve to be unhappy.
I am willing to be unhappy for you all.

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Belly Flop from 100 feet.

Imagine how you would feel after that landing. We are imagining this so there is no way we will die from this stunt.

Bloody sore and upset i am sure. Tears, head scratching, bewilderment and wandering around not knowing what is going on too i guess.

Well, that’s how i have been feeling for most of this week.
I just can’t seem to function properly. I had an appointment with my psychologist earlier this week and as soon as i walked in her door, she knew. I didn’t have to say anything. She knew i was feeling like shit.
The first thing she said to me was “What’s wrong? Something is really wrong and we HAVE to talk about this.”

I didn’t know exactly what it was making me feel how i was, but i knew i had a lot of little things that had been stewing up in my mind. Stuff that had been gnawing at me for who knows how long.

I told her about the little bits and pieces that had been worrying me, and although that helped a little bit, it didn’t help much.

Today i am still walking around, not really knowing what i am doing.

I just want to feel normal again…

October 10th- put it in your diaries!

October 10th is World Mental Health Day, a day where we can celebrate our uniqueness, where we can discuss how our condition affects us for the better and/or worse.

We shouldn’t restrict this to one day a year though- we should be able to freely talk about mental health whenever we want. There shouldn’t be a stigma attached but unfortunately it seems to still be the case in today’s society… although we are getting better. There are more people who are willing to listen and try to understand.

I was watching an interesting show tonight called Diaries of a Broken Mind. It followed a handful of people for a while and got their personal stories and saw them when they were going through both highs and lows.

If you get the chance to see this documentary for yourselves, i highly recommend you watch it. It was very interesting.

My thoughts are a bit all over the place at the moment as watching some shows tonight stirred up memories that i must have had buried deep in my memory.

Hopefully my next blog entry will make more sense and flow better…

Late night thoughts and musings.

Random thoughts in a confused mind cannot always be a good thing… or is that a bad thing?

Having flashbacks of bad things really messes with me, not only me but with my relationships with my loved ones and friends and acquaintences.
Triggers happen without warning and the reactions i have to those triggers can leave me having bad anxiety attacks, or i can start crying or sobbing uncontrolably and sometimes it even causes me to just freeze in terror waiting for it to all be over or to stop.

My youngest child is almost too old to still be in a pram, but he has recently started asking me if he can get a new pram so i can take him for speedy walks (I used to take him for long walks in the pram and when feeling energetic enough- i’d go for short jog legs too), so earlier this week i saw a second hand pram that was very affordable plus it was everything we needed so i bought it.
Today we went for a walk. The smile on his face was worth every cent i paid. I haven’t been well lately so couldn’t do too much jogging due to not having as much energy as i usually have but the couple of short jogs i did manage made im laugh and helped me to see something good cme out of the day.
Don’t get me wrong, i didn’t have a bad day at all, i just find it quite hard to show emotions and express myself outside of my mind. It may sound silly but it’s just who i have unfortunately become.

Every day, almost without fail, INSIDE my mind i will laugh, have lots of good thoughts, dance, sing and celebrate, but i also have periods where i am sick and tired of also having negativity in my life and it is during these times that i think it’d make everything better if i wasn’t around at all.
I don’t know if i mean me not existing, or if it just means me being physically far away from everyone, or even disappearing off the face of the earth. I just don’t know.

I do remember that there used to be a big part of my life when i never felt like this… I can’t help but wonder if it is because back then, when i wasn’t depressed and anxious; if it was because my grandfather was alive ( was his shadow as a child) or because i had pets, a social life, hobbies i could throw myself into without the fear of being judged… I just don’t know.

I know i have been craving having a pet for many years now- over a decade to be precise. I really want to get a shelter dog. I have had pet dogs throughout my childhood, they are so loyal and give endless love, plus they seem to know what you’re feeling and when you need someone by your side. I think i crave the love and loyalty of a pet, deep down i know owning a dog will quite possibly heavily reduce the amount of times i need to visit the Doctors, owning a dog could quite possibly reverse the effects of the bad things that have happened to me in the past, it could help to lessen my anxiety and depression symptoms too. But while i don’t have a pet… i will never know.
One thing i know for sure, is that owing a dog will be a great reason for me to get regular exercise as it will need walking each day which means that i won’t be able to be so anti-social and keep to myself most of the time.

Randomness takes lows to a high

I have been feeling quite depressed and upset with my self today. I don’t know why… it’s just how I have been feeling.

I was trying to think of ways I could cheer up a bit and thought some craziness and randomness might work along with a few wise things thrown in for good measure.

Now for a bunch of random group of sentences, words, sayings and who knows what else…
I’m hoping it will have me feeling a bit better by the time I’m finished writing and hope it also puts a smile on your face.

