Backflip

Less than 24 hours ago, i was in a room surrounded by women my age as well as a generation younger.
We were having a discussion which would have us learn about each other, about the other generation as well as learning about ourselves. It was extremely interesting.

If you’ve been following me for a while- you probably would’ve come to know that i have issues believing in myself, my mental health hasn’t been the best most of the time…..

Last night i had a new lease of life. I believed a small part of me could be successful like other women in the group from within my age group, i had a feeling that i WAS capable of almost anything i set my mind to.

This afternoon however, i came crashing back down to Earth. My 15yr old had to get her hair cut. The last time she had it cut would have been almost 3 years ago i guess. She got the grumps at the hairdressers so i told her we could just go home and not worry about getting it cut but she said it had to be cut as we were there anyway.
So, she had the slightest trim off the bottom to just level it off. It was something i could have easily done at home. I wasn’t angry that she made me feel like a worthless piece of shit at the Hair Salon, i was disappointed that she didn’t see anything wrong with putting me down in such a way in public. I shouldn’t have been surprised though as she has done it many times before and i am sure she will probably do it again in the future- it’s just who she is i guess.

When we got home, she started complaining about me making her get her hair cut. I was back at home so just went into the bedroom and started crying. I felt so bad, so worthless. I felt i was such a failure. Hours later, i still feel just as bad about myself. So much so, that i feel i should be punished in some way. I don’t know how but i feel like i should be treated like shit as i am not worthy of anything better.

I hate feeling like this but for so many years it has been my normal. Once in a blue moon (like last night), I am shown a glimmer of hope, a flicker of how my life could be if i wasn’t always so down and miserable.

I wish i could just snap out of it and cheer up. But i can’t.

This is what depression and anxiety looks like.

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Such a Hindrance

I have felt like such a hindrance for quite some time now.

I have surgery tomorrow, but can’t help but feel i am such a huge hindrance to society. I will be getting an ovarian cyst removed which should be straight-forward surgery but i can’t help but think that internally, the surgeons will find something worse. Cancer? I don’t know.
But i have this gut feeling that all the pain i have been in for the past several months isn’t a good sign. I think it’s more than just the “simple cyst”.

I mean, i have been in pain for years and years… decades even. The locations of the pain vary from day to day, week to week. To me it is “normal”. I do not know life without pain. I do not know what true silence is; i have Tinnitus so late at night is when the sounds within my head are at their loudest. To me, trying to get to sleep when all is “quiet”, to me is actually deafening and next to impossible at times. I am kept awake for hours after everyone is already fast asleep due to the noises within.

My hearing is worsening too which is scaring me. There has been a gradual worsening of my hearing impairment over the past 5 years, but it seems to have got a lot worse over the past few months. It almost happened suddenly. I now have to lip read a lot or get people to speak up so i can hear them.

Surely the world would be better off without me? I mean, i can’t hear people talking as well as the majority of the population, i am constantly in pain, my health isn’t the best.
If i was an animal, a human in charge of me would be legally allowed to have me euthanized but because i am a human, it is illegal to do just that.

I just want to have a meaning, i want to mean something to people- especially those who supposedly love me.
I want to feel needed by someone…

I want to feel loved…

I don’t want to be a hindrance anymore.

Merry WHAT!?

This time of year is supposed to bring out the best in all of us. It is supposed to be a time of parties, celebrations, gift giving, charity, caring and to many people- Jesus and/or Santa.

To me however, this time of year is one that i dread. It is a time of year that reminds me of those who i have lost, it is a time of year which reminds me of the family members who have upset not only me, but others at gatherings among family and friends. It is a time of year that makes me feel threatened, scared, wary, a time of year that leaves me doubting myself, a time that makes me question my own worth as not only a friend, but also as a mother, a wife and often has me questioning my own existence.

I may not be homeless or going hungry from being unable to buy food to eat- but i do feel alone.
It is almost like the more people i have around… the more lonely i feel.

In an ideal world, i would love to celebrate this time of year with my family, but i want to do it within my means and i would love to start a new family tradition… not follow on with the traditions of other family members.
Something simple like a picnic at a beach or park, or even go camping for a few days if the weather is nice enough. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money… i would ideally just like to spend some time with my hubby and our children.

Just our little family.

Surely that is not too much of an ask? Is it?

Low, lower, lowest

That’s pretty much how my self esteem has gone today.

I feel like no matter what or how much i do or don’t do, it will never be good enough for those around me.

There is always at least one person who has something negative to say, and usually one or two more to confirm their negativity, making the comment maker feel good about being rude towards others.

It really gets to me. It takes me back to the many years of bullying i had to put up with throughout my childhood, teens and into my early adult years.
Those words never leave you, and each time you hear them again- they usually end up with the victim having flashbacks of their troubled past.

I just wish it would stop.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

The Bucket List

I am sure just about everyone has heard of the term “Bucket List”- that list you write sometime in your life that you hope to tick all the items off before you die…

Over the years and during various stages of my life, i have half-heartedly written bucket lists. Most of the things i have written have been far fetched or beyond my wildest dreams.

