Just Dance

Just dance like no one is watching

Leave your worries and doubts, do not cry

May you never fall back to the person you were

You have a new life to live, it’s not bad.

Please promise you won’t stop moving

One step at a time is all it takes.

Believe in yourself, you can do it

Your heart and your soul – it now wakes.

Feeling hollow and worthless.

It has been quite a while since I wrote a blog entry about what is on my mind. I think it’s been 6 weeks or so now.

I just don’t know what to think.
I feel that I have let my husband and children down by not being able to be the person they feel I should be for them.

My anxiety and depression has seemed to take over me.
I decided to make a positive change in my life by focusing on eating healthy, controlling my portion sizes (I’ve been known to indulge on foods I really enjoy a little too much), and trying to better my fitness by exercising at least a few times a week. I have been enjoying going for brisk walks and doing gardening.

I even signed up to participate in a government health initiative to help me keep aiming for my goals of losing weight and getting fitter. I am not following the plans exactly, but I don’t try to dwell on my “stuff ups” too much, I just try to see tomorrow as a fresh start and keep going.

But I feel lost.

I feel as though a part of me is dying. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I find that I am continuously imagining scenarios of where we are a happy family- where we have no worries in life, where the kids aren’t constantly fighting or in tears. I just want us to all be happy- my hubby, our 4 kids and me.

I believe we deserve to be happy.

Unfortunately though- I can’t help but feel that I am the common denominator as to why everyone is always upset, feeling hurt, frustrated and just becoming angry in general.

I feel I am re-living my childhood again. Not all of it though- just the bad bits. The bits I would rather forget. The bits I never wanted MY children to experience.

It scares me.

I don’t want to fall into a hole so deep that I can’t find a way out. I have been there before, as a teenager, when I was constantly being bullied by my peers at school.
It was at that time in my life that I didn’t want to live any longer- the only thing I felt I had to live for was my grandparents and my pets. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t think I would be here today.

I want to enjoy life again. I want to go on picnics with my family. I want to teach my children lots of things that I learnt as a child.

I just feel that whenever I suggest something, it isn’t taken seriously.

I don’t know what to say anymore without feeling stupid about it.

I want to be taken seriously.

If I am passionate about something, I’ll fight for it. If I truly believe that it is unachievable, I won’t chase it. I’ll just let it go… for now.

Everything happens for a reason- if it isn’t meant to be then it won’t happen… but dreams CAN and DO come true.

Daily Prompt: When Will I Be Loved?

I not only wonder when I will be loved, but more importantly IF I will ever be loved???

I want to be known as the lady who come into a small country town with a crazy idea. An idea which changed the town forever… for the better.

The lady who was so passionate about her idea that she did everything she could in her power to bring her dream to life.

The lady who came into the town with her hubby and 4 kids as a stranger, possibly even looked at as a threat to some but in a short amount of time, the locals realised she had the town’s best interests at heart.

I want to be looked at as the lady who promoted all the hard work of the locals, all the beautiful produce grown in the area, all the gift ideas and preserves and such made by the locals.
I want to be the person who helped to bring money into the town. Money for not only the local families, but also the town in general and charities too.

I want to keep the smells, tastes and views of yesteryear as fresh as the day we live in. I want to promote home grown and locally made products and produce.

I want my children’s attendance at the local schools to be a blessing, my dreams of being a “some body” rather than a “no body” to become a reality.

I want to be able to work next to my husband and children. I want to run a small business that helps not only myself but also my community.

I want to help change children’s lives with the skills I have to give if I was to work in a small country school.

My dreams may not be those of being famous and well known around the world, but I believe if I can make these dreams of mine come true, then I will be very important in the lives of those that matter most.
I’ll be famous and important to my family and community and that is all that will matter to me.

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/when-will-i-be-loved/

Daily Prompt: I believe…

Today’s Daily Prompt ( http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/16/daily-prompt-i-believe/ ) has me thinking hard as to what I want to type.

As someone who has to live with anxiety & depression in a place where I feel I don’t belong… my thoughts on this prompt will most likely be wildly different to what someone else who knows me may think I should be writing.

 

Anyway, seeing as though this is MY blog… here are MY thoughts.

 

3 things I believe in my heart to be TRUE:

  • If I was allowed to have a pet dog, I believe my anxiety and depressive behaviours, feelings and moods would all but completely disappear making me a much nicer person to be around.
  • I believe that my hubby and I CAN afford the property I have fallen in love with, I believe that we can make ends meet and that we will start up a successful business and will be accepted into the community. Things may be a little tight from time to time, but we CAN do it.
  • I believe that I have been put on this Earth for a reason. I have been put here to teach others, learn from others, to give to others and to do the best I can.

 

3 things that I believe in my heart to be FALSE:

  • I don’t believe in bullying of ANY kind. I have had to endure enough of it throughout my childhood, teenage years and into adulthood. It is not something that ANYONE should have to put up with.
  •  I don’t believe that one person’s thoughts, ideas or suggestions should be dismissed without first talking about it, weighing up the pro’s and con’s and then agreeing on something that will work for everyone.
  • I don’t believe that a town, state, nation or world should be run by one single person. We are all unique and we all have great ideas that could possibly change the world in one way or another. If the Human Race was open to listening to others, we may not have the problems that we have today. We may in fact be living in harmony rather than being at war with our families, friends, foes…

 

I guess I sort of cheated here as I realise I have combined some of my thoughts into one point rather than keep them separate, but I believe that is ok as I feel everything I have written needed to be put out there.