* A horse walks into a pub and sits down at the bar, the barman comes over and says “Why the long face?”

* Triantiwontigongalope
This is actually a make believe animal that I learnt about when in primary school. There was a song that went along with the poem and I have always remembered bits and pieces of the poem. It’s a fun word and if you use your imagination- could make for a VERY interesting creature!

* English is a strange language… read the following sentence and you will realise just how confusing it can be for those who’s native tongue is not English.
I wound the bandage around the wound.
They’re taking their photographs over there by the tree.

* You may have to GET older, but it doesn’t mean you have to grow up and ACT older!
It doesn’t hurt to let your hair down once in a while (or regularly if you wish) and live like a child again.
Splash in puddles, make mud pies, dance like nobody is watching (or cares), consider the little things that you would usually overlook (go hunting for bugs, beetles, snails and slugs one day).

* Have a water balloon or food fight (preferably with others who are keen to do the same).

* Go for a walk… a long walk is what I prefer.

* Make a salad of your choice.
Cutting up all those colourful fruits and vegetables will help reduce stress and then you get to eat your creation and hopefully feel a bit better afterwards.

* Get back into a hobby you used to enjoy but haven’t touched for a while. It might relight the passion you once had for life.

* What used to make you laugh as a child? Revisit those memories and see if it still makes you laugh (or cringe) today.

* Fart

* Fart in the bath (as disgusting as it is, it’s always funny!)

* Grab a butterfly by the hand and let it take you to a far away land where everything is ideal and no one is sad.

Always in the wrong place.

I’m almost hanging off the side of the bed.

I’m almost tempted to just get out of bed and do something… go for a walk, pace back and forth in the entrance to the house, look out the window to try and find something happening…

I feel like such a hindrance. No matter where I am, I feel I am in the wrong place.
No matter what I do, it feels as though I have done the wrong thing.

I just want to feel like I am an important part of something. An important part of someone’s life.

I just don’t feel like that anymore. I feel like I’m an object.
An object for sexual favours, an object that will change plans for others at the drop of a hat, an object that is expected to do things for others and feel no negativity towards anything- even if it means missing out on doing things that I truly looked forward to.

I just wish I could disappear.

Grow wings and fly off into the distance, letting the wind carry me far far away.

Far away to a place where there is room for me to be me.
And people will be accepting of that.

I’ve fallen into the deepest depths.

And just like that- the black dog bites again.

Well, it didn’t bite that suddenly, I’ve felt like crap for quite some time now… I mean I’ve had feelings of worthlessness my whole life and the depression has been with me, I mean REALLY WITH ME for over 11 1/2 years now.
I guess it has just slumped to a new low over the past couple of months- since I got sick with the bad bug going around and then hurting my back twice in 4 days right as I was starting to get better from the initial illness that made me feel horrible.

It’s hard talking about it, especially to people who haven’t experienced it themselves. I am happy to talk about how I feel, but I am usually left made to feel that I am just trying to get attention, made to feel that I’m a spoilt brat who has a hissy fit if I don’t get my way. Others seem to get upset and angry with me when I don’t “just snap out of it”.

I wish I could snap out of it and grow up a bit.
I really do. It would make life so much easier.
You know what?! If I could choose to snap in or out of my depression and anxiety just like that- I’d choose not to be bloody depressed or anything to start with!!!!!

Happiness surrounds my life. I’m constantly seeing strangers, friends and family members enjoying themselves. I mean really enjoying themselves. They look so full of life and so happy.

I want to be happy. There are things in life that I used to thoroughly enjoy, I still enjoy doing them, but I just can’t seem to be happy or show how glad I am anymore.

It makes me feel like a heartless bitch. I hate that word, I really do. But it’s how I feel about myself.

Since I hurt my back and it resulted in me being “stuck” in bed for a length of time I have been able to complete a number of needlework tapestries.
I guess when I do tapestry, it’s a form of meditation for me. It could be the repetition of feeding the needle and thread up and down through the holes in the canvas that I find relaxing. It’s almost hypnotic I guess. I wouldn’t say I go into a trance when stitching, but I do find it helpful a lot of the time. It allows me to forget about my troubles and pain to an extent, it keeps my mind busy as I think about where the needle will next go.
The worst thing though, is that I feel hopeless to an extent, it is as though I am being excessively selfish, greedy and thoughtless towards my husband and children and the extended family.