Over the past few days though i have been seriously thinking about what i want to do before i die.
I don’t know if these cysts are cancerous or not.
Either way though- i think it is time i should make some type of realistic list of things i want to do… alone… with my friends… my children… my husband… my family.

I was talking to my hubby today about what i might include in the list. Some things will be easy to get done, other things however will need more time and money to help them become a reality; a few things i’m not sure are even possible- they seem too far fetched.

I just don’t want my life to end not having lived it as fully as i hoped it could have turned out.

Daily Prompt: Taper

I hoped and prayed that the vicious nature of her once beautiful soul would taper off and reveal the person she once was.

I hold a glimmer of hope that there is still a flickering light of love somewhere in the depths of her soul.
A glimmer of hope that she will one day realise that her current ways are detrimental to not only her own health and well being but to others too.

It scares me to think what she could possibly do if she was to ever go through with her threats. That is what scares me the most.

My once courageous feelings of knowing that i WAS capable of almost anything have, over the years, tapered right off as her behaviour worsened.
I know parenting is a never-ending series of lessons about life, but this is getting a bit much at times.

I hope that one day, all this negative energy and outrage will taper off so much so that is is a far off memory that we can all put behind us.

 

via Daily Prompt: Taper

What a day!

It’s been a day i’d rather forget. A day i would rather just wipe out of my life. Just fall asleep and start fresh tomorrow… or relive today in a totally different way.

My eldest child (a moody teen) let all her frustrations out on me today… only verbally, but i think those words she hurled at me caused more pain than if she had’ve done anything else instead.

She got me to the point where i was having suicidal thoughts. The words hurt that bad.
It was like my own teenage years had returned, the days of when i was constantly being bullied, taunted, tormented, teased, put down…..
Except this time, my biggest bully was my own daughter.
My own flesh and blood.

I wish i knew what i had done wrong to cause her to lash out like she did… it’s not the first time though, she often treats me like this. She says i don’t deserve any respect from her. I know i DO deserve respect, but a small part of me believes her as i know i haven’t been the best Mum, especially in the first couple of years of her life. I could have done more back then, but i was young, naive, and still learning how to be a parent myself.

I have spent a lot of the day not really able to complete anything that i wanted to. Nor have i really been able to continue on with the things i wanted to get done. I have simply hidden in the bedroom all day. It’s usually where i feel safe, but not today. Even when my younger three came in to spend time with me, i still didn’t feel safe.
My eldest came to the bedroom a few times (she was cleaning her bedroom today which was a miracle in itself so i didn’t want to say anything bad to her) just to curse at me, just to tell me what a horrid person i was, to tell me how worthless i was.

For someone who has such a low self esteem, it doesn’t take much for me to withdraw and feel so much less wanted than the most worthless thing you could ever imagine.

I have started doing crafts to try and find some enjoyment in life again, i am enjoying it when i put my mind to it and it seems others like what i do too as i have orders to make items for other people and they want to pay me for it. That has to be a HUGE compliment when someone likes what you do enough to want to pay you to make things for them too.

But then, like today, shit hits the fan and it feels like my whole world is collapsing around me, it feels like i am being sucked into a deep dark chasm, unable to get out, unable to breathe, unable to fight back. When life just gets too complicated, too hard.

It would just be easier to simply give up. Let the bullies win. I am sure that would then allow everything to return to some type of normality- if i wasn’t around to cause all this trouble and commotion.

I am incredibly sad… yet i have no tears left to cry. I’m all cried out, but oh so empty within.

I need to find myself. I need to find… to realise that i do still belong. That i belong somewhere. That i do have a place on this earth, that i am still wanted and needed.

I just don’t know how to find that out.

Nobody can hear my cries for help.

Twists and Turns

This evening i received a phone call from my Mum.

She was quite flustered, she asked me where her paperwork for her pre-paid funeral was.
I honestly do not have a clue as she went to do that with her Mum and brother some time last year.
All i could suggest was that she look in my late grandparent’s bedroom in the chest of drawers or cupboard as that is where i was told most of the important paperwork was kept. The only other things i can think of would be that she put it in a safe place in her bedroom or that her brother picked up her paperwork when he gathered his Mum’s paperwork to organise the funeral last year.

There was also a bit of general small talk between us, but on a number of occasions she kept saying how she has changed so much over the past 9 months and that i don’t know the real her and probably will never know the real her now.
Somehow, we ended up speaking for about 20minutes. If i had’ve known the phone call would have left me feeling so deflated and my anxiety levels rising at an ever increasing rate, i would have said i was unable to help and made the call as brief as possible, but i guess there was that little girl inside of me who was hoping to have a nice civil chat with her Mum which is why i stayed on the phone, mostly listening to everything she had to say to me (and in many cases, about me).