I grew up with my Mum doing a lot of crafts… I guess she spent much of her time doing craft and buying me supplies to do various crafts too that I just assumed it was a normal part of everyday life. That is one thing I do give my Mum credit for. Not stopping me from doing creative things.
She may not have had the best mothering skills, but she did buy me a lot of things, she kept me clothed in clothes I was happy to wear, she was always buying me craft supplies for the new craft ideas and plans I had and she’d keep me well supplied with junk food… Looking back on it now, I wish she had’ve been a bit stricter there, but she ate a lot of rubbish herself so I guess it was just a case of monkey see monkey do.
By what I can remember, Mum used to buy me all those things because she’d say she really did love me and would prove it that way- by buying me materialistic things to make up for all the times she’d yell at me saying that I should never had been born, how I was an accident, how she wished I never existed, saying that my father was scum (I’ve never met him and nothing was really said about him so how was I to know if he was a good or bad man?), the gifts also made up for all the other hurtful things I had to listen to, for the times she smacked me for doing something she didn’t think was right, for the times she ignored me in front of her other friends because I had the hide to speak up and tell her not to drink or smoke (She was never a drinker or smoker, but her “friends” pretty much made her drink and smoke when she was around them), for the times she raised a hand at me, threatened me…
I think the reason why I didn’t really say anything was because I was an only child and knew it was my fault… well, I assumed it was my fault as I had no one else around me who could have caused all that. My Nan and Pop had taught me good manners, I knew not to talk back to my elders (well, except for those times Mum made me snap when she was doing what I thought was wrong things), surely Mum wouldn’t have said all those nasty things if they were lies…

Maybe that’s why my anxiety is now at an all time high when I go to visit Nan and Mum. Mum still snaps, but these days I am a grown adult with my own children and I feel that I have to stand up for my kids and not let them be treated the same way that Mum behaved around me. Mum still yells at us, she greets us at the door with an “Oh, It’s you- you won’t be here long will you?”, she tells my kids to “Go play on the freeway” or if she’s having a bad day, any of us will be told to simply “Fuck Off!” although that is usually muttered under her breath but loud enough for us all to hear it.
I do try to visit Nan when Mum’s gone out, but it doesn’t always work out that way.

I’m sure Mum needs help, I’m sure she has some Mental Health issues going on too- I’m sure she’s undiagnosed but unfortunately it’s a very taboo topic at Nan’s house. If anything is even subtly mentioned about Mum going to see a decent doctor, Nan says “You know your Mum gets a bit nervy and such, you’ve just got to give her room, give her space and ignore her until she’s come to her senses again”.

As easy as it would be to turn my back on her, she’s still my Mum.
Some days I do think it would be easier if she wasn’t around but she’s my Mum and I guess I just have to make do with who she is and hope I don’t see her too much on her bad days.

I want to be the best Mum I can possibly be for my kids (and the best wife I can be for my hubby) but with the flashbacks I almost constantly have from my childhood, I am often left doubting myself, scared I am turning into my own mother- the person who I was often scared of back then, and even now- I don’t like being around her too much for fear of being put down or having her say bad things about me to my kids.

I know I need more help myself, but I just don’t know how much more I can take. I have a number of “Invisible illnesses/issues” that affect me quite a bit on a daily level, but because no one else can see them, I am made to feel that I am faking it.

That is what hurts the most- to think that those who I love, think I am faking my problems.

When explaining why I am afraid to do certain things is due to flashbacks makes me feel like I am worthless and selfish- that’s what hurts and cuts deep. It is worse than rubbing salt into a wound.

Some days I wonder if everyone would be better off without me around. I could easily disappear and I am sure no one would miss me.
The only thing stopping me doing that though is me. I am too scared of the consequences. What would happen to those I leave behind?

What if someone had have reached out when someone else was in need?

The news of Robin Williams’ passing is still a shock to me.

I never knew him personally, but it still doesn’t stop me from getting upset when I see news coverage of him on TV.

It makes me wonder how much of what the media is saying is actually 100% true.

What was going through his mind in the days, hours, minutes leading up to when he passed away?
If someone had’ve simply asked “How are you feeling today?” would he still be here today?

Watching the news stories and past interviews he had done on TV, I can see the sadness in his eyes. Yes, he was a funny man. Yes, he brought a lot of joy and laughter to millions of people, but that didn’t necessarily mean he was happy within himself.

I just wish I knew answers. I am sure a lot of people wish they knew why.

Depression can be very crippling and it can drain a person of their livelihood, it can make them think things that they wouldn’t usually want to think about.
I know. I have been there. I am still there… or is that still here?
I have had the Black Dog with me for over 11 years now, but unofficially I think it could be a lot longer- possibly close to 20 years.
That’s a large portion of my life which, looking back on it, is very upsetting.

It never hurts to ask someone how they’re feeling.
It could even save their life.

But is it running away???

For quite a while now, I have had this dream in my head of packing a bag and going away for a short holiday… maybe a week or two at the longest.
That doesn’t sound out of the ordinary, does it?

Here’s the catch- I want to do it ALONE. Leave hubby and the kids at home and just escape.
Me.
Myself.
I.
No one else.
I feel that I have so much crap stuck in my head, that if I’m not able to find a way to get it all out, I’m going to do something stupid, I’m going to snap, do something that I will regret for a long time.
I don’t want that to happen.

No one has directly told me that is a selfish idea, but I can read between the lines. I’m sure it’s what they’re hinting at without actually saying it.
Going away by myself does seem selfish I guess.
Spending all that money on fuel, accommodation, food, experiences, and whatever else happens during that time.
With nothing much to show for it. Maybe a few souvenirs, some photos… possibly even a tan? But that’s about it.
The memories would be mine, and mine alone.

I’d have no one else to talk to about the time this or that happened as they wouldn’t be there to share it with me. They’d have to believe what I tell them.

But the more I think about it, the more I am drawn to the idea of a solo holiday.
I wouldn’t have to worry about answering to anyone. I wouldn’t have to worry about where the kids were or what they were doing at the time.
I would be able to do as much or as little as I felt like doing. I could eat when I felt like it- not when I was told it was time to eat.
If I felt like going for an early morning walk (or even a jog)- I could. If I wanted to stay up all night, I wouldn’t have to feel ashamed or like I was letting others down by doing so.

I think travelling alone with no real set itinerary would be better than any medicinal interference/assistance.
It would allow me to rid my body of all the stress that has been building up for the past year or so.

We live in a highly technological world. With a smartphone, laptop and mobile internet- I’m never far away from anyone.

My body is screaming out to replenish itself, it needs to recharge, it needs time to heal, it needs time to just exist without having to think too much.

The chest pains are what concerns me the most.
I have had several tests done recently and my body is medically fit, stronger than some others even (which was surprising to me).
I was told the pains I get is most likely caused by stress.
I believe that- I really do. I often find myself stressing over silly little things here at home. Things that I am told I’m being stupid for worrying about.

I very rarely get sick, but when I do, it really hits hard.

I found out the hard way last week.
I woke up in the morning and spend the next couple of hours racing to the loo many many times. I had horrid cramps that went with it. I felt like I wanted to die.
When I wasn’t in the toilet, I was in bed trying to sleep. I don’t actually remember a lot from that day as my hubby said I was “passed out” for much of the day.
Maybe it was my body’s way of saying “Stop, slow down a bit”, or maybe I just had some type of 24 hour bug.
I don’t know. I have been trying to convince myself that I just had a bad tummy bug, but I think it may have been my body trying to tell me to slow down a bit.

I just don’t know what to do.
I want to go away, but I can’t help but think it’s the only child within talking to me- not the wife and mum who has 5 people to look after. I feel that I should stay here- it’s my job, isn’t that why I am a Mum and wife? To look after the kids and hubby?
My aching heart is telling me that I should go away. I feel it is telling me that although I feel like others are looking at me as though I am a selfish cow at the moment, they will realise that I am only doing it so I can “reset my body clock”, and know that when I get home I will be a new woman. I will be refreshed, my soul will be renewed and ready to deal with whatever is thrown in my direction.

I want to do what is right for me and my health (mental, physical…) but I am scared of being constantly labelled as a selfish so and so if I try to do anything for myself.

My hubby has been great lately- he’s kept the kids at home while I have gone to the shops to run errands or do some shopping, but I don’t class that as having “me time” I’ve got a list of things to do and I know I have to do it as quick as I can so I can get back home to everyone.

I stupid like sold the double prams so I can’t even take both my youngest children for a walk in the pram anymore. I’m a fast walker. I don’t expect either of my youngest to have to run alongside me while I go out walking. I’m not completely heartless. Since I have sold the prams- I haven’t done much exercise at all. I feel bad for it. I feel guilty for not looking after my health, but not as guilty as when I go out walking on my own… When I do that, I feel I am neglecting them.

I just don’t know what to think anymore.
I have so much going on in my head and I can’t seem to find anyone who understands what I am feeling.

My self esteem is plummeting into depths I haven’t experienced for a long time, my happiness long disappeared.

I just don’t know who I am anymore.
I am lost.
I am nobody.

Between Point A and Point B was the Wisteria in full bloom.

wisteria

This might not be the clearest photo, but I was caught up in the moment when I took it. I was walking between my home and my children’s school.
The Wisteria’s beauty took me by surprise.
I was having a bad day when I walked by this plant but looking at it’s stunning flowers made my day seem that little bit better.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_photo_challenge/between-danielle-hark/