I am trying to get over the threats and other negative comments and gossip that her side of the family have been spreading about me over the past 10 months or so. I am trying to get on with my life, but it feels like when i am just about on top of everything and moving forwards with my life, something happens and she appears again and relays information or gossip that i really didn’t need to hear.
It is such a kick in the guts. It makes me feel so bad about myself again.

Just when things start looking bright for me, someone looms over like a dark threatening stormcloud; looking to ruin what would have been an otherwise beautiful day.

I just want to get on with my life. A couple of cruel individuals thought it would be a great joke to spread lies about me, to threaten me and my family, to make me feel unsafe when out in public and to turn all those who i had loved and called my family for all my life against me.
I can’t fathom why they would continue to do such a thing. They have taken so much from me, yet it feels like they seem to think it still isn’t enough.

When will the torment stop?
I can only hope i will continue to fight off the voices in my head and wake up every morning and try my hardest to find someone or something to live for.

Change can be scary

The past couple of weeks have been crazy and somewhat scary.

Things haven’t changed too much in what i have been used to doing, but the reasons i am doing what i am have changed.

2 weeks ago i began a paid Casual job. This is the first paid job i have had since 2002.
It isn’t too different to what i have been doing as a volunteer for the past two years, there are a few extra tasks involved, but nothing too scary.
Now i get to handle money more, take EFTPOS payments, be more involved in allergy alert and Gluten Free food orders.

I guess the scary thing is more those tasks which have to be learnt and remembered and then be able to be done automatically without much thought going into them. Things such as delivering staff lunches to the correct staff rooms.
There are close to 10 staff rooms and knowing which lunches have to be delivered to each room is daunting to someone who isn’t aware of the workplace layout/staffroom locations. It got so bad today when i was asked to deliver the lunches on my own that i actually had an anxiety attack. I felt so ashamed. I felt inadequate. I wished the world would just open up and make me disappear. But it didn’t. What did happen? I let it get to me and let it upset me. I tried not to, but i cried. I couldn’t keep the tears away. This made me feel even worse.
Thankfully my boss is understanding and pulled me aside for a quiet chat. I told her of my worries and she said i should not have been told to take the lunches on my own this early in, how i should have had at least a week or two experience, shadowing another staff member and getting used to what i should deliver and where.

On top of that, it didn’t help that i had so much more going on in my mind.
Stress, money issues, random negative thoughts… It all snowballed and made things seem so much worse than what they were.

I have also been sick for the past month or so. It turns out i have tonsillitis. Thankfully i was recently able to see my regular doctor who gave me stronger medicine and did some tests which i am hoping will let us know what exactly is wrong with me and if it is something bad, or if my body is just run down and weak at the moment and not able to fight off simple viruses and infections.

I just feel like going for a day trip… getting back to nature. My body and soul is craving that. Going somewhere to just watch the water, watch the wind blow the leaves about in a forest, to water water ripple and ants marching in a line.
I just need time to recharge again.

I feel that my batteries are depleted. They are completely flat and no matter what i do, it just isn’t enough to give it my all each day. I am not running at the best of my ability. I am struggling.

There you go, i said it. I’m struggling. I am finding it hard to cope. Hard to cope with work. Hard to cope with life. Hard to cope with the thoughts racing through my mind- most of those thoughts which are by no means helpful to me or those who i influence.

If you are reading this and realise you or someone you know is in a similar position. Please, please stop and take some time for yourself. Take time to regenerate your soul. If you are unable to to work to the best of your ability, to be the best you know you can be, it WILL come through in your work, in your art, it will show through in your actions, your words and those who know you, will wonder what is wrong.
Do not be too proud to admit you need time out, to admit you need time to recharge.

You are worth it.

How knowledge changes things.

Last night i decided to do a little bit of random googling…
I ended up googling my grandmother’s name and found out that her assets have been sorted out and divided up and given out to those stated in her will.

All my life both my grandparents said they would look after me every way they could.
When i became an adult, my Nan told me i would be fine once she was no longer with us. She said i wouldn’t have to worry too much.
Last night i found out the will had been changed the day after her 80th birthday.
Now some of the things she was telling me when i was caring for her is starting to make sense. I am thinking she may have been forced to change her will. There are 2 family members who would not have been happy with the original will she had written and they would have pressured her into changing it. They were always like that and they still are.
The two of them always backed each other up, but it was only one of them who seemed to do all the deciding and choosing what would happen and when.¬†She warned me about a particular family member… to be careful of that person once she was gone.
I think this is what she was meaning.

I hope those who were in her will can live their lives with a bit less financial hardship. I know there are a couple of people who will be much better off now, as long as they look after the money and spend it wisely.
There is one in particular who doesn’t need any of it but i am sure they will waste it on holidays and other material possessions. Hopefully they will divide it up among their children or grandchildren? Maybe help them out by putting it towards education or a family home?

I’m not bitter. Slightly upset that she let someone else tell her how to live her life and what to do, but not bitter.

It’s not worth it. Those people aren’t worth it.